The Lawyer

Another Helping Of Amateurish Doggerel

The Lawyer
by Edgar Allan Poe & El Capitan
First Published in 1845
Revised 2006

Once upon a workday dreary, while I labored, weak and weary,
Over many a useless Excel spreadsheet of arcane lore,
While I keyed data, fingers cramping, suddenly there came a stamping,
As of someone loudly rapping, rapping at my office door.
" 'Tis some admin," I muttered, "tapping at my office door;
Only this, and nothing more."


Ah, distinctly I remember, it was in muggy September,
And untidy piles of photocopies lay strewn upon the floor.
Eagerly I longed for liquor; to make the horror fade much quicker,
Of endless busywork and fruitless pleas from the countless poor,
And the growing certainty that my career lay dying, I'd quit trying;
And would languish here forevermore.


And the constant noxious interruptions of many unknown peons
Sickened me---filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the rumbling of my gut, I stood repeating,
" 'Tis some admin entreating entrance at my office door,
Some surly flunky bearing giant piles of unfinished projects galore,
This it is, and nothing more."


Presently my resolve grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
"Sir," said I, "or madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But, Dammit, I was working, and for once I wasn't shirking,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my office door,
That I was not quite sure I heard you." Here I flung wide the door;---
Darkness there, and nothing more.


Back into the office turning, acid reflux within me burning,
Soon again I heard a pounding, so much louder than before,
"Surely," said I, "surely, that is the window cleaners.
Let me see, then, who these jerks are, and this mystery explore.
Let my gut be still a moment, and this mystery explore.
" 'Tis the window cleaners, and nothing more."


Quickly then I pulled the blinds, but forgot to check back behinds,
'Cause in slunk a craven lawyer, right through my office door!.
Not the least obeisance made she; not a minute stopped or stayed she;
But with mien of Stygian vulture, perched above my file drawer.
Perched upon the lateral file, just inside my office door,
Perched, and sat, and nothing more.


Then this foul attorney began to speak, I knew it was no good news
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance she wore,
"Though you have this month mapped out," She said, "pitch those plans now,
Your ass belongs to me for the duration of this court case, and how!"
"Dammit!" replied I, "There's work to be done! How long will this take?"
Quoth the Lawyer, "Forevermore."


I swore and set my teeth a-gritting, my mind quickly flitting,
Trying to see how to my personage the legal relevancy bore;
And cannot help wondering that this attorney was a-blundering,
And never should have darkened my humble office door,
So I asked how the subpoenas had been issued in this case.
Quoth the Lawyer, "By the score!"


Startled at the candor as t'were spoken, my spirit quickly broken
"Doubtless," said I, "I've much sorrow and grief in store;
Sitting idle in marble hallways, for hours over unknown days,
Able to do nothing until finally called inside courtroom door,
Till the backbone of my patience broke 'neath endless waiting,
Quoth the Lawyer, "Wait some more."


Then, methought, I'd be a hostile witness, by my scorn I'd
make the judge doubt my fitness, and be sent away from the 17th floor!
"Vulture," I cried, "I told you to get that subpoena quashed! And yet,
You do nothing but make me sit here, naught but my navel to explore!
I want to go back to the office and dodge the slavering press corps!"
Quoth the Lawyer, "Wait some more."


"Harpy!" said I, "thing of evil!-- the Bar shat thee upon our shore!
Whether Satan sent, or whether you masquerade as filthy whore!"
I'm desolate, yet still undaunted, on this courtroom enchanted--
Release me from my bondage and set me free, I implore!
For to escape I'll dial 911 and have them send the Marine Corps!"
Quoth the Lawyer, "Wait some more."


So El Capitan, teeth a-gritting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the lonely bench just outside the courtroom door;
And his eyes have all the sorrow of a wretch with no tomorrow,
And the flourescent light o'er him throws his shadow on the floor;
And his soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted---nevermore!