Baboon Pirates

Scribbles and Scrawls from an unrepentant swashbuckling primate.

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Location: Texas, United States

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

2009 Cockpunch Awards

Some Blogposts Just Write Themselves...

If you glance around the Blogosphere, you'll frequently see an awards page offered up by a blogger aimed at recognizing the bottomfeeders of society. You know, the "Dimwit Of The Day" type of award.

I'd like to start a set of awards for the myriad of offenders out there, but merely chastising or exposing to public ridicule won't cut the mustard.

Nope, I want physical violence. Actual pain inflicted on the hammerheads in return for inflicting upon the world their cretinous thoughts or actions. One mighty blow straight to the yambag, unimpeded by shield or cup.

So, I propose the Baboon Pirates Cockpunch Awards. Do something ridiculous, get a fist to the crotch. Repeat if necessary.

For an example of a world-class cockpunch, watch this two-minute film. This treatment is what should await our offenders.

So... without further ado, here's the first batch of recipients of the Baboon Pirates Cockpunch Award!

1) Whoever spit out their chewing gum on the sidewalk.
You nasty, nasty motherfucker. Do you have any idea how long it takes to dig out Bubblicious from the sole of a boat shoe? Keep the gotdam wrapper in your pocket, and find a trashcan, you douchebag!!

2) People who use the contents of their paper shredder for packing material.
Thanks, dickhead, I'll be picking tiny pieces of your credit card statement out of my carpet for the next year 'cause you're too effin' cheap to buy some foam peanuts. Get off of eBay, you douchebag!

3) Dog Shit Darlene
Look, I don't advocate violence towards women, and they lack cocks to punch, but this douchebint let her dog take a squat right in the middle of the Memorial Park jogging trail, and after it had grunted out a huge steamer, she just left the turdpile there for people to step in. Lady, we have laws about that kind of thing. You either get a crotch-punch, or else we fill up your jogging shoes with warm dog turds, and you run the entire park trail in them for a week.

4) The Jonas Brothers
Hey, there's this really cool stuff called heroin. Y'all need to look into it. Do a whole bunch right off the bat. Don't dick around with skinpopping or chasing the dragon. Go full monty right from the get-go & mainline that warm gun. It'll improve your songwriting skills 1000%. Honest!

5) Senator Chris Dodd
Y'know, at first it looked like you had just a thin veneer of corruption. As time goes on and your web of chicanery is revealed, however, it looks like your filthy douchebaggery goes clear to the bone. If you had any sense of honor or decency, you'd resign your seat, go home and put your head in the oven. Instead, a cockpunch for you. And Charlie Rangel...