Baboon Pirates

Scribbles and Scrawls from an unrepentant swashbuckling primate.

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Location: Texas, United States

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Beat It, Dragworm!!

I Gave At The Office...

After 6 years of teaching various types of "How Not To Get Fired" classes to other minions of The Man, I've got my spiel down pretty well. Could probably do it blindfolded and wrecked on cheap tequila.

Another "benefit" of working downtown is that I get to hear the pre-recorded spiels of the various bums and derelicts that populate the area.

I've heard some doozies over the years... From the bedraggled wino in Times Square who screamed "GIVE ME A DOLLAR, MOTHERFUCKER!!" to Psycho Mary over on Main Street who asks for spare change in a small, sweet voice, then proceeds to pound on car windows while screaming like a banshee about "FBI Spy Assholes!!"

The latest variation on the theme is for the bum to walk up and ask if you can help them out. Apparently years of rejections has forced them to modify their script.

The twist is, they've added the guilt-wringer at the end. When they get the usual reply of "Sorry, I don't have any cash", they put on a hurt face and say something along the lines of "I wasn't even going to ask you for money, man...", then launch into some long sad spiel that invariably leads to them... guess what? Asking for money!!

Lest you think I'm some kind of heartless asshole, I give a shitload of $$ each year to the local homeless shelter, and throw some bucks at the food pantries as well. I guarantee, if you walk up with a couple of hungry kids and beg a meal, I'll feed them at the nearest eatery, no questions asked. Hell, I'll even buy your dog a bag of kibble.

What I will *NOT* do is give you any cash. Period. Take a F'in hike.

I got so annoyed at this bum in downtown Austin on Tuesday... (The perpetual flock of bums that hang out on Guadalupe Street preying on the UT students and tourists are known as "Dragworms")

Anyway, he saunters up and starts in on the sob story, and I (somewhat rudely, but WTF) gave a short version of "Talk to the hand" and kept on going. This prompted a long drawn-out whine, followed by the inevitable "I wasn't even going to ask you for money, man..."

Oh, really? What then?

"I just wanted to ask you what time it was!"

I looked down at both watchless wrists, and shook my head, still walking the other way.

Just not your day, Sparky...

(Note: Every 30 feet of sidewalk in downtown Austin has a digital parking meter, complete with a visible clock! He needed a better guilt-wringer tagline.)