Baboon Pirates

Scribbles and Scrawls from an unrepentant swashbuckling primate.

My Photo
Location: Texas, United States

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Ewww. This Is Just Some Funky Sheeeite.

Unguents & Lotions & Cremes, Oh MY!!"

OK, I'm a rough & tumble he-man kind of guy, so my knowledge of cosmetics and emollients is a bit on the low side. I buy shampoo that's not too smelly, and soap that washes away clean, and the periodic replenishing of toothpaste & deodorant supplies. Beyond that, I'm at a loss as to what the rest of all that crap in the personal care aisles are for.

I'm getting tired of the white-knuckled syndrome, though. No, I'm not referring to my grasp of the "OH JESUS!" handle in the car when riding with my slightly age-addled Mom, but this odd situation where my hands seem to be drying out.

It's weird that I get this condition in Houston, where the humidity stays about 98% for 11 months out of the year, and the remaining month in monsoon season it's at 105%. In spite of all the moisture, though, by the time I get to work, my hands are all dried out, and even the crusty & flaky bums at the bus stop say "DAY-umm! That's one ashy-skinned white boy!"

I figure some lotion ought to do the trick. Naturally, instead of getting a huge 15 gallon bottle with the heated dispenser and super-squirty nozzle, I start off in a modest fashion, just grabbing a small bottle of random stuff out of the 99 cent trial-size bin at the grocery store. Fruit Of The Earth. Never heard of it. Dunno what's in it. The label says Aloe Vera. That stuff ought be good, right?

This is the nastiest shit I've ever spread on myself, and that says a lot, given my sordid past. I'd sooner stick my hands in a bucket of warmed-over cosmolene. Not only does it retain the oiliness on your skin for about half an hour (and this is for a gumdrop-sized squirt, not half the bottle), it's a bright white color that refuses to fade into your skin. Hmmmm. Better look at what's in this crap.

Aloe Extract - OK, that's slimy, but acceptable.
Water - Probably pulled from Love Canal.
Mineral Oil - basically liquid vaseline
Cetyl Alcohol - Had to look this one up. Solid alcohol? Weird.
Glycerin - Rendered fats
Stearic Acid - aka Beef Fat
Cucumber extract - ???? Hope they squeezed them well.
Wheat Germ oil
Sunflower seed oil
Sesame oil
Other scary-sounding chemical things

Well, no feckin' wonder this crap's greasier than a bunghole on a chili contest judge! You'd think they could cut back on 5 of those oils, and still manage to keep your hads from drying out.

Hmmmph. Back to the store. I have a sneaking suspicion I could pour a few drops of my favorite cologne in a bucket of lard, stir it up, and have a better lotion than these frou-frou merchants. Sure, I'd have a pack of dogs following me around all day licking their chops, but I could use the company.