Baboon Pirates

Scribbles and Scrawls from an unrepentant swashbuckling primate.

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Location: Texas, United States

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Infiltrating The Hippie Stronghold

Alas, The Necktie Gave Me Away...

I made one of my semi-regular expeditions to Whole Foods Market yesterday afternoon. I had run out of my favorite soap, and the only place to get it is at the Land Of Tofu & Granola.

I liked the Whole Foods Market I used to shop at up in Dallas. It was tucked away in a spendy area of town, so you got lots of limousine liberals that shopped there, but rarely any of the unwashed & tie-dyed. Say what you will about limousine liberals, for the most part they're polite and respectful, and not looking to seek a confrontation with The Man, even when you go in with your NRA hat on.

Houston's Whole Foods Markets are a different proposition, though. Even though the one I went to was near the ritzy Tanglewood subdivision, it's near enough the Metro bus lines that unshaven legs and dreadlocks are a common sight. So, when I approached the front entrance, and encounter an old woman in her late 70's ranting to all arriving patrons about "the store is letting in filthy people!", I just assumed she'd encountered a member of the unwashed patchouli patrol.

On entering the store, though, the first thing I saw was a black man with a pissed-off look on his face. Obviously he'd just had a run-in with the old biddy Karen Klanswoman outside. I'm amazed there's still people like that left alive. Not so much people that hate other people, as I think racism is hard to completely erase. It's just very odd to see people that still announce to the world that they hate black people. I guess she slipped her leash and escaped the George Wallace Memorial Home for Aged Racists.

Once inside, I had to sort through all the shelves of useless crap to find what I needed. I'm always amused by the insane prices people pay for chunks of quartz and bottles of smell-pretty oil. Even more amusing are the racks and racks of homeopathic "remedies", which is the best scam to separate the gullible from their cash since the invention of three card monte. I keep thinking about opening a mail order business selling cut-rate 'natural remedies' consisting mostly of lawn trimmings and ditch water. I'd throw in with every order a free "Native American spiritual focusing amulet" made from pebbles, twigs and feathers off of dead birds I find, and make a mint off of these poltroons.

Sigh... overly cynical, I am that. Je ne regrette rien.

I got my soap, took a pass on the Marcona almonds that I like so much (and have increased to $18.99 a pound!) and got the hell out of there before I succumbed to the lure of a turkey leg carved out of tofu. No, I didn't plan on eating it, I just had a morbid fascination to see if it would bounce if I dropped it.

Next time, I'll need to let my beard grow and wear a Phish shirt to blend in a bit more.