Baboon Pirates

Scribbles and Scrawls from an unrepentant swashbuckling primate.

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Location: Texas, United States

Friday, January 06, 2006

No More Catgirls!

I Won't Even Mention The Litterbox Thing...

I'm told I need to explain the catgirl comment from an earlier post. OK, it seems I do requests!

First, we need to define catgirls. Just being female and wearing pointy ears & a tail doesn't necessarily make you a catgirl. The Wikipedia definition I offered in my earlier post comes close but doesn't quite capture the pure essence of the typical catgirl.

First, you need to understand the concept of 'Kawaii'. It's a Japanese term that means "cute", more or less. It's the essence behind the Hello Kitty and Pokémon fads. Big-eyed critters (or cartoon people) with no aura of threat or danger about them. Rated 'G'. Safe for all ages. Boring as hell, IMHO.

Certain females (and some confused males) find this concept of kawaii incredibly appealing, and as they get older, graduate to other carriers of kawaii, which tend to lead them down the path to Japanese cartoons and comics, aka Anime.

For some, this leads to a fascination for all things Japanese, and your typical introduction to catgirls is at a comic/anime convention where they run around shrieking in high-pitched voices dressed in ears and tails as they wait for the next showing of 'Ranma 1/2' in the video room. I worked for a brief period of time in the employ of a large chain of comic book stores, and got to experience catgirls in all their varieties.

Now, as some catgirls mature into their late teens and early 20's, they can morph into sexkittens. These are highly prized by the catgirl connoisseur. They purr when you pet them, and use their tongues for mutual grooming in the most amazing manner, usually in return for non-dubbed import anime DVDs. Occasionally you have to claw through a pack of fanboys and anime geeks to meet one, but a regimen of daily hygiene and a steady paycheck easily puts you at an advantage.

Sadly, a larger percentage of catgirls morph into "scaredycats". They're so immersed in their kawaii world that real life is an unwelcome distraction, and only maintain jobs to keep themselves supplied with Pocky sticks and soba noodles. Trying to date a scaredycat is somewhat akin to dating a nun. You might actually convince one to go out with you to dinner and a movie, but you really need to be planning to crank off a round into your favorite tubesock (I call mine "Teri"!) at the end of the evening, 'cause their plumbing's been spackled shut long ago.

This inherent chastity is embedded in quite a bit of anime. Watch some for a while, and you'll see that the typical hero (a non-threatening rebellious type with a huge shock of hair) will endure great misfortunes, including assault by herds of raccoons with gigantimous testicles, and anal probes by tentacled beasts, all in return for a quick peck on the cheek by the heroine. This invariably causes the hero to stammer, whirl around and fall into a dead faint, proving (to me, anyway) what a huge wuss he really is.

So, I told you that story to tell you this much shorter one... My swearing off of catgirls was the result of an attempted fling with a catgirl of the Schrödinger variety. This is the type that could be either sexkitten or scaredycat, but determining which archetype occupied that physical body at any particular moment required a good working knowledge of quantum mechanics, and a lucky roll of the dice as well. I won't go into the morbid details, but let's just say that it wasn't worth my time and effort. I learned to a) never chase cattails where you work, and b) dating someone 10 years younger than you is just asking for trouble. Plus, she liked 'Xena, Warrior Princess' as well, which in my opinion indicates a person perfectly suited for being the subject of horrible medical experimentation.

So, if you're a female type of person that just happens to dig wearing pointy ears and a tail, but are relatively normal in most other respects, drop by for some tender vittles and I'll show off my catnip stash. Otherwise, take your Sailor Moon and Catgirl Lum videos and go climb a tall tree!