More Bad Movie Than Meets The Eye
Or, How High Can You Pile Up Cinematic Crap?
Man, that Transformers movie blew...
A couple of people from the office recommended the Transformers movie to me. I must go harangue them after I post this.
No way was I gonna go shell out $8.50 plus bucket o' popcorn and drink to see it, so I waited for the DVD release.
Man, talk about your major suck-fests. There were at least 10 times I could recall reaching for the Kill switch on the DVD player, only to hold back to see just how bad it could get.
It got that bad...
There comes a time when all the whiz-bang CGI special effects in the world just can't put a high-tech shine on a turd. There also comes a time when a man realizes that the last few bits of leftover 14-year-old boy have been permanently eradicated from his psyche.
This mass of turdaceous suckularity was custom-made for 14-year-old boys and those 80's maturity-holdouts who still play with their Hasbro toy robot-cars. There's really nothing to recommend to any other age group.
Let me list the biggest lumps of Suckular turdaceousness:
1) It's not the over-the-top Suck of the usual summer fare. This is insidious, sneaky Suck. You think there might be something redeeming, be it the character development, the big battle scenes, or at least a good titty flash. Nope, none of that. Just a slow swallowing by the SuckMonster.
2) The Doofus Dad - One of my personal pet peeves. Be it commercials, sitcoms, or blockbuster summer movies, Hollywood never fails to make the Dad a complete nebbish. This has probably done more to undermine the family unit and disrupt society than anything else they've done.
3) Orange people - Why were both the male and female leads a vibrant orange color? Look, ya maroons, it's called a tanning bed. Look into it. Those tanning pills just make you look like an animated carrot.
4) The horrible, horrible casting. Where else will you find Jon Voight, John Turturro, Anthony Anderson, and this weasel-faced Shia LeBoeuf character in one flick?
5) Dialogue fit for a 4 year old.
6) The fact that they're already producing a sequel...
Skip this one, friends & neighbors. It's just plain BAD...
Man, that Transformers movie blew...
A couple of people from the office recommended the Transformers movie to me. I must go harangue them after I post this.
No way was I gonna go shell out $8.50 plus bucket o' popcorn and drink to see it, so I waited for the DVD release.
Man, talk about your major suck-fests. There were at least 10 times I could recall reaching for the Kill switch on the DVD player, only to hold back to see just how bad it could get.
It got that bad...
There comes a time when all the whiz-bang CGI special effects in the world just can't put a high-tech shine on a turd. There also comes a time when a man realizes that the last few bits of leftover 14-year-old boy have been permanently eradicated from his psyche.
This mass of turdaceous suckularity was custom-made for 14-year-old boys and those 80's maturity-holdouts who still play with their Hasbro toy robot-cars. There's really nothing to recommend to any other age group.
Let me list the biggest lumps of Suckular turdaceousness:
1) It's not the over-the-top Suck of the usual summer fare. This is insidious, sneaky Suck. You think there might be something redeeming, be it the character development, the big battle scenes, or at least a good titty flash. Nope, none of that. Just a slow swallowing by the SuckMonster.
2) The Doofus Dad - One of my personal pet peeves. Be it commercials, sitcoms, or blockbuster summer movies, Hollywood never fails to make the Dad a complete nebbish. This has probably done more to undermine the family unit and disrupt society than anything else they've done.
3) Orange people - Why were both the male and female leads a vibrant orange color? Look, ya maroons, it's called a tanning bed. Look into it. Those tanning pills just make you look like an animated carrot.
4) The horrible, horrible casting. Where else will you find Jon Voight, John Turturro, Anthony Anderson, and this weasel-faced Shia LeBoeuf character in one flick?
5) Dialogue fit for a 4 year old.
6) The fact that they're already producing a sequel...
Skip this one, friends & neighbors. It's just plain BAD...
posted by El Capitan | 3:40 PM
<< Home