Baboon Pirates

Scribbles and Scrawls from an unrepentant swashbuckling primate.

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Location: Texas, United States

Friday, May 14, 2010

Butter, Olive Oil, Cream, & Cheese

Feed Me These For The Rest Of My Life!

One of the most insidious forms of propaganda known to mankind is the restaurant or pizza chain television commercial. It's the siren song of the airwaves. They never show you the surly delivery guy, the cold food, the late night heartburn...

No, in Commercial Land, they're selling the sizzle, not the steak. It's the gooey strands of melting mozzarella dripping from a steaming slice of deep dish pizza. It's the perfect scoop of ice cream being drizzled with a thick stream of hot fudge.

Of course, for those who know how they film the ads, it's really just motor oil ladled on top of a scoop of Crisco, but it looks gotdam tasty, doesn't it! It's even worse when you've sworn off sugar/fat/flavor laden foods.

So, I see this commercial for Olive Garden the other evening. While I'll admit that 90% of Olive Garden's fare is boil-in-bag or microwaved crap, they do sneak in a tasty treat every so often.

This commercial was spotlighting their latest special, something called a Crespelle. It's chicken or sausage crepes, stuffed with a bunch of cheese and doused in a garlic cream or tomato alfredo sauce. I could almost swear when the commercial aired, I heard a heavenly host of angels lauding the flavor of these Crespelles...

I could eat Just One, couldn't I??? I had to go to their website to find out.

Sigh. I'd be better off with a Mickey D's Double Quarter Pounder and a pile of fries. That single plate will set you back around 1300 calories, and that doesn't even include the salad or a single breadstick.

Oh, those delicious breadsticks? 150 calories apiece. One serving of the salad? 350 calories.

In fact, just looking over their menu, you might be better off just injecting rendered lard straight into your veins. Check these out...

Tour of Italy pasta sampler - 1450 calories
Spaghetti & Italian Sausage - 1270 calories
Fettucini Alfredo - 1220 calories
Chicken & Shrimp Carbonara - 1440 calories
Steak Gorgonzola Alfredo - 1310 calories

I had to assemble the Death By Italian meal. It's the highest-ranked foods on their menu. I've included an appetizer, salad, entree, drink and dessert. If any of you get brave and want to try it, put me in your last will & testament, OK?

Lasagna Fritta w/ Marinara sauce - 1100 calories
Caesar Salad - 800 calories
2 breadsticks - 300 calories
Pork Milanese - 1510 calories
Strawberry/Mango Frozen Margarita - 350 calories
Zeppoli (similar to beignets) - 920 calories

Total: 4980 Calories

Mangia! Mangia!!!