Baboon Pirates

Scribbles and Scrawls from an unrepentant swashbuckling primate.

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Location: Texas, United States

Friday, August 31, 2012

The CDD List

Friday Afternoon Ranting Is Good For The Soul

With 25 years of commuting on the freeways, I've had ample time to study my fellow drivers and their behaviors. I've also been keeping an informal correlation between the worst of the driving, and the type of vehicle being driven.

It's not a scientific study, just an anecdotal observation of what I've seen, but I've come to the following conclusion.

Some cars are almost exclusively driven by DOUCHEBAGS!!!

What consists of vehicular douchebaggery? Oh, the possibilities are endless, but let's start with:

1) Failure to yield
2) Ignoring striped/solid passing lines
3) Zooming to the head of a queue, then cutting in
4) Tailgating
5) Driving 15-20 mph faster than surrounding traffic
6) Changing lanes for no apparent reason, forcing others to brake
7) Cell Phone Usage/Texting while driving
8) Refusal to let other drivers merge/enter traffic
and so on, ad nauseam.

Now, it's possible you may drive one of these car models, and you don't think of yourself as a douchebag. You may not be. But I wouldn't bet on it...

So, for the first time in print, The CDD List.


BMW: Any model and body style. Doesn't matter which one. If it sports the BMW logo, odds are you're a douchebag.

Mercedes SLC: Look, let's face it. You'd be better off in a C class, but you just have to convince the world you're a sporty kinda guy. Truth is, you can't handle an AMG, and you probably can't afford it either. Douchebag.

Chevy Tahoe: The wife wanted a minivan or crossover, but your ego wouldn't allow it. You drive this giant SUV like you're still in your Integra from college. The tinted windows help hide your popped collar, but you're 100% douchebag.

Toyota 4Runner: This one's kind of a mystery, but if there's one car I always see blazing up past the line of cars on the right shoulder, it's a 4Runner. Slow down, douchebag.

Mini Cooper: Quite a few of these are driven by young women who find them cute. I have no beef with them. Men who drive a Mini Cooper, however, are likely to be urban hipsters and therefore by definition a douchebag.

Please recommend other candidates for the CDD List in the comments below!