Signs You Might Be An Asshole
And This Is By No Means A Complete List
Now, matching any one of these items is not a definite diagnosis of Assholery, but tends to be a clear warning sign! Match 4 or more, though, and you're pretty much guaranteed to be a bunghole.
1) You let your dog crap on my lawn and don't clean up after it. Y'know, I've never really been tempted to wedge my butt up against a front door and drop a load through the mail slot, but in your case, I'm considering it.
2) You have a subwoofer in your car that causes seismic disturbances when your stereo is on. Dial it down, Sparky. Nobody gives a shit what kind of music you like, and you're acting like a tool.
3) You talk on your cell phone in a movie theater when the movie is showing. You should be thankful that silenced .22 pistols are very hard to acquire!!
4) You tip less than 15% for acceptable service. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to eat at a place where the food's not served in paper bags.
5) You drive up to the curb at the Park & Ride bus stop while I'm sitting there, get out of your car, open the lid to the garbage can and your car's trunk, then proceed to fill the can to overflowing with dozens of jars and bottles partially filled with a yellowish liquid. Not only are you an asshole, you're just frickin' weird.
6) You enter your toddler in child beauty pageants. This is not for your child's benefit, it's for yours. No two-year-old ever says "Mommy, please dress me like a cheap 'ho and parade me in front of a auditorium full of pedophiles!"
7) You are an attorney. 'Nuff said.
8) You purchase anything offered via an unsolicited Spam email or a pop-up ad. There's a level in hell waiting just for you and your craven ilk.
9) You mow your lawn at 7 a.m. on Saturday. Quit that. Gas-powered weedeater use before noon on a weekend ought to be punishable by death.
10) You have 23 items in your shopping cart at the '12 items or less' express lane. I can see 15 items. Maybe even 17. After all, you probably never learned to count. Not 23, though.
11) You beg on your website for cash, then fail to improve posting frequency or site quality. Try that in meatspace, and we'd be suing you for fraud.
12) You hang out at MoveOn.org or Democratic Underground. Nothing wrong with being a Democrat. Or with being a lunatic. Being both, though, moves you into the Bunghole Brigade.
13) You cannot end a conversation, but keep talking to me even as I've said my goodbyes and am walking out the door. Save some blather for my next visit!
14) You feel the need to run for public office to "fix what's wrong with the world". Mostly, the problems you see are yours alone.
15) As an elected member of some lawmaking body, when you are presented with new technology or products that don't confirm to your worldview, your instinctive reaction is to ban them.
16) You whiz all over the toilet seat, and make no effort to clean it up.
17) You put your clothes in the machines at the laundromat then disappear for 3 hours, tying up all the washers. I'm pretty sure I can sell those frilly knickers to perverts on eBay for quite a bit of cash.
18) You berate your significant other via cell phone almost daily while riding the commuter bus into downtown. If I wanted drama, I'd stay home and watch soap operas.
19) You feel that any conversation within earshot would greatly benefit from your learned opinion. You feel this so strongly, you will offer insults and threatened violence to those opposing your viewpoints.
20) You spend all morning thinking about things that annoy the shit out of you, and post that instead of any really good blog content.
Now, matching any one of these items is not a definite diagnosis of Assholery, but tends to be a clear warning sign! Match 4 or more, though, and you're pretty much guaranteed to be a bunghole.
1) You let your dog crap on my lawn and don't clean up after it. Y'know, I've never really been tempted to wedge my butt up against a front door and drop a load through the mail slot, but in your case, I'm considering it.
2) You have a subwoofer in your car that causes seismic disturbances when your stereo is on. Dial it down, Sparky. Nobody gives a shit what kind of music you like, and you're acting like a tool.
3) You talk on your cell phone in a movie theater when the movie is showing. You should be thankful that silenced .22 pistols are very hard to acquire!!
4) You tip less than 15% for acceptable service. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to eat at a place where the food's not served in paper bags.
5) You drive up to the curb at the Park & Ride bus stop while I'm sitting there, get out of your car, open the lid to the garbage can and your car's trunk, then proceed to fill the can to overflowing with dozens of jars and bottles partially filled with a yellowish liquid. Not only are you an asshole, you're just frickin' weird.
6) You enter your toddler in child beauty pageants. This is not for your child's benefit, it's for yours. No two-year-old ever says "Mommy, please dress me like a cheap 'ho and parade me in front of a auditorium full of pedophiles!"
7) You are an attorney. 'Nuff said.
8) You purchase anything offered via an unsolicited Spam email or a pop-up ad. There's a level in hell waiting just for you and your craven ilk.
9) You mow your lawn at 7 a.m. on Saturday. Quit that. Gas-powered weedeater use before noon on a weekend ought to be punishable by death.
10) You have 23 items in your shopping cart at the '12 items or less' express lane. I can see 15 items. Maybe even 17. After all, you probably never learned to count. Not 23, though.
11) You beg on your website for cash, then fail to improve posting frequency or site quality. Try that in meatspace, and we'd be suing you for fraud.
12) You hang out at MoveOn.org or Democratic Underground. Nothing wrong with being a Democrat. Or with being a lunatic. Being both, though, moves you into the Bunghole Brigade.
13) You cannot end a conversation, but keep talking to me even as I've said my goodbyes and am walking out the door. Save some blather for my next visit!
14) You feel the need to run for public office to "fix what's wrong with the world". Mostly, the problems you see are yours alone.
15) As an elected member of some lawmaking body, when you are presented with new technology or products that don't confirm to your worldview, your instinctive reaction is to ban them.
16) You whiz all over the toilet seat, and make no effort to clean it up.
17) You put your clothes in the machines at the laundromat then disappear for 3 hours, tying up all the washers. I'm pretty sure I can sell those frilly knickers to perverts on eBay for quite a bit of cash.
18) You berate your significant other via cell phone almost daily while riding the commuter bus into downtown. If I wanted drama, I'd stay home and watch soap operas.
19) You feel that any conversation within earshot would greatly benefit from your learned opinion. You feel this so strongly, you will offer insults and threatened violence to those opposing your viewpoints.
20) You spend all morning thinking about things that annoy the shit out of you, and post that instead of any really good blog content.
posted by El Capitan | 2:21 PM
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