Baboon Pirates

Scribbles and Scrawls from an unrepentant swashbuckling primate.

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Location: Texas, United States

Friday, February 03, 2006

I'm So Glad I Avoided Med School...

Fun Stuff From The Student Doctor Network

Found this link at someone's blog... Sorry I can't recall where. You know who you are, so feel free to lambaste me in the comments. Heck, it's not like anyone else has said anything much this week.

Without further ado...

Things I Learned From My Patients

Doc: What meds are you on?
Pt: Peanut butter balls.
Doc: What?
Pt: Peanut butter balls! Peanut butter balls, for my seizures!
Doc: Do you mean phenobarbital?

When you get tired of vaginal or anal sex.. try transverse colon.. there are individuals out there who will pay 1000 bucks a pop to screw a colostomy patient (yes.. the colostomy).. more amazingly is there are prostitutes who sell their colostomy..

Hey, we had that in our ED! A gay dude that ended up with rectal CA, and got a colostomy - then ended up with the clap in his colostomy!

Sitting on the porch minding your own business is the #1 cause of knife wounds.

Despite popular belief...coat hangers are not a cure for constipation

If you diagnose a patient with gonorrhea, be sure to ask if she has any family members she would like to treat as well, because I was at a loss when I was asked the question "Should I treat my dog, too?"

The fact that you put a condom over the electric toothbrush lodged within you does not make it 'safe' anal stimulation.

Latex paint, despite being thick and creamy, does not coat your stomach and provide the same relief as pepto bismol.

If you are going to get into a fight, and have a prosthetic eye, make sure you take it out first.....and, for safe keeping, shove it up your vagina.....the, realize that you cannot get it out and go to the ED for removal.

If it burns when you pee and you have the drip don't get angry at me for being the lucky one to tell you that you have GC. Furthermore, I don't care if "that bitch" swore she was clean. It won't change your current situation. When I suggest condom use in the future don't say (not making this up) "Well maybe that's OK for you but I'm a REAL MAN. I ain't using no thing."

The Law of Inverse Value: the less you contribute to society, the greater the trauma you can sustain with minimal to no physical sequelae

No matter how badly constipated you are, a vodka enema is not a good idea.

When your 15yo daughter gives precipitous delivery to a bleating, underweight infant 30 minutes after presenting to triage c "gas pains", you should run around the department loudly yelling, "I don't know what y'all did or who that baby is, but my lil' girl warn't pregnant when she come in here!"
The horror... the horror...