Baboon Pirates

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Monday, February 06, 2006

Iranians Go Batshit Crazy At Austrian Embassy

A Mostly Parody Piece. Mostly.

Iranians Go Batshit Crazy At Austrian Embassy

TEHRAN (al-Reuters) - A crowd of about 200 Islamofascists pelted the Austrian Embassy in Tehran with kitten whiskers and warm woolen mittens on Monday to protest against the re-release of 'The Sound Of Music' on DVD in Iranian Quik-E-Marts.

The protesters, chanting "Doe, A Deer, An Infidel Deer" and "Edelweiss, Flower Of Satan", smashed all the diplomatic mission's windows with brown paper packages tied up with string and then tried to hurl jam & bread inside. When asked why such unconventional projectiles were being used instead of rocks, grenades and RPGs, the most common answer was that they preferred using some of their favorite things.

Austria currently holds the position of Mother Superior of the European Union. Protesters also waved nun's habits and shouted slogans against the EU's stance on being 16 going on 17 and not being allowed a taste of champagne.

The brown paper packages exploded in flames against metal grilles guarding the windows, but the building did not catch fire and the flames were quickly put out by police with fire extinguishers.

Iran has withdrawn its ambassador to Denmark due to a shipload of Danish hams accidentally being labeled as cans of hummus, and Iranian Commerce Minister Massoud "Uncle Max" Mirkazemi said on Monday that all bookings with EU talent shows have been severed because of the DVD re-release, first offered for sale in September in a Tehran 7-11.

"Iran has reached legal age, Inshallah, and we no longer need a governess!" he was quoted by the Iranian student news agency ISNA as telling a news conference. Reporters from Iranian student news agency ISNA were completely baffled by that last remark.

Mirkazemi said from Tuesday Iran would stop any Sound Of Music DVDs from entering its customs' areas, even if they had to climb every mountain to get them all.

Trade ties were under review with all countries where the Sound Of Music DVDs have been shown at public screenings, he said. Islam prohibits any depiction of the Prophet Julie Andrews, specifically after she insulted Islam by flashing her tits in 'S.O.B.'.

Further demonstrations were planned for later on Monday outside the Danish and Norwegian embassies in Tehran. The demonstration planned for the German embassy in Tehran was cancelled after Mirkazemi was told by an anonymous Navy captain that "You'll never be one of them!"

Danish diplomatic missions in Syria and Lebanon were set ablaze and ransacked over the weekend because of the DVDs.

The demonstration was announced in advance and organized by members of the official Basenji militia, a volunteer force affiliated to the hardline Canine Brigades, but apparently incapable of barking themselves.