I Need One Of These...

When The Worker Is Ready, The Tool Will Appear!

It's amazing that you can go for years without knowing the tool you so desperately need in your job even exists.

I'm going to find one of these, and dub it the Answer Mallet.



When you enter my office and say "Can I ask you a question?", I will pick up the mallet and ask you to approach and place your genitalia on the edge of my desk. (Women, you can substitute expensive footwear, your Blackberry, or just place a hand on the desk.)

If the question is one with merit, one that is not readily available via Google, and one that truly belongs in my area of expertise, I will answer it promptly and courteously.

If, however, the question is one that belongs over on the other side of the building with the File Room Gnomes, I get a one-handed slam. If it's a really stupid question, I get to use two hands.

Fer Pete's sake, people, I've been here almost three years now. If you can't remember what department I work for, you deserve a mallet shot to the 'nads.

Oh, I also claim dibs on the after-hours delivery guys that bang on the door until I get up to answer it, instead of using the service delivery entrance like they're supposed to...