Baboon Pirates

Scribbles and Scrawls from an unrepentant swashbuckling primate.

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Location: Texas, United States

Friday, March 28, 2008

Tag, I'm Still It.

Friday Afternoon Low-Impact Blogging Redux!

1) I used to be able to visit Mom and raid her used paperback collection for several dozen books. She's as voracious a reader as I am, and usually piles up 6-8 paper grocery sacks of books before she'll recycle them at the 3-for-1 used bookstore.

Alas, Mom's taste in reading material has changed. Now, it's mostly sub-par detective or spy fiction, with the remainder consisting of "women's fiction" AKA touchy-feely emo garbage. Hell, there was even an Oprah Book Club selection in there. I nearly puked in horror.

The last time I raided her stash, I went through 5 bags and only found 4 books I was interested in, and of those, two I'm kinda so-so on, and the other two are so bad, I got them specifically to make fun of in a future blogpost.

2) I was given an inflatable party sheep once. It was kidnapped and nearly raped by a co-worker. I say "nearly raped", because apparently there's all sorts of technique and nuance that has to come into play to successfully mate with an inflatable sheep, or so I am told. I'm guessing from the coworker's story that if erectile dysfunction is quite embarrassing with a human female, ED with a PVC sheep is a soul-crushing experience.

There was only one orifice in the sheep, leading us to believe it was a male sheep doing a tuck job. It was named "Laaaaaambert", and eventually expired due to peritonitis caused by a broom handle. (I've blogged about this long ago, do a search for "sheep" and "broomstick" for the whole sordid tale)

3) I've learned that eating 3 day old Kentucky Fried Chicken cole slaw isn't a good idea. It's already starting to ferment by day three, and eating it just starts an internal kimchee factory in your colon. It will, in fact, cause you a day later to shuffle to the can remarkably like how Chaplin's 'Little Tramp' character walked in order to maintain pressure on your sphincter and avoid a blowout. I won't even get into the olfactory joy caused by that episode...

4) Apparently little green tree frogs like to hang on the inside of glass patio doors. When some unsuspecting human opens said door to exit, the little green tree frog gets startled and leaps in a random direction. When that random direction bisects the path of travel of some unsuspecting human, the frog might just land on the unsuspecting human's neck and crawl down his collar. This causes unsuspecting human to freak out, assuming a cockroach or other unspeakable nasty has invaded his garments.

So, some morning when the little green tree frogs are active, park by the house and watch the show. You just might see a big fat man leap 3 feet in the air, tearing off his shirt and undershirt before he hits the ground.

5) It's been almost exactly a month since I've had a drink. 'Twas a double Johnny Walker Black at Pappas Seafood House following a harrowing offsite meeting Feb. 29th. I can still taste it...

I'm not sure why I'm so disenchanted about drinking. Hell, I've got two or three dozen bottles of various liquors scattered throughout the house. I'm sort of tempted to toss all the foo-foo liqueurs and the stuff I'll never drink, and just keep on hand in case someone wants something other than bourbon, scotch, rum or gin. To be honest, my rum phase is passing. I used to consume a case of Captain Morgan Private Stock in a year, easily. I've been working on the current bottle for 4 years now.

6) The days of buying Beaujolais by the case are also in the past. For one, I'm not back to the income level I had when I started down the road to Wine Snobbery. These days, I just can't afford anything more pricey than White Zinfandel, and as we all know, Friends Don't Let Friends Drink White Zin!

Also, I'm down to about 3 wines I still enjoy enough to go out and buy. This is not to say if you drop a glass of Penfolds Grange or some 98-octane California Cab in front of me I won't enjoy the heck out of it!

My current tipples, when I'm tippling:

Pacific Rim Dry Riesling - From Pacific Rim Winery, a spinoff of Bonny Doon Vineyards, this dry Riesling goes with just about anything. It's not too pricy, and so tasty you'll guzzle a bottle if you don't watch yourself! About $10/bottle

Italian Barbera or Barolo - Brunellos and Super Tuscans tend to empty your wallet. I dearly love a nice Amarone, but they're pricy too. Chiantis are either really good (and $$$$) or really bad. For a solid Dago Red, try a $10-$15 Barbera or a Barolo. Goes with pasta, prime rib, and poached penguin.

Ravenswood Cabernet Sauvignon - If you're going to drink a red, don't fuck around. Go for a nice big cab, and ignore that foo-foo merlot and Peeno Nwah. This'll put hair on your chest for about $14 a bottle.

7) We all ought to be sitting on a couch with a refreshing beverage watching Rocky & Bullwinkle cartoons right now.

If you wanted to be tagged, consider it done. Taggus Ominous Dominus. Yea, verily, thou art tagged!