Flaming Reeboks?

Los Zapatos Demonicos

I'm about ready to burn another pair of shoes...

Last time I got this PO'ed at my footwear was in 1989 or 1990 while working at summer camp. I had a pair of Hi-Tec lightweight hiking boots that went from brand-new to completely torn apart inside of 3 weeks.

OK, I was workin' them pretty hard, but even getting them soaked and walking them dry several times a week, you wouldn't expect them to self-destruct in under a month.

I had to wrap duct tape around the shoes just to hold them together long enough to get through the week. Once I replaced them the next weekend (with some GI surplus jungle boots), I ceremoniously set them ablaze outside my tent. They smoldered for the better part of a day, and I made sure to piss on 'em a few times to keep them from burning too quickly.

Fast forward 20 years, and I've once again got annoying shoes. I bought some Reebok hikers last summer, and these damn things won't stop squeaking.

If they get wet, or even if the humidity goes over 90%, they commmence to squeaking loudly every time I take a step. It's so loud, I'm embarrassed to go walking down in the tunnels under downtown. You can hear me coming from 4 blocks away.

I've tried everything, pulling out the innersoles, running them through the dryer, checking the soles for loose rubber. I even got a pointy knife and stabbed the shit out of the soles, hoping to pop any inner air chamber that might be farting air.

Nothing helps. All they do is squeak. With every single step. SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK...

It's enough to drive you bonkers. You might want to... I dunno... set your shoes on fire!!

I'm gonna buy another pair of Doc Martens. They can just deal with it at work, dress code be damned!!