Baboon Pirates

Scribbles and Scrawls from an unrepentant swashbuckling primate.

My Photo
Location: Texas, United States

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

A Pocket Full Of Pee

I Can't Believe I'm Actually Telling This Story.

Sigh.   The things I do for good health...

I've got a checkup with my regular doc in the morning.  The semi-annual appt. with the Cardio Doc was last week. (It went well, thanks for asking!!)

 For all the sh!t that's gone wrong with my carcass, it's maintaining fairly well.  Every 6 months I go in for a visit.  They typically both agree that A) I need to LOSE WEIGHT NOW and b) otherwise, you're doin' all right. Come back in 6 months...

Then, they fill half a pad of scrips for the meds to keep things running OK, and off I go for another half-year.

The regular Doc appt. requires a certain amount of blood & urine, though, provided in advance.  So, Monday morning I went in to his office at the crack of dawn to provide some.

The blood draw was pretty much painless.  The head nurse, a cute little Hispanic gal, has it down to an art form.  I've got huge manatee arms, and veins are impossible to see, but she's got the Jedi Needle Trick down pretty well and just sort of feels it into the vein.  Three vials slurped out in short order.

The peein' in a cup?  Had to make a change to the usual routine.

See, the Doc's bathroom is about the size of a phone booth, and there's a sink, terlit, two trash cans and a cabinet already in there.  Once I cram my sizable self in there, there's barely room to unzip, much less direct a dribble of pee into a shot glass-sized specimen cup.

A note to the thin guys amongst you...  Not only is your schvantz clearly on display from above, you don't have 100+ lbs of  gut fat pressing down on your bladder.  Escape velocities are rather high to begin with, and things are not helped by trying to aim by guess and by Gush.  I mean Gosh...

So, rather than do a Pray & Spray routine, I just smuggled in some pee.
Hey, it's not like I'm trying to beat a drug screen.  It was my pee, just collected in a heavy-duty freezer Zip-Lock, tucked inside a second Zip-Lock for leak insurance and the whole shebang tucked in a pocket for decanting into the specimen cup.

Heh.  Next time, I think I'll just hand them the bag...

BTW, this is NOT the nastiest thing you'll read on the web.  There are some posts I can only dream about reaching their retch-inducing depths.  This one, f'rinstance...