Baboon Pirates

Scribbles and Scrawls from an unrepentant swashbuckling primate.

My Photo
Location: Texas, United States

Tuesday, July 09, 2013

The ODB Syndrome

Grossing You Out In Five Minutes Or Less!!

Well, it's been entirely too clean & proper around here lately.  Time for a bit of the ol' crapblogging...

Today's subject?  ODB.

No, not Old Dirty Bastard, though that could apply as a moniker for my bunghole.

In this case, it's Overly Dramatic Bowel, and it operates like this:

Step One:  Dropping a Deuce.  Take as long as you like, be as thorough as you can, it won't matter to ODB.

Step Two:  Finish up the process, including all necessary paperwork and re-garmenting of nether regions.

Step Three:  Flush, and head to sink for the obligatory ablutions.

Step Four:  ODB Says hello...

ODB:  "Say, uh... You're not finished yet!"

EC:  "Um, yes I am.  I just extruded half a mile of cable.  I'm done."

ODB: "Um, I beg to differ.  Get back on the throne."

EC: "Can it, colon.  You're just spazzing out.  Chill."

ODB:  "Nope, you've got to get reseated ASAP.  I'm about to release the Kraken!!"

EC:  "Got-dammit, I said I'm finished crapping!"

ODB:  "Hehehehe... You asked for it!!"

A feeling akin to Grond breaching the gates of Minas Tirith slams at my balloon knot.

EC:  "AAAuuuugghhhh!!   Jesus H. Tapdancing Keerist!  OK!  OK!  OK!  I'm sorry!  I'm sitting back down!!"

But you can't just sit back down.  It's too late for that.  You've got to duckwaddle your way in reverse, stripping off trousers and skivvies as you go, and pray that the resulting explosion won't spray shit all over the fuzzy rug.

Through sheer force of will, you keep your ringpiece clenched tight, and get ass firmly planted on the porcelain before the turtlehead breaches the nether gate.

ODB:  "plerp... pa-plorp...plink."

Total volume?  Less than a quartet of jelly beans.

EC:  "You filthy asshole!  Is that it??  You had me thinking there was a pony keg of poo needing to come out!!"

ODB:  "Buwahahaahaaaa!!  Got you again!!  You always fall for it!!!  Muwahahahaa!!!"

Sigh.  Overly Dramatic Bowels.   Effin' drama queens...