Baboon Pirates

Scribbles and Scrawls from an unrepentant swashbuckling primate.

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Location: Texas, United States

Sunday, May 29, 2005

How To Waste Food

I *Knew* I Should Have Gone To Jack In The Box...

It was beastly hot yesterday afternoon when I finally rolled back to Casa Capitan after a day of out 'n' about. Saw 'Revenge Of The Sith', ran some errands, bought some ammo for the upcoming blogshoot.

I was quite peckish upon my return home, and just didn't want to eat anything hot, which ruled out most of my usual fast food remedies, and the local pizza shops as well. Nope, gonna have to whip up something for myself.

Aha! There's the little packets of tuna! I'll mix up a little tuna salad, let it chill in the fridge while I go take a shower, then park in front of the fan and watch TV with the bowl of tuna and a sleeve of crackers.

A good plan! Well, it was a good plan until I get almost all of the ingredients in a bowl, and discover that there's not a lick of Miracle Whip or mayo in the house. Damn.

OK, no panicking... I'm a pretty good experimental chef. What can we substitute? I've already swapped out chopped green olives for apples, and sweet relish instead of dill relish. What's here that's a close analogue to Miracle Whip?

Why, look! Two full bottles of salad dressing! No, not the MIracle Whip-type of salad dressing. This is a bottle of 'light' Ranch and regular blue cheese. I'm opposed to most forms of 'light' foods, so I figure, "what the hell!" and dose the tuna salad up good with the blue cheese dressing, then stir it all up. I like blue cheese. How bad could it be?

I had no idea...

Friends & neighbors, that tuna salad tasted like Satan's suppurating sulfurous scrotum after a hard day condemning souls to Perdition. It was so awful that the cats, who normally love all things tuna, wouldn't go near the bowl. I'm pretty sure the flies that usually hang out around the trash bin out on the back patio decided to go hang out on some local dog poo, it being a tastier locale than the tuna I dumped out.

Shoulda used the Ranch dressing, methinks.