Baboon Pirates

Scribbles and Scrawls from an unrepentant swashbuckling primate.

My Photo
Location: Texas, United States

Monday, February 26, 2007

Molar Equations

Taking The Measure Of A Straight White Guy

About those moleskin britches, Eric...

How many moles does it take to cover up your pasty white fundament?

Given that a mole (with its pointy nose and pointy tail) is basically a cylinder with a cone at both ends, we can find the total area by adding the sum of the parts. You get the area of the cylinder by the formula 2π² + 2πrh. The area of the cones are found by the formula πr times the square root of r² + h². Of course, we can dispense with the area on the base of the cones and the ends of the cylinders, as that's the ooky insides and not the fur-bearing area.

This figuring is a bit of a PITA, so we'll dispense with the cones. The head & tail were most likely chopped off in the skinning process, so we'll just use the body of the mole, opened up like a tin can label. This simplifies matters greatly, since we're basically finding the area of a rectangle.

Given that the average Eastern mole (Scalopus aquaticus) is 140mm in length, and masses 75g, we'll assume a radius of 4 cm for the cylinder. Therefore, 2πr gives us 25.12 cm for a circumference, times the length of 14 cm for a total area of 351.68 sq cm, or 54.51 square inches. That sounds like a lot of mole-hide, but it's really only a patch of fur a little bigger than 6 inches by 9 inches square.

Converting to square yards, that gives us 0.042 sq. yards per dead mole.

Now, as anyone who sews knews, fabric is sold by the yard, but not the square yard. Usually the fabric bolts are somewhere between 45 inches and 60 inches wide. However, moleskin isn't sold off the bolt, so we'll find a happy medium.

According to a couple of sewing websites, pants can require about 1 1/2 yards to 3 yards of fabric to make. You're a pretty tall rangy guy, Eric, so we'll say 3 yards. We'll subtract half a yard to make up the difference between fabric yards and square yards, leaving us with 2.5 square yards.

Dividing 2.5 by 0.042 sq. yards per dead mole gives us 59.52 dead moles! Add in another half dozen for belt loops, zipper covers and pockets, and we're up to 66 dead moles!

So, it looks like you're walking around with your ass covered in 66 dead moles.

Dude, that's *completely* nasty. Go get some 501's.

Note: El Capitan would like the animal rights whackos to know that absolutely no moles were harmed in the making of this blogpost. Since we have no moles in my immediate area, I was unable to eviscerate, de-tail and decapitate them with a meat cleaver, then peel off the hides with an authentic Alaskan ulu knife to gain accurate measurements.

I had to substitute squirrels.