Baboon Pirates

Scribbles and Scrawls from an unrepentant swashbuckling primate.

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Location: Texas, United States

Friday, July 29, 2011

The Sea-us of Prius

I Never Thought I'd Miss Full Size Sedans...

The Man once had a fleet of Dodge Neons used for transporting minions all over town for the purpose of random harassment & levying of fees upon the citizenry.

Alas, due to the typical minion's attitude toward fleet vehicles (Drive It Like Ya Stole It), they had a lifespan much shorter than you'd find out in the Free World.

So, the Nazgül decreed that the fleet be replaced by something Green, Sustainable, and completely inaccessible to the majority of the minions.

Seriously, ever try to fit four beefy Code Inspectors into a battery powered rollerskate?

If you know where to look, you can find several dozen baking in the sun. There's another 15 or so off to the left of the camera's viewfinder.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Book Report

This Is Kind Of A Long Post. Go Get A Drink!

Remember that big ol' stack of books I got a while back?

Only a couple left unread... I'm expecting another three books from Amazon in the next day or so, and will spend my weekend seeing how Book 5 of the Song of Fire & Ice (Game of Thrones) series is, along with #3 from Larry Correia's Monster Hunter series.

So, how were they?? Glad you asked!

There were two by Tom Kratman, who does mil-skiffy stuff. 'The Amazon Legion' is the 4th book in his 'A Desert Called Peace' series. It's good escapist fiction, especially if you harbor no fondness for Islamic jihadistas and the transnational huggy-feely crowd. This one's focused less on the main protagonist of the series, but there's plenty of action.

'Countdown: The Liberators' is also full of Mohammed's Minions getting a harsh tuneup followed by a dirt nap. It's kind of a how-to on setting up a mercenary regiment, then using that force to put the stomp on be-turbaned bad guys.

Quite similar in theme are 'The Profession' by Steven Pressfield, and 'Those In Peril' by Wilbur Smith.

Pressfield's is set 30 years in the future, where megacorps contract with mercenary outfits for protection & security. It's a look at what might happen when the merc forces get large enough that they start to set national policy. Or, just set up their own nation...

If you haven't read any of Pressfield's books, you're missing out. 'Killing Rommel' and 'Gates of Fire' are absolutely amazing reads.

I've been reading & enjoying Wilbur Smith's works since high school. My only gripe is that the last decade he's shown a decline in his storytelling, and three of the last 5 books have a distinctive "Mary Sue" feel to them.

'Those In Peril' is OK, for the most part. An oil exec's daughter is kidnapped by Somali baddies, and a ex-SAS Brit security operator goes to get her back. It doesn't end like you'd expect. Worth a look.

'Pillars Of The Earth' by Ken Follett was a huge chunk of paper to plow through. Set in the 1100's in Merrye Olde Englande, it's about the building of a cathedral, and the lives of those involved. Special Guest Stars are Thomas Becket, Henry the Second, and Eleanor of Aquitaine.

If you want a better novel on life in the Dark Ages, read 'Sarum' by Edward Rutherford, and a better novel on huge stone construction is 'Stonehenge' by Bernard Cornwell.

'The Hot Gate' by John Ringo is the third in his Troy Rising series. It's interstellar warfare between the plucky humans and the tentacled googly-eyed critters from Ceti Alpha & points beyond. The first book ('Live Free Or Die') was by far the best. This one seemed a bit choppy.

'Hard Magic' is book one of Larry Correia's new "Grimnoir Chronicles" series. It's set in post-WW1 America, where magic is real, and gangsters can whack you with more than just tommy guns.

Correia tells a great story, and his characters are well thought out and believable. My only beef was the amateurish drawings placed throughout the book. They're so bad they actually distract from the story, and include misspellings of character's names. I won't even comment on the day-glo dog poop on the cover...

Last up is one that's been on my "To Be Read" stack for a while. 'The Phoenix Guards' by Steven Brust is a fantasy re-envisioning of Dumas' Three Musketeers. I'm enjoying the book a great deal. The highly-mannered dialogue, the oblique plotting, and the humor add up to a fun read. It's not laugh-out-loud humor. I guess the best word to use would be droll.

F'rinstance, here's a chapter description that had me chuckling:
Chapter The Eleventh - In Which the Plot, Behaving in Much the Manner Of a Soup to which Corn Starch Has been Added, Begins, at Last, to Thicken

So, what have you been reading lately??

Monday, July 25, 2011

Suburban Bird Hunting

Grackles Beware!!

I can't believe I don't own a pellet gun...

It's time for jihad against the filthy feathered bastards that live in the oak tree out front.

These varmints, with malice aforethought, have well & truly shat upon my pickup.

Don't you just love "shat"? It still describes defecation, but makes it somewhat acceptable for a four letter word.

At any rate, I think for my birthday present this year, I'll buy a Benjamin or Sheridan pellet rifle, and start shooting the poop-geysers.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

I'm Such An @$$hole...

Fun & Games In Suburbia

I swear, bums have no sense of humor.

So, I'm at the post office mailing this package, and some guy comes walking up and asks me for some cash.

Not "spare change", mind you, but "cash".

The urge to tell him to piss off is great, but I had a better idea.

"Tell me a joke", I sez.

The bum is perplexed. "Whaddya mean, tell you a joke?"

"I mean, tell me a joke! If I'm parting with some cash, I want something in return."

The bum stared at me for a few moments, then told me to do something anatomically improbable as he walked away.

Guess he didn't know any jokes.

Told ya they didn't have a sense of humor...

Friday, July 22, 2011

Truly Awful Jokes

Friday Kinda-Sorta Funnies!

I saw a pageful of jokes during my lunchtime webcrawl. They were mostly groan-worthy, but I thought I'd share the worst of the worst...

If you repeat any of these to me at the next blogmeet, I get to kick you in the crotch!

A priest, an Irishman and a Rabbi walk into bar, the barman takes one look and says - "What is this, some kind of joke?"

I was dining al fresco this evening and it started raining.....took me 3 hours to eat my soup.

A web designer walks into a bar, but immediately leaves when he sees they are using tables. Just not his style.

What did one snowman say to another? "Do you smell carrots?"

Have you heard about the new existentialist breakfast cereal? It's called Raisins D'etre.

A little girl is crying inconsolably at the side of the road. A kind woman stops to find out what is the matter. “My kitty just died” sobs the girl. The woman wants to offer some comfort. “Well you can be happy to know your kitty is in heaven with Jesus”. The girl stops crying, looks at the woman in amazement and replies “What would Jesus want with a dead cat?”

Q: How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It's an obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.

Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.

Why is the area between a woman's breasts and hips called a waist?
They could have fit another pair of tits in there.

Q: How many PR people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Let me get back to you on that.

So there's these two fish in a tank.
One says to the other, "You drive, I'll man the gun."

A man is walking down a rural road when he sees a farmer feeding his pigs from an apple tree. The farmer picks up a pig and holds it next to a branch so that it can eat an apple from the tree. Then, he puts the pig down, picks up another pig and repeats the process.

The man says to the farmer: "You could save a lot of time by hitting that tree with a stick. All the apples would fall to the ground and feed the pigs at the same time." The farmer replied: "Yeah, I thought about that. But then it occurred to me, what's time to a pig?"

Did you hear about the man who cooled himself to absolute zero? He's 0K.

I'm going to keep on telling you this TCP joke until you get it.

An AT&T cell tower walks into a bar and says, "I wo...enj...blac...nin...ou.........."

Q: How do you know if someone's vegan?
A: Oh, they'll tell you...

Q: How did the hipster burn his mouth?
A: He started eating the pizza long before it was cool

A reporter and an editor are lost in a desert. They'd run out of water a while back and they are totally lost and thirsty when they finally approach a rocky, mossy area with a couple of shrubs and the tiniest little trickle of a spring. The editor hands the reporter the empty canteen and gestures for him to go ahead and fill it. It's taking forever, though, and the editor impatiently waves him aside, hikes up her skirt, squats over the spring, and pees in it.

The reporter stares at her, shocked.

"What's your problem?" says the editor. "I was just trying to give you a little more to work with!"

Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie?
He was too far out, man.

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I’ve noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capitalization. For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:

“Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.”

This Rabbi walks into a bar with a frog on his shoulder.
The bartender says "Hey, that's pretty cool - where'd you get that?"
"Brooklyn", says the frog, "they're all over the place there!"

A man walks into a dentist's office. The dentist asks, "What seems to be the problem?"
"Well," said the man, "I'm a moth."
"A Moth? You mean the little insect with wings?"
"Right, a moth."
"Oh," said the dentist, "You don't need me, you need a psychiatrist. Why did you come to my office?"
"Your light was on."

Two cannibals are having dinner, and one of them says to the other, "Man, I really don't like my mother-in-law." The other sighs and says, "Well then just eat the noodles."

Why do Marxists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.

A byte walks into a bar looking dejected. Bartender asks "What's wrong?". The byte replies "I think I have a parity error". The bartender says "Yeah, you did look a bit off..."

How many blondes does it take to change a diaper? Ask Hugh Hefner.

An engineer, a mathematician, and an english teacher are given the task of enclosing the largest possible space with a given portion of fencing. The english teacher tries various lengths and widths, measuring the area each time, and after a few hours finally settles on a square, still wondering if he got it right. The engineer takes two minutes to make a circle out of his fencing and then leaves for the bar. The mathematician thinks for a moment, rolls the fencing up very tightly, sticks it into the ground like a post, and says "I declare myself to be inside the fenced area!"

Two Democrats are flying across country in a small plane. Somewhere over Kansas, they develop engine trouble and make a forced landing in the middle of nowhere. After waiting a few days for rescue, they decide to go for help. While trudging along, they stumble across some railroad tracks. They follow them for hours, then one remarks, "Man, these stairs go on forever!" The other adds, "Yeah, but it wouldn't be so bad if the damn handrail weren't so low!"

Q: How many performance artists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: I don't know. I left.

Q: How many psychoanalysts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Why do you think the light bulb needs to be screwed back in?

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.

Q: Did you hear about the cannibal that came home late for dinner?
A: She gave him the cold shoulder.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

The Owls Have Doubled!!

Twice The Hooting, Half The Vermin!

One of the nice things about my routine of reading a book & enjoying a cigar out under the streetlight is the opportunity to see the nocturnal visitors that frequent the cul de sac.

I've seen possums and bats, toads and cats, and the occasional critter that escapes from the menagerie next door.

I've spotted a barn owl on a few occasions, but my favorite is the little bitty owl that perches in the oak tree in the front yard.

Tonight, though, there were two of them! They were swooping down and catching something in the grass, either toads or junebugs.

I hope they set up a household. There's always the possibility that they'll hatch a few owlets, and finally have enough wings & claws to take out that annoying chihuahua!!

That Kind Of Day...

Gloom, Despair & Agony On Me!!

There's a bottle of Maker's Mark sitting just out of reach.

Maybe three fingers left. Enough to get a good solid whooskey buzz.

I could reach the bottle if I leaned over REALLY far.

But the damn ice machine is halfway across the house.

I hate warm bourbon...

I wonder if someone will gift me with an auxiliary ice machine for my birthday?

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

It's A Long Week Already...

Not Enough Sleep!

I got nothing.

Have some fishsticks.

Monday, July 18, 2011

This Is Soooo Gonna Suck!!

Can't Have Progress Without Fuxxoring The Streets For Months On End...

Just got this email. Try to avoid downtown for the next three years.

Attention all Tenants,

As you may know, METRO is making preparations for the new rail system that will pass behind The Man's Big-Ass Building on the north side of the building (Rusk Street). They have been moving utilities and conducting traffic studies in the general vicinity of our building for several months now. We have been advised that contractors will be installing conduit on the 400-600 blocks of Rusk beginning July 20, 2011 through August 30, 2011. Weather conditions could possibly push the finish date back a week or two so be mindful of this fact. This work will affect the flow of traffic and available parking during this time. Therefore, The Man's and/or personal vehicles that regularly park between 400-600 Rusk will have to park elsewhere until the work is completed.

Questions may be directed to Joe Schmoe at 713-555-9999 or Ivan Tabigazz at 281-555-1111.

Thank you for your help and cooperation.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Road Tales

Fun From Two Decades Past

Posted the following as a comment over at Og's place, and it was too good a memory not to share!

(Share your own A-Hole driver stories!!)

Heading from Dallas to Shreveport, my buddy & I were overtaken by an Oldsmobuick driven by (from what we could see) a thatch of white hair & set of wrinkled knuckles high on the steering wheel.

It was doing at least 80, and its left turn blinker had probably been flashing since the guy got on I-20 in Abilene.

So, being the good Samaritans we were, my buddy stomped on the gas, while I pulled out some paper & a Sharpie to make a sign reading "TURN OFF YOUR BLINKER, YOU RECKLESS @$$HOLE!!!"

Alas, the 4-cylinder Chevy Nova, loaded down with fat men & iron, proved unable to catch the alacritous oldster.

All was made right with the world about 10 miles outside of Longview, when we passed the Oldsmobuick being ticketed by a State Trooper on the right side of the road.

With the left blinker still flashing...

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

More Gut-Yanking Tech!

Bet It Works Better Than A Gut Hook.

Apparently it wasn't enough to yank the bungholes out of deer with a tent stake...

First, there was the Butt-Out tool.

Now, we've got the GutWrench, for all your waterfowl eviscerating needs!!!

I love the description for this thing:
Step 1: Insert through the vent. (That'd be the birdie balloon knot)
Step 2: Twist.
Step 3: Pull.

The giblets come out like magic. No fuss, no muss!

I've suddenly lost my taste for roast duck.

Y'know, I'm kinda tempted to make a version of this with rebar and sheet metal and see if it works on politicians...

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Does Chocolate Go Bad?

This Would Never Happen To A Woman!

So, in the process of excavating my office, I run across a 4 oz bar of Cadbury Royal Dark chocolate that got squirreled away in the back of a drawer, and is of indeterminate age.

It's at least pre-LOLA (Sept. 09), and may go back a year before that. I really don't even remember buying the thing.

Still, it's dark chocolate...

Friday, July 08, 2011

Adios, Mofo

Viva Texas Justice, You Filthy Rapist

If there is a hell, I can only hope this scumbag gets an eternity of Satan's barbed & caustic cock plundering his poop chute.

Thursday, July 07, 2011


"Correct me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers, they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key..."

Is is even possible to look at this picture, and not have scenes from 'Caddyshack' instantly start playing in your head?

Wednesday, July 06, 2011

Office Cleaning

Ever Seen A 7 Year Old Packet Of Ketchup??

Anybody want a box of 15 year old printer labels?

How about 40 lbs of assorted bookbinding hardware?

I've even got a stack of floppy disks two feet high full of WordPerfect, Lotus and something with a .wk1 file name.

It's amazing how much crap you can gather up in 7 years, not to mention the crap the 2 previous occupants of your position have bequeathed you.

I looked up the requirements for document retention. If it's not actively involved in some form of litigation, it can be shitcanned after 3 years. We ain't got no lawsuits at the moment, so if there's a date earlier than July 2008 anywhere on it, it's getting pitched.

Wish I could burn all this stuff. I'd have enough fuel to roast a brotosaurus...

Sunday, July 03, 2011

Holiday Weekend

I'd Be In Bed, But The Cat Barfed On It.

It's 2 am, and I'm still up watching DVD's and futzing around on the web.

Man, that's a good vacation! Kinda like every other weekend, though...

Here's some funnies.