All $pammerz Must Die!!!
I am not by nature or inclination a violent person. However, I do have the capacity for violence in me. Lots and lots of the lovely ultraviolence, my droogs...
F'rinstance, let's talk about those subhuman shitbags known as email spammers.
I am so tired of getting ads for peni$ pills and free African Dictator money and Central American condominiums in my inbox, that I'm seriously considering tracking down a spammer and having my way with him.
Here's what I'd do:
First, I'd shoot the spammer with a tranquilizer gun, and tie him up tight.
Then, I'd find a large tree stump about crotch-high.
While the spammer is still out cold, I'd use about a dozen bridge spikes to nail his legs to the stump. Less struggling that way.
Here's a bridge spike:
Make sure you insert the chisel point vertically, to minimize the risk of splitting the leg bone. You don't want your spammer to flop over, after all.
Failing to find any suitable spikes, I'll grind a point onto a dozen 1 foot lengths of 3/8" rebar and use those instead.
Next, once he's awake, I'd extract his package from his trousers, glue his johnson to his belly with epoxy mixed with cayenne pepper and ground-up fiberglass, and then gather up a large swath of his scrotum in a sheet metal clamp.
This is a sheet metal clamp:
Then, it's time to stretch the scrote across the top of the stump, and anchor down the clamp.
What you should end up with, assuming all is done correctly, is about a square foot of scrotum stretched over the stump, with two balls tethered underneath, like two beach balls under a blanket.
Now, out comes the finishing hammer. You usually use these for sheet metal work. Not too heavy, with a big broad head. Looks like this:
Taking the hammer firmly in hand, it's time to start playing Whack-A-Mole. This should be good for a few hours of amusement.
Next, I'd use a fish-killing spike to make about 10 deep holes across his shoulders and back.
This is a fish-killing spike, used to dispatch marlin, swordfish, tuna, etc. after dragging them aboard a fishing vessel:
In the holes made by the spike, I'd jam a speculum type of gizmo to spread the hole wide, then push in a 4/0 treble hook far enough so the skin closes over the barbs.
This is a treble hook:
Next, it's badger time.
This is a European badger.
They are mostly gentle and inoffensive. I will not be using this type of badger.
No, I will be using the American badger. They look like this:
Their attitudes match their teeth, all spiky and grotty-brown. I will ensure this antisocial attitude is reinforced by making them watch 'Oprah' and 'The View' uninterrupted for 48-72 hours prior to use.
After donning plate mail and elephant-hide gauntlets, I will attach a badger to each of the treble hooks via a length of braided steel cable.
Once all the badgers are affixed, I will hose them down with a mixture of DMSO, methedrine, and habañero juice. Some might splash on the spammer. C'est la vie...
I anticipate in the effort to establish badger dominance, they should tunnel through the spammer several times in 10 minutes or less. It would go quicker, but a few will have to gnaw through the pelvis & rib cage first.
I'm also thinking of setting up bleachers and selling tickets. First 100 buyers will get a large can of Badger-B-Gon as well as a complementary poncho to ward off splattering body fluids.