Baboon Pirates

Scribbles and Scrawls from an unrepentant swashbuckling primate.

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Location: Texas, United States

Thursday, December 31, 2009

Last PhotoShop of 2009

Special Requests Done By Appointment Only!

2009 was the year of the Photoshopped Blogger at Baboon Pirates.

There was fine art with Jimbo & GuyK, we had a nice mall scene with Eric the SWG & a zombie horde, an episode involving Elisson carving a cow, and an interlude with Erica and her harem.

There was also Leslie & Elisson as Royal Guards for Emperor GuyK, and the memorable boat trip with Yabu, a jar of white lightning and some crocs. The icing on the cake was the Blowneyed Nativity scene, which got me a holiday Cripplelanche after Denny linked it.

Y'all have been really good sports about my repeated Photoshop assaults on your likenesses. Special kudos to Elisson, Jimbo and GuyK for not going after me with a cattle prod for repeated appearances. Seriously, guys, if I didn't like y'all so much, I wouldn't make the effort. Kinda like that weird uncle that always gives you the Dutch rubs, noogies and purple nurples...

For the last one of the year, I'll introduce my friend Zibig. We've known each other almost 30 years, so I know he'll let me get away with this.


Professor Zibigniew Koznovalski demonstrates his newfangled Hamster Electrification Device

(Click Pic To Embiggificate)

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

This Might Piss You Off!

I'm Getting A Bit Brassed Off Here!

OK, this is just wrong.

Everyone knows that if you need to turn an otherwise useless brass musical instrument into a urinal, you'd choose a flugelhorn...

And just to piss off the reedsuckers, I'd use bassoons for the drainpipes!

Monday, December 28, 2009

What Is Wrong With These People??

Pearls Of Wisdom From The Loony Left

At first, I thought it might be a joke. A few commenters on the website claim it's satire. I'm not so sure.

Upon further rereading and reflection, I'm coming to the conclusion that there are people out there who truly don't live on the same planet that I do.

I was on PawPaw's site, and came across this gem:
Guns, teachers, and self-defense

I am a math teacher at Brockton High School, the site of a school shooting earlier this month.

Current school security procedures lock down school populations in the event of armed assault. Some advocate abandoning this practice as it holds everyone in place, allowing a shooter easily to find victims.

An alternative to lockdown is immediate exodus via announcement. Although this removes potential hostages and makes it nearly impossible for the shooter to acquire preselected targets, it unfairly rewards resourceful children who move to safety off-site more shrewdly and efficiently than others.

Schools should level playing fields, not intrinsically reward those more resourceful. A level barrel is fair to all fish.

Some propose overturning laws that made schools gun-free zones even for teachers who may be licensed to securely carry concealed firearms elsewhere. They argue that barring licensed-carry only ensures a defenseless, target-rich environment.

But as a progressive, I would sooner lay my child to rest than succumb to the belief that the use of a gun for self-defense is somehow not in itself a gun crime.


The Stupid!! It Burns Us, Precious!!!!

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

A Blowneyed Christmas

Yeah, It's Been A Slow Week At Work...

It's the gift you've always wanted! The Blowneyed Nativity Scene!

Instead of gold, frankincense and myrrh, the Wise Men brought a guitar, a catfish and malt liquor. Also, the shepherds apparently use shovels to keep their sheep in line...

I'm offline for a few days, so a very Merry Christmas to all the Blowneyed Blodgers, and everyone else who pokes their head in my little hole in the web!

Y'all have fun! We'll see you soon!

(Click For Full Size Version!)

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

That's One Smart Dog!

I Wouldn't Sniff 'Em Either!

OK, this made me giggle for quite a while!

Monday, December 21, 2009

Some Thoughts On 'Avatar'

Techno-Junkies Versus Flying Monkeys

I went out to see the new James Cameron magnum opus 'Avatar' last night.

I went to the non-3D showing. I'm not particularly susceptible to 3D-induced motion sickness, I just didn't want to wear the silly glasses for 2 1/2 hours...

As I'm sure you've heard countless times already, this is a visually stunning film. Barring some heavy-hitters like 'Lord of the Rings' and 'Lawrence of Arabia', I can't think of many films that deliver a solid overdose of eye-candy from start to finish. No, the CGI/reality overlap isn't seamless, but it's pretty damn close.

The ecology of the alien moon Pandora is well-thought out and reasonably consistent. The same cannot be said for the characters or plot, unfortunately. Most of the characters are kiddie-pool shallow, and you've probably seen the story of The Plight Of The Noble Savage done with more zeal in a 1950's western.

You're also subjected to not-too-subtle digs at the War on Terror and out-of-control capitalism, imperialism, jingoism, and quite a few other isms that the leftists dislike.

This is not to say it's a bad movie. I enjoyed it very much, and will probably go see it again just to look for things I missed the first time.

I have a feeling this movie is going to resonate pretty strongly with the fanboy legions. Look for piles of discarded vampire fangs and the emergence of geeks wearing long braids, war paint and tails.

Another thought that hit me while watching the movie was that 14 year old kids on home PCs are able to replicate the whiz-bang Hollywood special effects that cost boatloads of cash barely a dozen years ago. With as fast as technology moves, how long will it be before this 162 minute 250 million dollar movie can be churned out by 6th graders as a semester project??

Minor spoilers to follow... If you haven't seen the flick, you might want to bail at this point.

Did they really have to call the rare mineral mined on Pandora "Unobtainium"?

Speaking of braids and tails, wouldn't it seem more plausible for the blue dudes to have their bio-USB connector at the ends of their tails instead of at the end of their hair braid? If you shave part of your scalp, as seemed common amongst the males, do you cut your available bandwidth by the same amount?

Towards the final 30 minutes of the movie, the phrase "Nuke 'em from orbit... It's the only way to be sure!" seemed appropriate. I just can't see a starfaring civilization getting bitchslapped by some backwoods treehuggers, and slinking back to Earth with their tails between their legs.

While I'm completely in favor of comely blue humanoid female critters running around mostly nekkid, I've seen enough National Geographic magazines to know that the older females of Neolithic cultures usually have tits hanging down past their waistlines. This was not apparent in 'Avatar'. Maybe these aliens tie 'em in a knot, or something...

Friday, December 18, 2009

Apocalypse Later

Never Get Out Of The Boat!!

My buddy Yabu sent me this pic of some locals heading upriver in Belize and asked me to work some PhotoShop juju on it:

It took a bit of effort, but it turned out OK, I think.

(Click Pics To Embiggen!)

Thursday, December 17, 2009

The Annual Xmas Card Game!

We Have Repelled The Grinch This Season!

Hey, all my little chickadees!

It's time once again for the annual Baboon Pirates Xmas Card Mailout. I've delayed it as long as I can, but tomorrow and Saturday will likely be a flurry of addressing, stamping and mailing in order to get things delivered before next Friday.

If you've moved recently, or if you're new to Baboon Pirates and just want a Xmas card from a virtual stranger, send me your mailing address to: baboonpirates2 (AT) gmail (DOT) com, and I'll be happy to spread some holiday cheer your direction!

Time is of the essence, so don't delay! I've got 5 boxes of cards, and when they're gone, they're gone!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Best. T-Shirt. Ever.

It's So Wrong It's Right!

I'm still kicking myself for not buying one before they quit selling 'em...

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

BlownEyed PowWow

What Exactly Is In Those Peace Pipes, Anyway??

I know, I know...

You're wondering how Walrilla keeps those feathers attached to his head.

The answer is simple.


(Click To Embiggify!)

Justice Denied!

Adding Insult To Injury, Parking Cost $15.00 For 4 Hours!

Well, I'm 0 for 2 with the Harris County Court System. Twice now I've been called up for jury duty, and then cut loose without even seeing the inside of a courtroom.

I was kind of hoping to get on a jury this week, and then have the trial go until next Tuesday or Wednesday. It would have been an interesting diversion prior to the holidays, anyway.

If they hold to their current schedule, I should get called up again in 2013. Maybe then I'll get to the voir dire, at least...

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Wasabi Warning

'Tora Tora Tora' Torpedos To My Tongue...

Just a bit of a heads-up for all you sushi fiends out there...

During this weekend's sushi feast, I discovered a major difference in the composition of the wasabi served with my tekkamaki.

Now, I like a nice spike of flavor with my tuna rolls, but not to the point it raises welts on my tongue. I normally smoosh a pea-sized wad of wasabi on the large sushi rolls, maybe half that on the small rolls. That's sufficient for a palate-cleansing scrub without Roto-Rootering my sinus passages.

Fresh-grated wasabi is always preferred, but us gaijin-types sometimes have to muddle through with pre-prepared wasabi paste.

The Tokyo Gardens brand wasabi has a nice kick, but the heat dissipates fairly quickly.

The Fujisan brand? They must make that from wasabi roots dug up from beside the glassy craters in Hiroshima and Nagasaki. That stuff is just crazy-hot, plus it contains oil of horseradish, which oozes down to the base of your tastebuds and strangles them in a fiery grip.

The difference is akin to the heat levels from a splash of Tabasco to a spoonful of habañero sauce.

You have been warned...

Saturday, December 12, 2009

What A Waste Of Grits!

Good Thing She Wasn't Making Peanut Brittle!

Well, at least she didn't slice his hoo-hah off...

Woman allegedly pours grits on sleeping boyfriend
A 44-year-old woman was booked with second-degree battery after allegedly pouring a pot of boiling grits onto her sleeping boyfriend. St. Charles Parish sheriff's deputies said Carolyn Brown caused second-degree burns on the man's face and arms. The man told deputies that he came home from work on Nov. 7, got into an argument with Brown, told her that he was breaking up with her, then went to bed.


Friday, December 11, 2009

Dreaming Of Decadent Dining!

I Would Eat A Barbecued Weasel At This Point...

Oy... Why do I do this to myself??

This little piece is entitled "What I'd Like To Eat For Dinner".

I think I'd have to add some chili and extra cheese on the turtleburger, though...

(Click For Luscious, Decadent Embiggenation!)

EDIT FOR FULL DISCLOSURE: I found the turtle already emburgerated by an unknown Photoshopper who's MUCH better than me. I just threw it in the pic for a giggle.

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Calorie Creep

Need To Lose Your Appetite? Imagine Rosie O'Donnell In A Negligee...

D'you know the worst part about being a fat man on a diet?

It's not the hunger pangs. I'm learning to space out a bunch of little "eating opportunities" throughout the day so I don't get too ravenous and start gnawing on random co-workers.

It's not even the lack of fattening hi-carb foods. It's getting easier to ignore the foods that put my body in its current state of rotundity. Oh, I still miss 'em. When a commercial for a Double Whopper or a hot gooey pizza appears on TV, I still drool like a Pavlovian mutt, but I still have enough self-control to not begin the nasty habit of jerking off to old copies of 'Bon Appétit' & 'Gourmet'.

It's not even the insertion of large amounts of rabbit food into my daily menu. To tell the truth, I kinda groove on sugar snap peas and zucchini slices and little baby carrots, and I can eat those by the pint.

What really annoys me are the opportunities to cheat.

Here's the deal...

There's no one watching.

There's no one watching...

If I were to go through a Mickey D's drive through and gobble down a couple of McRibs and a Supersize fries on the way home, no one would know.

I could drive over to IHOP and order the Jumbo Redneck Country Boy special, with extra cream gravy and a double-stack of flapjacks, and the waitress wouldn't even blink.

This time of day, I could slip into the breakroom and get a couple of bags of Fritos and a Snickers bar out of the machine, and no one would be the wiser.

Except me.

Except me...

And that, my friends, is the absolute worst part. There's no point lying to yourself. It's like cheating at Solitaire. Why even play the game if you aren't in it to win it?

*SIGH* Master Yoda was right. "Do... or do not. There is no try."

My 1800 calories a day food intake limit has been slowly creeping up to the 2000-2100 mark. Not every day, but often enough to cause me some concern. Some days are a complete write-off. I knew that going in. Thanksgiving I held myself to one plate of food, and a small piece of pie. Even so, that was probably a 3200 calorie day.

Yesterday was the staff holiday dinner, and it was a repeat of Thanksgiving, only I passed on the pie and the bread roll. I had the stuffing AND the mashed 'taters & gravy AND the sweet potatoes, though... Again, just one plate, but not exactly a small meal.

So far I haven't really fallen off the wagon. No double cheeseburgers, no ice cream, no chili-cheese 'tater tots or bucket o' fried chicken. When I "cheat", it's a 240 calorie can of Chunky soup, or some stewed tomatoes with hot sauce. Sometimes I'll go hog-wild and eat half a jar of Claussen kosher dill pickles.

It still bothers me, though. I ought to do better. I guess part of it is the frustration that it took too many years out of my life for me to get to this point, and going back the other direction may take just as long.

Ah, well... Day 82 of Project LOLA, and we just keep toddling along.

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

Infernal Rapin'-You Service

Taxation Without Lubrication Is Evil Tyranny!

GuyK was walking downtown, when he suddenly felt a vicious stabbing pain in his backside!

Also, his wallet was missing...

(click to embiggen!)

Monday, December 07, 2009

Pothead Pandas

I Spent HOW Much Time On This Weak Joke???

Pothead Pandas - Part One

Jeez, I'm SO Bored...

I know, I'll ride my horsie to the beach!

SHIT!!! Forgot the crowded Chinese beaches!
Goddam Yellow Peril!

Wait! I know how to make this "bear-able"!!!


Oh, wow, dude... Much better!!!

(Click To Embigginate!)

Friday, December 04, 2009

WTF Is All This White Stuff??

Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow!

Today kind of reminds me of that old Doonesbury cartoon strip where Raoul Duke was Governor of American Samoa, and as usual for Duke, things are coming apart at the seams. A volcano has erupted since he failed to sacrifice a virgin to the volcano gods, and the lava flow has covered the island. He's been refused aid, except for the U.N., which sent two math teachers.

As he stands in the surf contemplating the catastrophe, snowflakes begin to drift down. He turns to his aide and remarks "I'm a reasonable man, Macarthur, so I know this isn't snow..."

The aide replies, "Pay it no mind, Excellency. It never sticks."

Well, it's sticking here in Houston. That damned Glow-Bull Worming has brought us the earliest snowfall in Houston's history.

Y'all stay warm. I'm gonna go out and find some black ice and see how well my four-wheel drive works...

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Crunchy Frog Pasta

Eat At Your Own Risk!

I noticed that Elisson wrote about a deelish-looking recipe for cheese blintzes, and it reminded me that I hadn't posted a recipe in quite a while.

This recent change in my eating habits has necessarily altered my home cooking. When you have to throw out 30 years of experience cooking mostly high-fat, high-calorie (but extremely tasty) foods, it takes a while to find new favorites worth posting.

This is an obscure Neapolitan dish known as:


1 lb ground lamb
1 cup crumbled feta cheese
1 tbsp minced anchovies
1 cup chopped green olives, pimientos optional
1 cup diced Roma tomatoes, deseeded
1/4 cup breadcrumbs
1/2 onion
1 cup chopped red bell pepper
1 medium bullfrog
4 cloves garlic
2 tbsp olive oil
2 tbsp capers
4 tbsp chicken broth
1/2 tbsp rosemary
salt and pepper to taste

Add olive oil to pan and wait a few seconds until it is hot but not smoking. Add onion and saute until tender. Dump in the ground lamb, and cook until almost browned. Add tomatoes, peppers, anchovies, garlic, broth & rosemary and saute briefly. Salt & pepper to taste. Go light on the salt, you're about to add olives, capers and feta cheese!

Before lamb is completely cooked, add olives, stir well and take the pan off the heat. Toss in chunky, crumbled feta, capers and breadcrumbs. Return pan to heat, lay pithed frog over mixture and stir gently until frog is warmed through. If frog's throat sac swells in the heat, vent with a sharp knife or fork.

Serve over al dente pasta, and sprinkle with chopped parsley.

This dish is sometimes confused with a staple of South Carolina cuisine called Frogmore Stew, but to replicate Frogmore Stew, you would need to add plenty of water, corn, red potatoes, and, of course, more frogs.

Buon Appetito!

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Thanksgiving Snapshots

"What's For Dinner, Mrs. Skinner?"

You just never know who's going to show up for Thanksgiving dinner...

Might need a few more yams, Jerry! Your guest looks hungry!

(Click To Embiggen!)