Crappy Xmas Card!

I'd Sooner Receive A Fruitcake...

I got this cheery Xmas card from Dad via email:

My New Favorite Phrase

Cause Of The Recession? Fannie Mae Was Mobbed By Cows!

Courtesy of Jingles, I have a new favorite phrase.

The phrase? Mobbed By Cows!

Dunno why... some things poke my funny bone at just the right angle.

I shall use this phrase for every occasion!

Late for work?
"Sorry, boss. Mobbed by cows!"

Lazy about yardwork?
"Yeah, I would have mowed, but the backyard was mobbed by cows!"

Are you going to the blogmeet?
"I'm not sure. We can handle the zombies, but what if we're mobbed by cows?"

Why is the sky blue?
"Obviously, the ionosphere was mobbed by cows!"

OK, back to work, before I'm mobbed by cows...

But, I *LIKE* Orange Juice!

Fine Education In Those Madrassas, Yes-siree!!

Heh. As Bugs Bunny would say, "Whatta Maroon!"

I've put a couple of captions below. Feel free to leave your own in the comments!



1) "No, Hamid! I make the protest signs, YOU throw rocks & bottles!"

2) Labor negotiations at the National Association of Breakfast Beverage Manufacturers reached an ugly stage when the Coffee Roasters Union called a strike...

Image courtesy of Little Green Footballs.

Didn't Ram It Hard Enough...

We're Gonna Need A Bigger Boat!

Man, this news story just brightens up my whole morning!

McKinney relief boat hit by Israeli ship

A boat carrying international peace activists, including former Georgia congresswoman Cynthia McKinney, and medical supplies to the embattled Gaza Strip sailed back into a Lebanese port on Tuesday after being turned back and damaged by the Israeli navy, organizers of the trip said.

...

The activists, organized by the Free Gaza Group, said their 66-foot yacht called “SS Dignity” would defy an Israeli blockade of Gaza and ferry 16 activists and three tons of Cypriot-donated supplies. The supplies are intended to help treat the wounded from Israeli bombings against targets in Gaza, in retaliation for rocket fire aimed at civilians in southern Israeli towns.

SS Dignity... What a crock of shit. You know damn well that in the absence of Moonbat McKinney and the western news media, that nameplate would be peeled off and the ship would be revealed as the SS DeathToAllJews.

Better get some of those floatie water wings, there, McKinney. When you try to pull your BS on the Israelis, they're going to have a very different reaction than the Capitol Police!

It's Like, You Know, Y'know??

Clarity Of Speech Reflects Clarity Of Thought.

Excerpts from a New York Daily News interview with Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg:

"I'm really coming into this as somebody who isn't, you know, part of the system, who obviously, you know, stands for the values of, you know, the Democratic Party," Kennedy told the Daily News Saturday during a wide-ranging interview.

"I know how important it is to, you know, to be my own person. And, you know, and that would be obviously true with my relationship with the mayor."

...

Kennedy revealed she has had several recent discussions with her former cousin-in-law, Attorney General Andrew Cuomo, who is also considered a serious candidate for the Senate seat.

"Andrew is, you know, highly qualified for this job," she said. "He's doing a, you know, a great job as attorney general, and we've spoken throughout this process."

Despite his bitter divorce from Kerry Kennedy, in which her family accused Cuomo of spilling about his wife's extramarital affair, Caroline Kennedy said the recent conversations have been amicable.

"You know, I think, you know, we're sort of, uh, sharing some of this experience. And um, as I've said, he was a friend, a family member, and um so, and uh obviously, he's, you know, he's also had an impressive career in public office."

...

Bashed as a political novice, Kennedy argued that her ties in Washington, particularly to President-elect Barack Obama, can help her deliver for New York. She denied that her interest in the seat is driven by a desire to ensure the family continues its decades-long presence in the Senate.

"It's really, you know, it's not about just the Kennedy name," she said. "It's about my own work and what I've done with those values."

It appears that the Kennedy gift for oratory died with John-John...


Back when I was a wee pup, perhaps around 10 or 11 years old, I was listening to the radio one afternoon when the talk show host said something or other that got my decade-old hackles in an twist. The parents weren't around, so I took the opportunity to pick up the phone and dial in to the radio show to give this guy a piece of my mind.

Wonder of wonders, I actually got through. Once he had me turn down my radio, I proceeded to unload on whatever the topic was. For the life of me, I don't really recall the exact topic. Something about students not taking enough gym class in school, I believe.

He let me ramble on for half a minute, then gently interrupted. "Cap", he said. "I'm going to give you some advice. I think it will be invaluable to you, and I hope you'll take it in the spirit it's offered."

OK, sure. Why not? He wasn't talking down to me, as was the typical course of events when speaking with adults.

"Cap," he continued. "I let you talk for 35 seconds. Would you like to take a guess at how many times you said 'You Know' in those 35 seconds?"

I had no idea. I didn't even realize I'd said it once...

"Cap, in the space of that 35 seconds, you said 'You Know' at least 10 times, and probably more than a dozen times. I didn't start counting until the 5th one. I couldn't really follow the point you were trying to make, since the constant stream of 'You know's were so distracting."

"Cap, what I would like for you to do is to make yourself a button, the kind you pin to a jacket or a hat. On that button, Cap, I want you to write 'YOU KNOW' just as big as you can, and I want you to wear it for at least a week.
After a week of people stopping you to ask about what 'YOU KNOW' means, you're going to be so aware of that phrase, you're never going to want to say it again."

Swelp me God if he didn't go on for almost 10 minutes about the importance of good language usage, and how it reflected on your education and ability to interact with others. How you were judged by the way you spoke, and how it could make the difference between success and failure in the professional world.

I never did make that button, but I sure as hell never forgot his advice. I've made an effort to keep my language coherent and free of unnecessary phrases.

There's a lot worse than 'You Know' out in the world these days. I hear all sorts of things that make me cringe, such as "She's all, like, whatever!" and "KnowwhutImsayin'?" and "Global Warming Is Based On Real Science!"

So, based on that Daily News interview, I'd say that Ms. Kennedy-Schlossberg has, y'know, some work to do on her, y'know, public speaking before she's ready to be a United States Senator!

You know?

The Siren Song Of A Model 97

It Would Look Even Cooler Nickel-Plated!

Collector's Firearms is dangling another temptation in front of me...

A refinished Winchester Model 1897 shotgun in the manly and useful Gauge of Twelve!


The refinishing and buttstock replacement have killed any collector value, leaving this bad boy as a reasonably priced shooter. Let's see, at $430 plus tax, that'll be $86 down, and three monthly payments of $115 on Collector's layaway plan... Oh, temptation, you are a cunning wench!

See, the Mod. 97 is one of those firearms that just oozes cool. It's got that Steve McQueen/Bogie thing goin' on, there's no artifice or illusion, just a solid reliable machine getting the job done.

Add to that the ability to unload the thing in a rapid & forthright manner via holding down the trigger and working the slide, each forward stroke firing the gun as soon as the action locks shut, and you quickly discover why U.S. Doughboys referred to the Mod. 97 as a "trench sweeper"!

The Mod. 97 in 12 ga. came with a 30" barrel as standard equipment. Using that as a measuring reference, this ought to be pretty close to what it would look like cut down to an 18" barrel and 28" overall length:



Just about perfect for an anti-zombie gun, right?

Bland Food Sucks

Tabasco With Garlic Is Full Of WIN!!

Just a reminder...

New Years is fast approaching. If you partake of black-eyed peas, collard greens & cornbread, then a fresh bottle of hot sauce is in order!

This Xmas Goose Is Stuffed...

Santa, I Need Alka-Seltzer!

Ohhh... Moan.... Groan....

***BELCH!!!***

....aaaaahhh.....

If there's a Deadly Sin with my name on it, it's Gluttony for sure.

Things started off yesterday morning on the wrong foot. After a healthy meal of rabbit food and lean meat the night before, I arose Xmas morning a bit peckish, and decided to forego the yogurt & fruit in favor of a bowl of Cheerios. What the hell, it's Christmas, right?

I resolved to sprinkle on Splenda instead of sugar, that being the usual method of turning those tasteless oaty bungholes into something palatable.

Well, I was out of Splenda. Out of sugar too, for that matter. Adding insult to injury, I was also completely out of milk.

So, you ever try eating Cheerios floating in eggnog? Kinda rich, but that nog sweetens those dessicated bungholes up pretty nicely!

After my blood sugar levels crawled down from the stratosphere, I went looking for lunch. I had planned on a steakhouse whose website assured me they'd be open on Xmas. I found instead a note taped to the door saying "Sorry, we're closed". Guess the chef had better things to do today.

A slow tour down the main drag found only a handful of open eateries, mostly of the Denny's/Waffle House and Chinese buffet variety, which have little or no appeal. I was about to head back to the house, when I passed an Indian restaurant open for business. Salvation!

Gourmet India had a respectable buffet waiting for me, with treats I hadn't seen before at the typical Indian squat & gobble. Bite-sized samosas, filled with a spicy potato filling... Chicken Pakora, which looks like a blaze-orange McNugget, but tastes delicious.

Malai kofta, croquettes of minced vegetables & cheese in a savory sauce, and the creamiest, most delicious saag paneer (spinach & farmer's cheese) I've ever had.

The chicken tikka masala was quite good, as was the stewed goat with tomatoes & onions. Dessert was my favorite, a dish of rice cooked with milk, sugar, almonds and pistachios, served cold.

I was the only gringo in the joint, which is usually a sign of a good "furriner" restaurant. A belly full of food and iced tea for $20, including the tip. Can't beat that!

I'll be going back, and I think I'll be dragging this guy with me, next time he's in town!

Merry Christmas, Y'all!

So, What's The Bag Limit On Reindeer?

The Nightmare Before Xmas!

What Fun Is Xmas Without A Jolt Of Terror?

"JIMBO!! Yeah, you! Wit' da farookin' good hair! I'm talkin' to youse, Joisey Boy!

I am the Ghost of Crocodiles Past, come to haunt you this Yuletide season! Soon you will be visited by the Ghosts of Crocodiles Present & Future! Don't try to run, Jimbo, or we'll chomp your stindeens! Mwahahahaaaaaa!"

KISS Gift Ideas!

Santa, I Want The KISS Symphony DVD For Christmas!!

I've made no secret of the fact that I'm a fan of the rock band KISS. Since I was a wee kid in short pants I've enjoyed their completely over-the-top approach to Rock & Roll.



The boys in the band are getting older, though, and it's hard to keep touring when you're getting your hip joints replaced and having bypass surgery. It's probably a good time to look for alternate income sources!

The traditional mix of T-shirts, caps, banners, posters, etc. that you sell during concerts can bring in the cash, but to maintain the rock & roll lifestyle, you need a better profit margin!

The two men driving the band's direction since its formation are lead singer/guitarist Paul Stanley and bassist/singer Gene Simmons. They're also offering some unique KISS-themed products for sale!





Paul Stanley has teamed up with Washburn to sell custom KISS/Paul Stanley themed guitars:



Gene Simmons has paired up with a Texas longhorn rancher and an unnamed geneticist to offer Official KISS Gene Simmons signature longhorn bulls!

Merry Xmas To Cowboy Blob!

Why Isn't 'China Beach' Out On DVD Yet??

Cowboy Blob has some pretty specific requests for stocking stuffers this year...

I couldn't find Dana Delaney in a torn GI Tshirt, Blob, but will a mostly unbuttoned green blouse suffice?

Check Your Mailbox!

It Is Accomplished... Yet Again!

Wow. You ever lick 35 envelopes in a row? That's some nasty tongue-funk goin' on there, man...

Tongue-funk notwithstanding, this year's batch of Christmas cards are in the mail as of 8 p.m. last night. My printer's on the fritz, and I ran out of return address label stickers, so each & every address is hand-written. Bozhe Moi! Between my aversion to pen & ink and slow onset of arthritis, the scrawl is pretty bad, but should be sufficiently legible to get the cards to the intended recipients.

I counted and recounted, but somehow there's still an extra card left over. So, if your life would be made complete by a Christmas card from a Baboon Pirate, be the first one to email me your snailmail address at the address up in my sidebar and I'll mail it Monday. I might even throw in a special prize.

My card recipient list is growing. I've now got 4 atheists, 3 pagans, 2 Jews, one Muslim, and one person that I'm pretty sure worships Judy Garland as the latest incarnation of Buddha. Despite the variety of faiths, we all seem to be pretty tolerant. 'Course, in my case it's due to frequent applications of high-proof bourbon and the fact that I'm too frikkin' lazy to persecute anyone...

Singing Tigers?

They Might Be Singing Tiger Carols!

So, what song would a pair of tigers sing?

Tiger By The Tail by Buck Owens?

Survivor's Eye Of The Tiger?

Jazz classic Tiger Rag?

Maybe even the Tigger Song?

I kinda like Sara Hickman's Tiger In A Teacup Town, but it's not on YouTube...

Chilled Poultry Bits

Tastes Just Like Chicken!

Didja know if you rip all the flesh off a chicken and tear it into little bits, you can fit it all into two pint containers?

I went to Boston Market for some meatloaf last night. I love a good meatloaf, and don't like to make it myself, so I go get the 3-person meal and split it between dinner and lunch the following day.

They had a special offer, though. Buy a $17.99 family meal, and add a roast chicken for $1.99.

OK, don't need to twist my arm for that deal. Hand over the chicken, Sparky!

I sat watching a DVD last night after dinner and skinned & deboned the chicken as I watched. The original plan involved making chicken salad, but on a few random samples tasted (strictly for quality control purposes!), this bird was too tasty to coat with mayonnaise and chopped celery.

So, I packed the poultry bits into containers, and brought one for lunch today. It's quite delicious cold.

Tonight I'll get home and toss the leftover meatloaf slices in a skillet and get it nice & crispy on the edges before popping the slices in fresh potato rolls.

This weekend, I'm back on the salads... Gotta build up a protein reserve!

Idle Speculation?

The Occasional Side Effect Of Capitalism

Houston has a liquor problem...

I was driving west down Memorial towards Memorial Park, and I noticed that the last Dailey's Liquor store had been taken over by Spec's Liquor. This is in addition to the new Spec's Liquor at Westcott & Washington, the new Spec's Liquor going in at I-10 and Campbell by the Home Depot, and the Spec's Liquor that bought out Copperfield Liquor over at Beltway 8 by the long-defunct Town & Country Mall.

We don't have a great deal of liquor competition here in Houston. Oh, we're vastly better off than those poor benighted states that have government owned & run liquor stores. In fact, Texas law isn't too terribly onerous when it comes to liquor sales. It's the local community option to go "wet" or "dry" that causes most of the headaches.

Still, in comparison to Dallas/Fort Worth, we've got hardly any choices at all. There's a swarm of small Mom & Pop liquor stores scattered all over town, with poor selection and high prices, and there's the All-Powerful Liquor Empire known as Spec's.

Now, don't misunderstand me... I'm a fan of Spec's. Their downtown warehouse outlet should be registered as a national shrine for boozehounds. I actually preferred it when it was a dark, dingy warehouse full of hidden treasures, but they upgraded it into a yuppie friendly liquor outlet, cigar purveyor and gourmet food store.

Still, even with the excellent selection and reasonable prices at Spec's, one wants a bit of competition to keep all the players sharp and at the top of their game.

In Dallas, for example, I can list just off the top of my head 10 chains that have several stores...

Sigel's
Majestic
Big Daddy's
Goody Goody Liquor
Centennial Liquor
AppleJack's
Buckeye Liquor
Hasty Liquor
Red Coleman's
Texas Liquor

Their stocked liquors were mostly identical, but some chains would carry obscure brands that others wouldn't. If you happened to like one of those brands, you could track it down. Also, competing sales tended to keep liquor and wine prices lower.

Here in Houston, if Spec's doesn't carry it, it might as well not exist. There's little hope of finding an obscure brand at a hole-in-the-wall Mom & Pop liquor store.

There was an effort to compete with Spec's Warehouse a few years back... someone opened a liquor warehouse type of shop over at I-10 and Kirkwood. They stuck it out for a while, but eventually shuttered, leaving a big sign in the front window saying "Thanks, Houston, we tried! Oh, one more thing... Fuck You, Spec's, you monopolistic assholes!!" Well, maybe they didn't say anything obscene, but the implied message was quite clear.

So far, Spec's hit list has some big names on it. Dailey's? Gone. Copperfield? Gone. Bert Wheeler's? Long gone! There's a local chain called Richard's that has 7 or 8 stores, but their niche is fine wines. We've also got Ralston Liquor that serves the ghetto underfunded areas of town, and that's not Spec's preferred target market. There's not a lot of margin on cases of 40 oz. malt liquor and bottles of Thunderbird.

So, I wish Spec's well in their attempt to corner the Houston liquor market. We'll see good selection and prices right up to the point they buy out or bankrupt the last independent, then watch those prices skyrocket. I haven't seen a monopoly yet that could resist that urge!

Manly Men Eating Bloody Beef

You Can Shove Your Salad Up Your Tailpipe...

I had a bit of a rebellion yesterday evening.

The workday was more strained than most. Overall I don't mind being outnumbered by women in the workplace, but there are times when it's more rewarding to strategically rearrange your ballsack, call a useless cocksucker a got-damned useless cocksucker to his face, and then chuck him out on his ass. Instead, we ended up sitting in a sewing circle playing another endless round of Estrogenal Consensus and Validation. I swear to FSM all you need to do to cross the line with these harpies is to cast a disapproving glance at your own lunch, and they'll be lobbying The Man to have you sentenced to attend mandatory Diversity training for a week.

Anyway, adding to the stress, I've been eating lots of salads for the past month. I've come to the realization that unless my waistline hits a high-water mark and begins to recede, my health problems are going to be a bit more complicated than elevated blood pressure and A1C levels.

I just couldn't face another bowl of rabbit food after the day I'd had, though...

So, off to the Hofbrau Steakhouse. Actually, it's mostly a Salt Grass Steakhouse now. They took over the old Hofbrau on Shepherd earlier in the year, but they'll still cook your steak on a slab of red-hot iron, as opposed to burning it on a gas grill like at most Salt Grass establishments.

It's a small place, only seats 90 or so. Lots of dead animal heads hanging on the wall, not a fern or Tiffany lampshade in sight.

Parking is always a problem due to the small lot and close proximity to Shepherd, but I bounced my 4x4 up over a curb to grab a spot right by the door. As I was shutting the truck down, a Hummer pulled in next to me, and a Ford Expedition slid in on the other side of me. Not a got-damned treehugger Prius or metrosexual Mini Cooper in sight. This was a good indicator for a manly meal in my immediate future!

Inside was a welcome aroma of cooked animal flesh and fermented grains. I wouldn't have been averse to a whiff of cigar smoke, but the Nanny Staters have denied us that pleasure at steakhouses. Fucktards...

My server was pleasingly plump, with a muffin top and a good amount of junk in the trunk, and was flirtatious to boot. I reset my vocabulary from Office Neuter to Low Hanging Pair. I'm old & wise enough to realize that she's angling for a nice tip, not jonesing for my schvantz, so I can enjoy the banter without having to worry about closing the deal later.

The New York Strip was just how I liked it, just 30 seconds past medium rare, and still oozing some pink juices. The meat was trimmed exactly right, leaving enough tasty fat alongside the steak to lubricate each mouthful, but not so much you feel like you ate a mouthful of beef tallow. The garlic mashed potatoes and the stewed mushrooms were a flavorful pair of side dishes.

Dessert offerings, alas, were the same tired mix of cheesecake, Death By Chocolate cake, and gooey fudgy brownie. After a manly meal like that, I don't want a heavy sweet. Just a bit of berries and zabaglione, maybe a lemon mousse? Perhaps even a poached pear?

No cigars allowed, so I passed on the after-dinner scotch. With iced tea and Caesar salad, it came to $35 plus tip. Best $35 I've spent in many weeks...

Y'all had any good meals lately?

On The Way To Work

The Eldritch Horrors Of Downtown Houston!

The Subterranean Water God seems angry today! Perhaps an offering of a dead pigeon and some pocket change can stave off disaster!

Friday Frivolity

It's Either This, Or Address Xmas Cards...

Another meme. This is from Leslie, who got it from CalTechGirl. Weeks and weeks ago...


Do you remember your first favorite song? If so, what was it?
Probably the Rubber Ducky song from Sesame Street.

What do you refuse to eat?
Organ meats & assorted offal. Stewed okra. Insects. "Long pig".

Have you ever injected any kind of drug before?
Any kind? Does that include allergy shots, inoculations, and the occasional antibiotic cocktail?

Do amusement park rides make you sick?
Nope.

Who is your favorite Star Wars character?
Han's the man!

What kind of cheese do you put on your sandwiches?
Whatever's handy, but I'm growing fond of Pepper Jack.

What was the first thing you ever learned how to cook?
Scrambled eggs & Bacon.

Did you ever collect beanie babies?
I don't own a single one.

When was the last time you got a haircut?
About two and a half inches ago.

Have you ever been to a bachelor/bachelorette party?
Yes. There was no donkey involved.

Where are you most ticklish on your body?
The taint. Hey, you asked...

Have you ever bailed anyone out of jail?
Several times.

What's the last board game you played?
Probably Trivial Pursuit.

Do you still own any VHS tapes?
Boxes of them.

Do you shop at JC Penney's ever?
Jacques Pennaisse is dead to me. Hey, Jacques? Was that spurious $30 over limit fee worth it? It's the last money you'll ever see of mine...

If there was a real Jurassic Park, would you visit it?
With my luck? I don't think so.

Do you ever read the newspaper?
I'm mostly online these days.

Do you eat your mac & cheese with a fork or a spoon?
I use a soup spoon. More cheesy goodness per mouthful!

Is there any medicine/pill you take everyday?
5, not counting vitamins or painkillers. Make good health decisions while you're young, kiddies! You only get one shot at this.

How many 20 dollar bills do you have on you right now?
None at all. Three singles, that's it.

Would you do meth if it was legalized?
Not only no, but HELL NO!

Do you think Obama will be assassinated?
I doubt it. Paranoia + Modern Technology makes the likelihood of a presidential assassination remote.

Have you ever made out with someone and then never saw them again?
I would say yes, but as it happens, I ran into her almost 20 years later...

Do you drink egg nog?
I have been known to. It mixes well with bourbon, cognac or rum.
Sometimes all three...
Too many calories for more than a small glass, though. I bought a pint on a whim, guzzled it down and nearly shat myself when I saw I'd just ingested 800+ calories at one long slurp.

What are you wearing?
A gorilla suit. (OK, not really. I wish I was, though...)

I Suspect Terrorism!!

Evil Such As This Just Chills Me To The Bone!!

After hearing about an envelope of mysterious white powder being delivered to the Governor's office, I resolved to be extra-vigilant for possible Al Qaeda terrorists in my area!

I was shocked and appalled this afternoon to discover these vicious bastards have struck in my very own neighborhood!!

Using the bitter cold as cover, the wily scumbags took the opportunity to cover our entire neigborhood with a similar mysterious white powder while honest citizens struggled to stay warm indoors!

Even going outside to fight them off had no effect! Using ninja stealth technology, the terrorists continued to sprinkle the mysterious white powder from the treetops and the rooftops even as I struggled to get them in my gunsights!

(Note to self: Call for pricing on night vision gear ASAP!!)

I'm waiting to see the effects of this mysterious white powder before I expose any of our brave First Responders to its possible deadly attack... So far, there's a marked numbness in my fingers, nose and cheeks, and an overall body chill. There might be a bit of a biological component, because my nose is running a bit, and my lips are chapped from my exposure to the powder outdoors.

The symptoms are subsiding a bit now that I'm indoors, but I'm sure that's just to throw me off my guard before the real symptoms hit!

Stay indoors, patriots, and drink some hot cocoa! It seems to help with the numbness and chill!

Mysterious White Powder Everywhere!


White Powder Covers Tree!


This Cactus May Have To Be Burned!


Innocent Child Having Powder-Induced Convulsions!

More RINO Hijinks

Joe, The Glasses Hid That Nasty Squint...

I'm formally nominating Joe Barton for entry into the RINO club. I used to live in this pinhead's district, and I thought I was free of his dumbassery.

RINO stands for "Republican In Name Only", and is usually given to Left-leaning politicinas who campaign under the GOP label. Most of the time it feels like they're really Democrats who didn't want to have to fight it out in their party primaries, and switch teams for an easy win. Joe's no closet Democrat, (at least I think not...) but this idea is right out of their playbook.

So, what's putting Joe Barton in the RINO club?

This foolishness:

Bill proposed to end BCS system

WASHINGTON (AP) -- Taking aim at a BCS system he said "consistently misfires," a member of Congress planned to introduce legislation Wednesday that would force college football to adopt a playoff to determine the national champion.

Rep. Joe Barton of Texas, the ranking Republican on the House Energy and Commerce Committee, didn't specify what sort of playoff he wants -- only that the BCS should go.

The bill "will prohibit the marketing, promotion, and advertising of a postseason game as a 'national championship' football game, unless it is the result of a playoff system. Violations of the prohibition will be treated as violations of the Federal Trade Commission Act as an unfair or deceptive act or practice."

Jeebus Krispymouse on rollerskates!! What kind of bullshit is this??? I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but Republicans are supposed to be for limited government, and especially for keeping the government from poking its tentacles into private enterprise!

Look, I'd like to see a national playoff as much as the next football fan, but forcing it though legislation is a blatant abuse of the government's ability to "regulate commerce". Yes, there's a lot of money at stake, but what you're really pissed about, Joe, is that you can't get enough coaches to reliably place a Texas team in big bowl games as opposed to undeserving teams (though perennial fan favorites) like Notre Dame, Michigan and Ohio State.

OK, I'm kidding about the last two...

If you want a playoff, lobby the BCS for it. Lobby the universities. Boycott the games. Boycott the sponsors. Make it a true grass-roots effort, Joe, and you'll find a lot of fans who'll support it.

Just quit trying for a legislative Hail Mary. It won't work, it's unsportsmanlike, and you're making yourself look like a Democrat.

Oh, I almost forgot... Joe, if you want to fix something, why don't you try fixing that stretch of I-45 that runs through your district that's had the same 30 mile section of highway under construction FOR THE LAST TWENTY GOT-DAMNED YEARS!!!!

Quiz Answers

Oily Shirts

OK, the results of the Tee Shirt Quiz...

By an overwhelming majority, the preferred method of donning a tee shirt involves poking your arms in, then your head. (10 out of 13 responses)

Males voted 8-2 in favor of arms-first, Females voted 2-1 for arms-first.

As for the Mystery Object Quiz:



It appears I have no readers under 30 who chose to respond. They must all be out at a rave, or an Obama rally or something.

Well, that there is an oil spout for cans of motor oil! About the time I graduated high school in the mid-80's, the oil companies started moving towards putting motor oil into plastic screw-top bottles instead of the fiberboard & metal cans.

For the record, I preferred the cans. It was easier to buy & store oil by the case that way.

As for the question about why it's rusty? It hasn't been used for 20 years!

A Message For Gov. Blagojevich

One Can Only Hope Daley Gets Caught Up In This, Too!

Back in the days when personal honor was the measure of a man, a gentleman facing public disgrace and shame was visited by a friend who would urge him to pursue the only honorable course left to him.

On departing, the friend would leave a loaded pistol within easy reach, the inherent message being "Save your family and friends the added shame of seeing you on trial or imprisoned."

Gov. Blagojevich, you're busted! You're not going to weasel out of this. Do the honorable thing.

Oh, wait. You and your cronies have banned handguns in Chicago.

Never mind. Pucker up, buttercup. You're about to be someone's bitch in the Federal Pen for a long, long time!

Couldn't happen to a nicer guy! Bwahahahaaaaa!!

Adios, pendejo!

A Short Shirt Quiz

Can You Tell It's A Slow Day Today??

OK, here's a quiz for the rest of you...

I noticed while watching several shows and movies on the tube that the preferred TV & cinematic method for putting on a T-shirt seems to involve stuffing your head up through the head hole with the shirt left draped around the neck, then snaking your arms up the shirt into the arm holes, then pulling it the rest of the way down.

This goes completely contrary to the way I've always put on a shirt, which is to put your arms in first with the shirt across your chest, then you pull the head hole down over your noggin, then finally pull the shirt the rest of the way down.

So, which way is preferable? Does it matter? I'm thinking the movie guys do it that way because it leaves their chest & abs on display longer.

Are you a head-first person or an arms-first person?

Quiz For The Kids

Unearthed Antiquities!

OK, this is for any of my readers born after... let's say... 1978. Which means all 4 of you.

Based on a blogpost I read yesterday on obsolescent items, I commented that I missed using the item pictured below.

OK, if you're 30 or younger... tell me what this item is!

This Aggression Will Not Stand, Man!

Hey, Nice Marmot!

Elisson, please tell Houston Steve that this pic is retaliation for the Aggie turn indicator/high beam joke in your comments!

Of course, it's possible Houston Steve didn't go to t.u., but instead went to SMU, Tech, or even (God forbid...) Cougar High, but what the hell...

Drive Carefully!

Trust Me, You DON'T Want To See My Skivvies!

Y'know, Mom's gonna be really upset with me if I'm in a car accident today, 'cause I'm wearing the most godawful pair of underwear you can possibly imagine.

Oh, they're clean... no skidmarks, vapor trails or dribble stains. Not yet, anyway. They're just in no condition to be worn, and wouldn't have been, except they were the last clean pair aside from the boxer briefs, which I really, really hate wearing.

The waistband has pulled loose from the skivvies in several places, and the leg elastic is ragged and looking forlorn. There's a huge tear in the side as a result of an overenthusiastic drawer-lowering episode. (Hey, it was a long drive, and I'd been holding it for hours. When the turtlehead appears, it's best to get any fabric out of the way tout de suite...)

I imagine I'll consign this pair to the garbage can tonight, but first I'll pitch 'em on the floor with my undershirt for a while, so the cats can get their daily dose of depravity by rolling around on them and doing unspeakable things to my undies. They seem to enjoy that for some reason. That, and stuffing their heads inside my shoes.

I don't really see the attraction. I mean, you don't see me doing a face plant in their litterbox...

I Feel His Pain!

Perhaps a A Bit Too Much Fiber In That Diet!



I've made that face before while trying to expel a huge log.

Don't give up, ape! You show that turd who's boss!

He's NOT A Kenyan!!

Belfast Violence Flares On Shocking News!

NEWS FLASH!!

It appears that the carefully crafted tale of Barack Obama's Kenyan heritage is a complete fabrication!

Research in the ongoing hunt for Obama's original birth certificate have instead unearthed an amazing photograph of Obama as a young man in his native country!

Far from being African, this candid photo shows the President-Elect performing a native good luck charm ritual from his home country of IRELAND!

Previously thought to be Celts from Iberia, it seems that the Black Irish have another possible origin...

Presenting... Barragh O' Bama!

Proprietary Vino

You'll Need The Special Sony Wine Chiller, Too...

Charles over at Dustbury linked to a contest run off of woot.com to "Show us a label for a wine marketed by another tech or web company".

I've seen a few custom-labeled wines before from unlikely sources, but some of these were pretty hilarious. Señor Hill thought the LOLcat wines were funny, but this one made me spew some Diet Dr Pepper on my keyboard...

To really get the Sony experience, they needed a custom bottle/glass interface.

More WTF Moments

Great Legs, And A Taste For Magic Mushrooms...

This is Tina Turner.



This is Tina Turner on drugs.



Any questions?

Country-Fried Brains

I'm About All WTF'ed Out.

So, I had this song stuck in my head. I probably haven't heard the tune in its entirety since I was a wannabe-cowboy in the early 1980's. (emphasis on BOY).

Yes, it's true, I flirted with Country & Western music in my youth... However, I walked away from most of it, and I never inhaled!

The early 80's were a weird time to be listening to C&W. The old school rhinestone cowboys & outlaw crew were slowly fading from the scene, but we hadn't yet seen the rise of the superstar "Hat Acts" like George Strait, Randy Travis, Clint Black & Garth Brooks. Alabama was about the biggest act around, with Hank Jr., Kenny Rogers and Eddie Rabbitt duking it out for #2.

I had a buddy in Junior High that was a hard-core hillbilly, and we used to head to his place after school and he'd spin his Dad's collection of classic LPs. Mostly old school Country. The Possum, Lefty Frizell, Bob Wills, Ernest Tubb, Hank Sr., that sort of stuff. There was a bunch of 60's era C&W, like Merle Haggard, Buck Owens and almost every album by Johnny Cash. The outlaws were represented... Waylon & Willie, Billy Joe Shaver, DAC and the CDB. A few of the 70's and 80's up & comers were there on cassette tape, like Vern Gosdin, Ronnie Milsap, and the Brothers bands Statler & Bellamy.

I didn't take the plunge into bluegrass until college. I never did get into CountryPop or anything involving line dancing. The Baptists were right about that one... work of the Devil indeed!

Anyway, back to this song... For some reason I had Merle Haggard's tune "Leonard" stuck in my head. It's a song written for & about Tommy Collins, a Nashville songwriter, and as I said earlier, I probably hadn't heard it since it was playing on C&W radio, circa 1981. I just had one line endlessly repeating in my skull... "but Leonard was a name he never used!"

I kept meaning to look it up on the web, but got distracted by one thing or another, so for two nights in a row, this song was pecking on my noodle.

In the wee hours this morning, I had the ultimate flash of weirdness. As I was tossing & turning and shoving assorted cats off my pillow, I dropped into one of those super-vivid dream states. I could hear the song playing in my head, and for some reason, I knew I was going to be able to remember all the words this time. I just needed a nudge. So, I look down, and I'm holding a piece of white paper with song lyrics typewritten on it. I could read them just as clearly as if I was awake in a well-lit room.

Problem was, they were the lyrics to "Old Dogs and Children & Watermelon Wine" by Tom T. Hall, a song I really don't much care for at all. Where the effin' hell did that come from?

Well, at least it wasn't his song about loving little baby ducks...

Back To The Grind!

I'm Taking My Lunch Break Right Now. Honest!

I sure hate returning to work after a 4 day weekend. Oh, who am I kidding? I hate returning to work most of the time.

We've been told that not taking a lunch is no longer optional. So, my days of working 10-6 are probably coming to an end. It's not that I can't get here at 9, it's just that that parking is so much worse. See, if I pull into the parking lot at 9:05, you're just in time for the 8:00 arrivals to have checked in, signed out a car, and gone back out to the remote lot to head out on business. Of course, sometimes you have to wait for 1-2 cycles of the shuttle before a spot opens up, so my usual time getting inside the building is after 9:30.

Some nosy parker apparently didn't like me working a straight eight, and complained to higher-ups, so now even the exempt (aka salaried) folks are being told to take a minimum 30 minute lunch.

Last week was pretty much a kidneystone of a week. Rockhauler was going to drop by on a visit, but paperwork snafus and Mr. Murphy prevented that. I assume he made it from Houston to New Orleans and back home. OTOH, you could pawn that big rig for about 3 weeks of absolute debauchery in the French Quarter, so who knows?

Thanksgiving was not what I expected. Faced with the awesome magnetic pull of grandchildren, my cozy Thanksgiving dinner with the parents got abruptly cancelled as they went tear-assing across Texas as soon as my BIL relented and gave his assent for their visit. I can't really blame him, my folks would be there 24/7/365 if they had the choice.

I had to work Wednesday, and had a pre-existing commmitment Thursday afternoon here in Houston, so I couldn't make it out to San Marcos to join them for lunch. So, my Thanksgiving dinner was a pack of Oscar Mayer turkey lunchmeat and a couple of slices of cold pizza. Ah, well. Sometimes you get the b'ar, sometimes the b'ar gets you.

After twitting Walrilla on his choice of motorsickle boots, I thought it would be hilarious to actually open a bar called the Blue Oyster Bar. Turns out there's already two, in Dallas AND Houston. Go figure... Oh, and the tango played in the Blue Oyster Bar? Turns out it's called "El Bimbo", so go figure again!

So, I guess it's back to my original choice for a bar name... Once they legalize gambling in Galveston, I'll have to have a combo bar and card room down there called the Come Drop Inn, "Liquor up front, Poker in the rear!"