Baboon Pirates

Scribbles and Scrawls from an unrepentant swashbuckling primate.

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Location: Texas, United States

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Wow, It Got Quiet Really Fast!

Turns Out They're Religious Nutballs After All!

Listen to the deafening silence after the pundits have scampered back into their holes!

Up until the news broke about the dozens of teenage pregnancies among the children pulled from that LDS compound out in west Texas, I was reading quite a bit about "jackbooted thugs" and "excessive force by the government", etc. Commentators were saying there was insufficient evidence to raid the compound, and isn't it just awful that those poor LDS mothers (in their Gibson Girl getups) had their precious children whisked away!

Well, chalk one up to the jackbooted thugs. They appear to have called this one correctly.

From the news article:
More than half of the teenage girls seized from a West Texas polygamist sect are pregnant, have children or both, state officials said Monday.

Thirty-one of the 53 girls ages 14 through 17 are either mothers or expectant mothers, said Stephanie Goodman, a spokeswoman for the state's Health and Human Services Commission.


There also is one pregnant 13-year-old, "but most are in the 15 and 16 range at the time they conceived," Azar said. "Some teens have multiple children.

Multiple children... Sweet sufferin' starfish sandwiches...

There is NO excuse for a 13 year old girl being pregnant. I'd make the argument that there's no reason for any girl to be pregnant until she's legally an adult. I know, that's wishful thinking on my part, 'cause kids are gonna play "hide the salami", just like they have since the dawn of time. This is different, though. This isn't kids having sex with other kids. This is adults raping children under the guise of being in a "spiritual marriage".

I'd sure like to debate some adult who feels it's OK to have sex with a child because "God says it's OK". I'd have to start the debate by shooting him in the kneecaps, but after we got past that preliminary event, I'm sure we'd have a lively discussion...

Monday, April 28, 2008

Qleaning Up The Quotes

Next Time, It's All Disney!

It just occurred to me that I hadn't posted the three remaining unguessed quotes from the 2nd Movie Quote Meme. Actually, I'm fairly certain someone did guess them at one point, but when you let things drag on as long as I have, it all starts to get hazy...

Oh, Walrilla got some right, but emailed them into a black hole where I ignored them for two weeks. Lo siento, hombre! Just want to give props where they're due!

A: Come on, Frank. What are you doing?
B: What am I doing? I'm quietly judging you.

This was Tom Cruise and some bit player in 'Magnolia'.

A: You travel a lot?
B: Yeah.
A: Traveling makes you lonely?
B: I'm alone, I am not lonely.

This was Robert DeNiro to his love interest in 'Heat'.

A: As spokesman for some of the younger turks, I'm supposed to invite you to lunch, in celebration of your approaching greatness.
B: Oh Christ, today?
A: Come on, executive bonding! Raucous, unfunny jokes. And we'll kiss your ass in the hopes you'll mistake it for affection.
B: How degrading for you. I'll be there. What time?
A: Twelve thirty. Bring your ass!

This was Michael Caine to a co-worker in 'A Shock To The System'. (If you haven't seen this one, go rent it!)

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Sunday Night Drum Battle!!

3 Minutes Of YouTube Insanity

So, who would win in a drum-off between Buddy Rich and Animal from The Muppet Show?

Watch and find out!

For those unimpressed with Muppets, here's Buddy Rich vs. Gene Krupa from 1966!

Friday, April 25, 2008

250,000 Hits!

Look Out, Glenn Reynolds, I'm Gainin' On Ya!!

As a lad, I was taught to not view odometer rollovers with any joy, as it only heralded more miles on the car, and thus the vehicle was that much closer to the scrapyard.

Well, most of my cars growing up were rolling auto-zombie POS's anyway, so I always ignored that bit of advice, and will continue to do so.

That being said, we've reached a quarter-million hits here at Baboon Pirates!


Verbum Sapienti Gothicus Satis Est

Look, it's tough growing up fat. I know this from experience. It's not going to get any easier as you get older, either. Making life even more difficult for yourself just isn't a very bright idea.

So, please, take fifty cents worth of free advice...


What, are you completely deranged? Do you get your jollies from jocks yanking the waistband of your size 54 Fruit of the Looms over your head every afternoon? How the fuck are you expecting to get a job looking like that?

And the dogcollar and leash!!! Jeezus H. Tapdancing Christ!!! I mean, the two dyed ponytails already make you look like a convict's bitch, but do you have to go into that role willingly?

Look, it's one thing to dress up gothy for a night out clubbing. Doing it as a lifestyle really only works if you're cave-dweller pale and weigh no more than 102 lbs., male OR female. Especially female. Ladies, those corset panels aren't supposed to have so much cordage in the laceholes that you could use 'em to hoist a mainsail! I'm just sayin', is all...

I'm not even going to address the midget in the Insane Clown Posse shirt. If you're a Juggalo, I can't even begin to pull you back from that pit of despair.

"Life is tough, but it's tougher when you're stupid." - John Wayne

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Reminder: Pay Your Hosting Fees!

AutoDebit Is Your Friend...

Wow. Of all people to let their domain registration lapse...

James Lileks has had that site running since most of us were still using Mosaic to finger Gophers. I thought maybe it was a prank, but this is April 23rd, not April 1st...

I can only imagine how much cash the vultures will be asking to let that domain loose again. He generates a boatload of traffic. OTOH, people going to and not finding Lileks probably won't return.

Well, I hope he gets it squared away. Graumagus of Frizzen Sparks went through this, and he's still got a placeholder there instead of his blog. Thing's ain't been right on my blogroll since that happened!

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

That's *SO* Tactical!!

The Most Overused Selling Term Since "New & Improved!"

I am so sick of hearing "Tactical". Open any gun magazine, surplus catalog, outdoor gear ads, it's tactical this, and tactical that.

I'm pretty sure I saw an ad for tactical underwear, with sewn-in slots for a Surefire flashlight and pebble-finish Nomex-lined condoms.

I'm at the point now that I'm ready to have a Picatinny rail attached to my schlong so I can mount flip-up sights and a vertical foregrip...

This, though, might be the last straw. Please, PLEASE tell me that the fine folks at North American Arms haven't put a tac-rail on a Mini-.22??

(Assuming your monitor's not set at a wonky setting, this should be close to life-size)

That's all we need, a laser-sight mounted on a 1" barreled pocket .22!!

Monday, April 21, 2008

The Bird Is The Word!

Why Don't They Call Female Peacocks "Peacu-" Um, Never Mind...

OK, so I'm rolling through the 'hood the other day, and I got to...


And standing RIGHT THERE!!!

Was a big mofo peacock. Looked kinda like this one:

Just kinda hangin' out & chilling. Doin' whatever peacocks do.

I stopped and looked at him. He didn't pay me much mind.

Peacocks and turkeys look kinda similar in body size, and for all I know, they're a moist and tender treat. I contemplated the switchblade nestled in my truck's door handle, and thought about tackling the critter. Those tailfeathers would look right smart tucked in a tall vase by the piano...

I reached for the door latch... Then, I realized something. It was quiet.

TOO quiet... This was probably some dastardly peacock ruse, meant to draw me out of the safety of my truck, whereupon dozens of the multicolored bastards would rain down from the treetops and peck me to death, dragging off the bloody remnants to feed the hens and chicks.

I waved my knife at the bird just so he knew I was on to his little scheme, then drove home, checking the rearview mirror the whole way. You never can tell with those sneaky birds...

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Movie Quote Meme Update

Don't Rush, There's Plenty For Everybody!

Wow, there's a virtual roundtable going on in the comments section of Friday's Movie Quote Redux!

There's still some left. # 7,9 & 15 are still open. People have hinted at answers for a couple, but until it's stated clearly, that ball's still in play!

Some hints...

No quote is from any of the following flix-

1) War of the Roses
2) Pulp Fiction
3) Reservoir Dogs
4) From Dusk Till Dawn
5) Big Trouble in Little China
6) Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil
7) Arthur

Friday, April 18, 2008

Multi-Line Movie Quotes

"He Did It! He Missed The Barn!"

This blogmeme was so much fun (and so darn easy to put together...) that I had to do it one more time!

This time I picked exchanges between two (or more) actors. Some of the quotes I just find funny. Others are favorites for more personal reasons. Giving you the actual character names would make it far too easy, so every name has been replaced with A, B, C, etc.

Same rules as before... here’s how it works:

1) As readers correctly identify the quotes’ cinematic origins in the comments, I'll strike out the quotes and name the commenter who answered correctly.

2) If the commenter also identifies the name of the speakers (the characters or the actors), he or she gets bonus points in the form of a link to his or her site.

OK, here's 15 quotes from 15 assorted movies! Some are considered cinema classics, some are a complete waste of celluloid.

Have fun! Oh, no cheating! Using Google, IMDB or other Internet-related sources is strictly verboten!! It’s more fun if you try to figure these out from memory:

Oh, one more thing... Rockhauler, you and I watch virtually the same movies. This oughta be like shooting fish in a barrel for you, so let the other readers guess this time! You're welcome to play, but email me your picks instead of posting to comments! Update: RH plows through 14 of 15 via email, leaving me no choice but to take up watching Eurotrash art films for Quotememe III...

1) A: Look at your eyes!
B: What's wrong with my eyes?
A: They're all red & bloodshot!
B: You should see 'em from my side!
Ronni goes one for two with this quote from 'Cat Ballou'! You could still win a link by naming the actors! Tkay gets Lee Marvin correct! Also, Joan of Aaaargh. The balladeers, btw, were Stubby Kaye and Nat King Cole!

2) A: Is this place for you?
B: Indeed no, sir. I'm merely a humble butler.
A: What exactly do you do?
B: I buttle, sir.
Morning Glory correctly guesses this exchange from 'Clue' by Tim Curry & Martin Mull!

3) A: Would you like a sip of whiskey?
B: I do not drink, it is against my religion!
A: Religion is a good thing I say, taken in moderation.
Larry from Last Refuge of a Scoundrel nails this exchange between Eddie Murphy & Denholm Elliot in 'Trading Places'. I probably should have included their next exchange of lines:
EM: Beef jerky?
DE: Thank you very much, no, it gives me the winds somethin' terrible!
EM: Ohh...

4) A: God, I hate that bitch.
B: Probably shouldn't have married her then, huh?
Ambulance Driver gets this one... Ed Harris in 'The Abyss'.

5) A: You are too precious for words, why I could just... eat you alive!
B: Oh no, Margaret! Too young!
Jenni gets this one right! It's from 'The Addams Family'. Heather also got it.

6) A: Stephen Foster. "Oh, Susannah", "Camptown Races". Stephen stinking Foster!
B: Ah, yes. Well, this happens to be a nocturne.
A: A which?
B: You know, Frederic fucking Chopin.
Heather guesses 'Tombstone', and gets it right!

7) A: Come on, Frank. What are you doing?
B: What am I doing? I'm quietly judging you.

8) A: You are a very strange man.
B: You have no idea.
Jerry of Back Home Again nails this quote. Of all the movie quotes out there, this one (From 'Reversal of Fortune', said by Ron Silver & Jeremy Irons) is the most "this is me" quote I've found yet.

9) A: You travel a lot?
B: Yeah.
A: Traveling makes you lonely?
B: I'm alone, I am not lonely.

10) A: I've got lunatics laughing at me from the woods. My original plan has been scuppered now that the jeeps haven't arrived. My communications are completely broken down. Do you really believe any of that can be helped by a cup of tea?
B: Couldn't hurt, sir.
Bob from The Lost Fart of Blogging guesses correctly with Sean Connery in 'A Bridge Too Far'.

11) A: Teaching is just a way to pay the bills until I finish my novel.
B: How long you been workin' on it?
A: Four and a half years.
C: It must be very good.
A: It's a piece of shit. Would anyone like to smoke some pot?
Connecticut Yankee aka Fratboy Slim nails this quote from 'Animal House' (Peter Riegert, Tom Hulce & Donald Sutherland). Alas, he has no blog to link to...

12) A: What's in the box?
B: Pain.
Cowboy Blob gets this one right! It's Kyle MacLachlan in 'Dune'.

13) A: What did you shoot him with, an air rifle?
B: Look, we grow weed. We're not mercenaries.
A: You don't say.
Baz correctly guesses "some dudes" from 'Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels'! (Note: I don't know their names either...)

14) A: I don't know anything about no fuckin' truck.
B: Oh, yeah? Well, your friend XXXXXXX told us a different story altogether.
A: Oh, is that the one about the hooker with the dysentery?
Heather gets this one right, it's Benicio Del Toro in 'The Usual Suspects'.

15) A: As spokesman for some of the younger turks, I'm supposed to invite you to lunch, in celebration of your approaching greatness.
B: Oh Christ, today?
A: Come on, executive bonding! Raucous, unfunny jokes. And we'll kiss your ass in the hopes you'll mistake it for affection.
B: How degrading for you. I'll be there. What time?
A: Twelve thirty. Bring your ass!

Good Luck!!

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Flying The Red-Eye

I Used To Get Red-Eye From More Enjoyable Means...

I crashed early last night. I've been feeling a bit blah the last few days, and didn't have the energy to stay up late websurfing.

I wake up at some wee hour of the morning, and stumble to the can to offload the dregs of the 44 oz. SuperGonzoGulp of Diet Coke I had with dinner. Along the way, both cats were evicted from my bedroom via the cunning strategy of tossing kittytreats down the hallway.

I can barely keep my eyes open. Hell, I can't hardly shut 'em either. Serious discomfort is emanating from my eyeballs.

That ring of high wattage bulbs around the vanity mirror lighting up after the trip down the pitch-dark hallway is like a spike right through my brain via the eye sockets. God knows why I still have 'em in there, there hasn't been a female setting foot in this bathroom, let alone applying makeup via the mirror, in ages.

My eyes look more like rotting Roma tomatoes set in some scabrous cavern. Both are swollen and bloodshot, and there's some nasty crud glopped in the corners of my eyelids.

Washing them with water didn't accomplish anything. Not a drop of Visine in the house, either. I stopped buying eyedrops around the same time I stopped buying rolling papers.

Sheer misery. Couldn't keep 'em open, but shutting my eyes hurt even worse. Finally I fell asleep, and woke up with nary a problem. Everything was back to normal.

I'm thinking Betsy Cat positioned herself in between my face and the electric fan, forcing a nonstop stream of cat dander into my sinuses for several hours. One of these days I'm gonna shave her and wrap her up in duct tape and solve that problem once & for all...

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Don't Boil Dem Sprouts!!

Guilty!! Of 2nd Degree Immature Cabbage Abuse!!

My buddy Jingles went to a high-falutin' cooking class last weekend, and learned to make all kinds of edible yummies.

One thing about her recap made me cringe though, and that was her co-conspirator that took a bunch of Brussels sprouts and "boiled them to death".

¡Ay Caramba! ¡Dios Mio! ¡Fuego Chivo y Culo del Toro!

I love Brussels sprouts. I posted a recipe about them way back when, but it's time I revisited their preparation so perhaps a few tasty sprouts might not be consigned to the watery grave to become a bitter, smelly green turd on your dinner plate.

OK, here's the deal. Brussels sprouts are basically just tiny little cabbages. Like cabbage, if they're cooked too long, you start to get weird smells and off-tastes developing. You need to cook 'em just long enough to get tender, and no more.

"But, El Cap!" you say... "They've got a hard knot at the base where the stem is. You've got to boil the piss outta the thing to soften it up!"

Not at all. It's all about how "X" marks the spot.

When you prepare your sprouts and are pulling off the loose yellow leaves and trimming the stem, take a second to cut a deep "X" into the stem end. Go at least 1/2" deep, and don't worry if a few extra green leaves detach from the base.

Cutting into the stem allows the hot water and/or oil to work down into the stem to soften it up quicker. You can also cut the sprouts in half if you're so inclined, but they do tend to come apart in water. Splitting them works better if you roast them.

If you just gotta use hot water, put your sprouts in a pan, barely cover with cold water, and set on a medium flame. Bring to a boil, and once boiling, cook no more than 4-5 minutes. Remove from heat, drain, toss with a bit of melted butter, salt & pepper.

Roasting is even easier. Toss the washed, cleaned and "X"ed sprouts with olive oil, kosher salt and cracked pepper, then put on a baking pan in a 400 degree oven for 45 minutes or so. Stir/flip every 7-10 minutes so all sides heat evenly. Don't worry about a few burnt leaves. Like the browned gooey stuff on the bottom of a stew pot, that's the tastiest part!

I'd imagine a splash or two of balsamic vinegar with the olive oil, kosher salt and cracked pepper marinade wouldn't be a bad idea, either. Also, you could add some onion slices, slivered shallots, walnuts, almonds, or whatever else you had handy.

So, be careful boiling them sprouts! You could do them (and yourself) a disservice!

Buy A Gun Day 2008

Put Your Tax Refund To Good Use!

There's a new addition to the household!

I've actually had this revolver for a little while now, but for one reason or another never posted about it. I guess I'm just turning into one of those paranoid types that prefers to keep the outgoing info on my "arsenal" to a minimum!

Most of my handguns are single actions. I don't know that I intentionally planned it that way, but it made it somewhat inconvenient when circumstances dictated that I needed more of a carry gun than my little 5 shot Charter Arms .38 Special.

So, I started shopping for a .357 Mag, preferably by Ruger, preferably stainless. What can I say? I'm a revolver kind of guy.

Lo & behold, this stainless Ruger Speed Six showed up at Collector's Firearms:

I put it on layaway, and slowly trickled the shekels into the piggybank until I could spring it loose many weeks later.

I'd post a picture of the target I shot when I took it out to the initial range session, but I'm way too embarrassed. It looks like it was hit with numerous buckshot rounds from 50 yards out. Suffice to say, I need to get used to shooting double-action, and keep that muzzle from creeping up and to the right as the lockwork does its thing.

It's quite manageable shooting 125 grain JHP rounds. I completely forgot to open up the box of 158 grain rounds, but those aren't that seismic. I'd like to try the 180 grain Cor-Bon loads, but I think I'll get a shooting glove purchased before I touch any of those off...

Monday, April 14, 2008

Better Late Than Never

Blogging & Insomnia... A Match Made In Heaven!

Well, I'm up in the wee hours of the morning again. Might as well post something since I avoided doing so all weekend.

This pair of exquisite saw-handled duelers showed up at Collector's Firearms recently. I'm about $22,000 short of the asking price. Perhaps I oughta set up a Paypal link and do a little blegging, maybe??

Click the pic to see more on this outstanding duo.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Oh, Happy Day!! GORILLA SUIT!!!!!

I'm So Exuberifficalacious About This, I Almost Peed Myself!


There is truly power in prayer...

I've referenced gorilla suits every so often here on the blog, and even wrote a long post detailing my love affair with the idea of wearing a gorilla suit to work.

So, guess what rolls across my web browser this morning but this:

I can't believe it! A workshop that will instruct you on building a custom-fitted gorilla suit!!

Sometime this October in Pennsylvania, gorilla suit devotees will gather and construct some bodacious outerwear!

Hang on a sec, I gotta go breathe in a paper bag for a while just to calm down...

Here's a snippet from the website while I quit hyperventilating:
No single article of clothing is as versatile as the gorilla suit. You can wear a gorilla suit to an embassy party, to a jewel heist, to a high-speed car chase, and then practice your slamdunks in it, all in a single evening. Without a well-constructed, well-tailored, and suitably altered gorilla suit (do you need boot-cut legs to go over your ski bindings?) your closet is sadly lacking.

But the fancy-dress gorilla suits of the past aren't made anymore. Even the patterns to sew your own are out of print. That's a tragedy. Here are some of the things you can't do without a gorilla suit:

•You cannot attend fancy-dress parties in Italian chateaux and be mistaken for a British ambassador who is in a gorilla suit, unless you have a gorilla suit.

•You cannot drive a Nash Metropolitan around Blake Edwards-style at high speed in a gorilla suit, unless you have a gorilla suit.

•You cannot sneak up on David Niven while you are wearing a gorilla suit, unless you are have a gorilla suit and are wearing it.

•If you capture a dastardly criminal, you cannot send them on a transatlantic freight voyage in a crate with an amorous gorilla, unless you have a gorilla suit to put the dastardly criminal in.

I might have to sell off my belongings to get the cash to attend this event. Buying enough fake fur to cover my bulbous hide can't be cheap, and who knows how much it'll cost for bail money...

I can't wait! I can't wait!! I can't wait!!!

Via Boing Boing

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Taxes Are Done!

I Haven't Seen A Refund In 7 Years...

I finally put nose to grindstone and got my taxes done. Fully 5 days before the due date this year, so I'm improving!

I came out ahead this year to the tune of $560. OK, I really overpaid and let the gubmint use $560 of my money interest-free for a year, if you want to get nitpicky.

I won't see a dime, of course. My outstanding tax bill from the great 401k Cashout of 2002 will be reduced by $560 instead, and the collection letters will subside in tone from HarpyShriek to Mild Rebuke for a few months. This will put the outstanding tab down in the three digit range, so if I'm diligent and pay them a smidgen every month, I might see a refund next year.

Or, I continue to give them the finger for another year or two, and the bill will eventually resolve itself.

Y'know, it's not very financially wise to avoid paying 'em off, but it's a lot more soul-satisfying knowing you're not jumping through hoops for the Infernal Revenooers.

The finger it is!!

Snow White Balloon Knots

Seems To Me It's Kinda Like Putting Lipstick On A Pig...

I guess dipping cotton balls in Clorox is not the recommended method.

Full Story Here.

I don't know that I want to add much commentary to this one. I think Tam said all that needs to be said on this subject.

Pic scrounged up by Breda.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Internet Time-Wasters

I'm Hip To The Scene, Daddy-O!

You Belong in 1959

You're fun loving, romantic, and more than a little innocent. See you at the drive in!

More Silly Quizzes...

Your Movie Buff Quotient: 86%

You are a movie buff of the most obsessive variety. If a movie exists, chances are that you've seen it.

You're an expert on movie facts and trivia. It's hard to stump you with a question about film.

Your Biblical Name Is...

Raphael Zedekiah

You will not live to see the end of times.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

The Old Heave-Ho

At Least I Didn't Miss The Trash Can...

Wow. I haven't puked like that since I was barely out of my teens and still learning to drink whiskey...

I know, great way to start a blogpost, huh?

This past weekend was one I'd just as soon forget. I had a great time Friday night playing poker with the usual crew, and even came out a few bux ahead. The next day, I had a brief bout of the Tijuana Two-step, but it was nothing a couple of Imodiums wouldn't cure.

Saturday evening I had some pizza & pasta courtesy of Pizza Hut, and a bedtime snack of two finger's worth of Baker's 107 proof bourbon over ice. I went to bed feeling relaxed and quite at one with the world.

3 a.m. rolled around, and it was quite a different matter. For the next 12 hours, it was a gastro-intestinal thrill ride.

First, the cold sweats!

Then, the fever burn!

Next, the twisted gut cramps!

Finally, the esophageal eruption! Yay!!!

For the record, I frickin' HATE to dry heave... Seems like a good ab workout, though.

I made it through to the downhill side of the episode Sunday evening, along with another dose of the trots. (OK, TMI there, but if I had to suffer, you can too!)

I was out of work Monday, just resting up from all the drama. I still don't know what I ingested that set all that off, but I ditched the leftover pizza and have been living on Diet Rite soda and Pepto-Bismol for the time being.

So, anyone want to come scrub out a trash can?

Sunday, April 06, 2008

RIP Charlton Heston 1924- 2008

"Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty Grim Reaper!"

Charlton Heston died Saturday at the age of 84.

To be honest, Charlton Heston was never a particular favorite of mine, though he did have some roles that will guarantee his place in cinema history. 'The Ten Commandments', 'Planet of the Apes', 'Soylent Green', and 'Ben Hur' are all unquestioned as classics, and would have been very different films with someone other than Heston in the lead role.

My personal favorite Heston films are 'Major Dundee' and 'The Mountain Men'. Both are somewhat light on historical accuracy, but are highly enjoyable nonetheless.

Heston was also known for his decades-long activism on behalf of the 2nd Amendment. I can only hope that a family member of Heston's will tuck a gun in his casket just before it's sealed, so no one will be able to "pry it from his cold dead fingers", to paraphrase a famous Heston quote.

Friday, April 04, 2008

How To Make Budweiser Suck Even More

Beer + Clamato + Lime = Semi-Nasty!

I was standing in line to pay at the local convenience store last night, and the huge iced tub of beer kept catching my eye. The more I looked, the quicker I came to the conclusion that my month-plus abstinence from alcohol was nothing more than a vanity-induced aberration, and needed to come to a screeching halt.

So, I picked out a 24 oz. can of beer and added it to my pile o' crap.

Not just any beer, though. I'd decided to finally try a michelada.

I can only imagine how this drink was invented. Probably some drunken Latinos were trying to mix a Bloody Mary, and ran out of vodka. One of 'em said "Fuck it, hombre! Just use cervesa instead!"

I can't speak for how a fresh-mixed michelada tastes, but the Anheuser-Busch canned version is... unique.

It's got a weird layered flavor. The first thing that hits your tongue is the usual crisp-yet-thin taste of Bud lager. Immediately after that you're hit with a wall of tomatoey-spicy taste that completely wipes the beer flavor, and even though the can is icy cold, it feels vaguely warm to the taste. Just about the time you're afraid the spiciness is going to go off the scale and leave you with a burning tongue, it disappears completely, fading with a faint hint of lime and beer. See, it's not really spicy at all, but the garlic & spice in the Clamato juice make you think it might be.

I've had plenty of shandygaffs and similar beer cocktails, but this one I don't think I'll care to repeat. Something about mixing beer & tomato juice just doesn't work for me.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

El Cap:2 - Crazy Old Cat Lady:0

Don't Phuck With My Phelines!

The SPCA dropped by Casa del Capitan for an inspection, as was threatened by the Crazy Old Cat Lady recently.

The kitties were summoned via the Magical Magneto-Sonic Cat Attractor (can opener), whereupon they were scooped up and handed to the SPCA drone.

SPCA drone spends all of 15 seconds looking at each cat before saying "No problem here!" and heading for the door.

Thanks to all who suggested various plans of revenge towards the Crazy Old Cat Lady.

I think I'm going with my own plan, involving a SuperSoaker watergun filled with essence of dog-in-heat, which will spray on her ankles when she comes near the window. To be amorously pursued by every horny dog in the subdivision strikes me as quite appropriate for a Crazy Old Cat Lady.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

I Am *SO* Disappointed...

All That Effort For Naught!

Another April Fool's Day has come and gone, and one prank goes almost completely unnoticed, and the best part of another one merits no attention at all...

At work I hung up a sign on the bathroom mirror reading:




Signed - (Name of our building mgt. co.)

All day long, people were in & out of there, and not one word or laugh. Even the cleaning crews left it alone, and I made spares 'cause I just knew they'd tear it down.

I suppose a good number of my fellow drones thought it was the real deal. Sigh.

As for my wedding announcement...

Not one of you commented on my "bride's" name! I looked and looked forever to find just the right name, and when one announced itself, I basked in the glory of inspired genius!

So much for casting pearls out to the blogosphere.

"Candida Albicans" is the name of the fungus that causes oral & genital yeast infections, a condition known as candidiasis, or "thrush".

One one hand, I'm quite disappointed. OTOH, it's encouraging to know that since y'all didn't recognize "Candida Albicans", it's likely that no one actually has candidiasis. With two blogfests rapidly approaching, this might be important news!

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Oh, Sweet Lord, No...

There Should Be A Law Against This Crap...

I wish I could say that this post was an April Fool's Day attempt at humor like the previous one...

Unfortunately, it's all too real!

My eyes... My ears... The Horror... The Horror!!!

Yes, it's Celine Dion doing an AC/DC cover song:

Is it just me or is watching Celine thrust her pelvis around about the least erotic thing you've ever seen?

This is gonna take at least a couple of quarts of bourbon to erase from my head...

I Have Wonderful News!!

They Say There's A Match Out There For Everyone! Now I Believe It!!

Great news, my loyal readers!

I don't talk much about my social life here, 'cause who wants to read the blog equivalent of an Ingmar Bergman film? Y'know, naught but bleak gray landscapes, with Death appearing at random to kill budding relationships...

Well, no more!

I've met the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with, and amazingly, she feels the same way! Though we only met recently, it's been a whirlwind romance. I couldn't risk losing her, so I scraped up enough cash to buy a 1/2 carat ring and popped the question yesterday evening.

She said YES!!!!!!!

Her name is Candida Albicans, and she goes by "Candy"! She's just as sweet at that name sounds. Here's her picture. I took it at the tattoo parlor about midnight last night, where we were getting each other's names inked over our hearts.

She's got a wicked sense of humor, and likes to show off her wild & crazy side. I'm going to have to get used to her quirks, like her insistence on having deviant sex in public places, as well as her penchant for multiple intimate body piercings. I swear when she sits down, it sounds like a bag of coins clinking!

We haven't discussed kids yet. I'm not sure of the engineering involved. I mean, I can manage to get past all the rings, bar & chains, but I doubt a baby could...

Anyway, wish us luck! We'll need it!!