How Much Is That Buddy In The Jail Cell?

Another Moral Dilemma

(Sing the title to the tune of "How much is that doggy in the window??")

OK, a serious question for y'all...

Let's say you've just been made aware that a friend of many years is currently occupying a cell in the county lockup.

The bail is more than they can afford to swing on their own.  More than the friend's family can afford.  More than you can afford, to be honest.  There's a shitload of zeroes on that number.

As much as you'd like to help out, there's no way short of taking out a bank loan that you can put a dent in even the 10% a bondsman would require.  And let's face it, the chances of getting approved for the bank loan is slim-to-none.

I mean, it was one thing when back in the day, your friends were getting popped for traffic warrants or misdemeanor possession or drunk & disorderly, and you could shuck out a couple of Benjamins and have 'em loose in time for pancakes at Denny's before work the next day.

This is some serious shit, and odds are, there's a state jail term at the end of this.  Repayment odds stand at decades-or-never, and though it pains me to know a friend is languishing in durance vile, the story reaching my ears is that there ain't no one to blame for his predicament except him.

So, how much would you honestly expect a friend to do?  A family member?

What's your price tag on friendship??

Tuna Helper

A DVD Review, Sort Of...

Not much of a Xmas pile of loot this year.  Other than the Mauser pistol, the only thing Santa brought me was a stack of books and a couple of odds & ends.  All the stuff from the family is still with the family.  I'll see them on New Years and we'll trade gifts then.

Ya gotta love Santa.  Somehow in all those orders of stuff from Amazon and other online retailers, there always seemed to be one little extra thing per order that wound its way to my doorstep.

Hey, call it rigging the game if you must, I call it making sure you get what you ask for!!

Anyway, I finally acquired a long-sought after DVD of the 1984 version of Greater Tuna made for HBO & produced by Norman Lear.

"Greater Tuna??" you inquire?  Quite possibly the greatest theatrical spectacle based in the Lone Star State to ever grace a stage.  I'm a huge fan of the play and its sequels, 'A Tuna Xmas', 'Red, White & Tuna' and 'Tuna Does Vegas'.

It's a two-man play based in Tuna, Texas, the 3rd smallest town in TX ,where the Lions Club is too liberal and Patsy Cline never dies.  The two principles, Jaston Williams and Joe Sears, have been playing the multitude of characters in the tiny town for almost 35 years.

It's a skewering satire of small-town Texas life, with the first play more sharply pointed than the others. There's love underneath the ribbing, though, and anyone who's spent any time in any small town will recognize most of the characters.

Part of the appeal of the stageplay is the rapid costume changes and clever staging that allow the two actors to play 2 dozen characters seamlessly.

In this HBO special, split-screen effects allow characters played by the same person to appear together, and there's been some pretty major changes and deletions to the script to adapt it for cable TV.

I've also got a copy made when the play aired on TV up in D/FW, but that was a "filmed on stage" production, and was no different than seeing it from the 10th row.

Considering the HBO DVD runs about 45 minutes, and cost me almost a dollar a minute, I can't say that I'm 100% pleased with the result.  It was an interesting take on the original, and introduced characters that don't show up on stage until the 2nd play, but given the age of the original and the fuzzy copy-of-a-copy quality, I don't know that I'd recommend seeking out your own unless you're a hard-core Tuna fan like I am.

Xmas Wishes

Hey, It's Worth A Try!

Dear Santa,

Please bring me the following.  I have been a very good boy this year!  Really!

A 1971 Mustang Grande, with the 351 Cleveland V8 and fastback.  Blue or Green, I'm OK with either.

A magic keg-er-ater, that never runs out of Shiner Bock & Old Style lager.

A gunnysack full of Thai Stick.

A bank sack with just enough Krugerrands that I can hoist it and schlep it away.

A slightly tipsy Monica Bellucci with an unexplained urge to practice naked yoga with a fat balding Texan.

A machine that dispenses perfectly cooked ribeye steaks.

30 minute shopping spree at Collector's Firearms.

A baker's dozen or mix & match of donkeys, moose, longhorn cattle and Bactrian camels.

Bah. Humbug.

F#&% You, And The Reindeer You Rode In On!!

Not a great week, campers.  Usually the week before Xmas is a time of joy and happiness.

This year, not so much.

Just got off a conference call with some bean counters and circuit punchers.  What kind of heartless f#&% schedules a conference call for 3 pm the Friday before a holiday?

Oh, that might have been me.  Heh...

My friend Lynn died this week.  Complications of a brain tumor.  I'm so completely bummed about it.  Of all the nice people in the world, she was in the top 2%.  The only plus side is that if there is a Heaven, she had an Admiral's Club pass at the airport, and a First Class ride to the hereafter with an E-Ticket waiting for her at the Pearly Gates.

Lynn and her husband Dave were some of my first "adult" friends.  That is, friends made post-college, and no connection to my dope-smoking, keg-draining college days.  I was doing some serious transitions from rowdy kid to "responsible adult" (ask me how well that worked out) and they provided friendship at a time I really needed it.

Millions and millions of useless pissheads out there and she gets the tumor.  It just ain't fair...

Let's see... Another friend allegedly became persona non grata in a certain banana republic, and was either deported or dumped across a border.  Dude, you know who you are.  CALL HOME!!  YOUR MOM IS FRANTIC!!!

So, there's that to worry about, too.

The NRA continues to beclown itself on a national scale.  I think half the problem is a spokeperson named Wayne LaPierre.  He's spent so much time posturing and bloviating to get past being named "Wayne LaPierre", the message gets lost in the bluster.

Next time, just hire a guy named Buck Turgidson and be done with it...

I think tonight will be devoted to tying one on.  I'll pick up a 12 pack of something dark & lagery and Mexican, along with a fifth of some kind of bourbon and kiss this kidneystone of a year goodbye.

Have a better one, y'all!

OuchOuchOUCH!!!

El Capitan Falls Apart

Got-frikken-verdamnt winter weather...

Somehow the skin on my paws dried out, and a nasty deep crack appeared on the heel of my hand right where a callus looks to be pulling loose.

Jeez, I think I can see Shanghai down there at the bottom.

What does one do to speed healing?  It's mostly dead skin to begin with, with the new skin way down deep.

I'm thinking Superglue.  Maybe Spackle.  Hate to mix up a batch of epoxy just for a 1/2 crack...

Prussian PistollenBangenZieQuikenUndtLouden

The Mystery Unveiled...

I only got three guesses on Saturday's Guess The Gun post.

Of the three, SciFi Jim correctly ID'ed it as a Mauser, but Paul was the one that narrowed it down to a Mauser Broomhandle!  Congrats, Paul!

Full disclosure:  I actually wrote the post Friday afternoon at work, and not having the C96 with me, "borrowed" a pic of the rear sight to stand in for mine.  So, Mike, thanks for noticing the fingerprint, but neither it nor the sight belong to me!

Here's the rear sight off my C96:

So, let's take a look at the whole thing, shall we??

I had an opportunity to acquire a "Red 9" version of the Mauser C96 chambered for 9mm Parabellum, and wasted no time doing so.   This particular version was made circa 1916 for the Prussian Army, as a stopgap measure to provide pistols for the troops when the Luger P08 was in short supply.

The "Red 9" refers to the large red numeral 9 burned and painted into the grip to distinguish it from the typical Mauser C96, which fires a bottleneck 7.63 cartridge.  Red 9's are rarer, tend to appreciate in value quicker, and it's not nearly the PITA to get ammo for as a 7.63 version is.

As long as I use plain lead bullets or copper-washed bullets at 1000 fps or under, the rifling and innards of the pistol should stick around for another 96 years.  The bore's got a few pits, but the rifling is strong and overall it's in very good shape.  We shall see....

It's a handful!  With the 10-round magazine on front of the trigger and the long barrel, it's not a compact or balanced pistol by any means!

Here's something I didn't know:  With the hammer back & the safety on, you can carry a Broomhandle cocked & locked!

Also, with a round chambered and the hammer down, the safety, when engaged, will lift the hammer up off the firing pin.  You can see clearly the wartime tool marks on the frame.

To feed the thing, you need to acquire stripper clips.  I got some from Numrich.  Ugly & rusty, but they'll work.  With 10 rounds of 9mm lined up in the clip, you insert the stripper into the slot, and shove the rounds into the internal magazine.  Upon removing the stripper clip, BE CAREFUL!!!   At that point the bolt will slam forward, chambering a round, the hammer is back and you are HOT!!

Ease the hammer back a skosh and apply the safety, or carefully lower the hammer and apply the safety.  Remember, this was made back in the days where "Is Gun.  Is Dangerous." was commonly understood!  I'd love for this to have a hammer-dropping safety, but that didn't show up until the P38 entered production!

Here's the bolt in the rearward position.  You can see the firing pin in the slot on the bolt.

The screw seen holding the grip on is the only screw on the entire pistol.  Everything fits together like a Chinese puzzle box.  It's not hard to break down and reassemble, but you do need to pay attention.  Put it back together it wrong, and you can lock it up tight, requiring you to do some damage to unfuck it and get it put together correctly.  Stick to the field strip as opposed to a detail strip, and you should be OK!

I can't wait to get this to the range!

Guess The Gun!!

Weekend Fun & Gun Games

Santa came early this year!

I had the opportunity to acquire a new addition to the arsenal.  I had something completely different in mind (M1 Garand), but when a deal pops up, and you've got the wherewithal to jump on it, you do what you have to do...

This is the first time I've bought a firearm primarily as an investment piece as opposed to a shooter.  Oh, it'll get some rounds through it, no fear about that! Still, given the relative rarity and age, this isn't likely to be something that sees a lot of daylight.  With any luck, I'll be able to swap it even for a new set of kidneys in about 40 years.

Because I'm a kind soul that cares, I'm gonna ask you to guess what it is based on a single picture.
Why just one?  Because there's no other angle that wouldn't be instantly recognizable!  Even with this angle, you can deduce quite a bit!

Take your guess in the comment section!

More pics next week!

Suck On My Balls!!

'Cause Xmastime Is The Season For Festive Balls!

OK, fiends and nabobs, it's recipe time!!!

You need some balls to eat.  Not Schweddy Balls, Not Chocolate Salty Balls, but...

El Capitan's Chocolate Cherry Rum Balls!

Take the following foodstuffs:

2 blocks Philly Cream Cheese
1 16 oz jar maraschino cherries
1 bag dark chocolate chips
8 oz walnut chunks

Optional - Rum, coconut flakes

Drain the cherries, chop into chunks.  Drain again.  Throw the juice into the ham glaze.

Let the cream cheese soften on the counter for a bit, then toss it into a big bowl with all the other crap.

Sit in front of the TV and stir until it's all mixed up.  Try not to eat too much.

Get a melon baller or a couple of spoons and scoop out into balls.  Lay on a wax-paper covered cookie sheet.  Keep chilled until ready to serve.

If you're into coconut, toast some shredded coconut and roll your balls around in it.

If you're into rum, soak the chopped cherries in rum for a day before mixing them in the balls.

Either way, it's all good.

Slices Of Life

Odds & Ends From H-Town

My Hambone Brings All The Cats To The Yard

Despite a double-wrap of plastic bags and a burial in the garbage can, I came outside this morning to find four cats gnawing on the hambone I'd used to flavor the pot of beans yesterday.  Looked like a pride of suburban lions laying around a defunct wildebeest, each with their tail pointed on a separate compass point.

I imagine it took a raccoon or two to haul the bone out of the can.  No telling who else got their gnaw on before the sun came up. I'll let 'em have another day before I try to throw it away again.


Pepsi Kills Keyboards

Well, it's official.  The Apple Pro keyboard is deader than fried chicken.   Using your keyboard as a makeshift snack tray and crumb catcher for a few years is not the best idea, especially when you cap off the abuse by dumping about 6 ounces of ice-cold Pepsi Max into the keys.

It's pretty much phuct.  Some keys don't repeat, others won't stop repeating.  Luckily, it's a multi-Mac household, and I've always got a spare or two.


Christmas Cash

You know how to do one-stop shopping?  Head to the bank and pull some cash out of the ATM.  You want to bitch about me not putting thought into your gift?  I'll take half of it back...


Browser Obsolescence

Just about any website that links to Facebook or Google Syndicate is causing my browser to lock up and require a force quit.  Out of 20-30 websites I visit nightly, I'm down to about 6 that won't freeze my crypto-Mac.   Damn, I do not want to get a new Mac...

A Word For The Cheese-Dic

Always Steal Borrow From The Best!

Got to thinking this morning about a word that ought to be in the dictionary, but isn't.

As it happens, Elisson does an ongoing feature called "The Cheese Aisle Dictionary",

So, here goes:

Fartspatter -   noun -  \ˈfärtˈspa-tər\

1:  Unwanted side effect of flatus whilst urinating in a state of nekkidness.   What should end up as a skivvie-skidmark instead speckles the shower curtain.

2: Excess work for employees generated due to the rantings of minor-level elected officials (City Council, Aldermen, etc.) in an effort to increase their stature. 

"When Councilman Anders started pounding on the desk and demanding answers, the records clerks knew they'd be in the office until the wee hours cleaning up the fartspatter."

It Doesn't Work Quite Like That...

Fun & Games In The Man's Domain

Aside from the odd traffic accident, I can't honestly remember ever hoping for the police to hurry up and get here.

Until today...

Apparently Little Miss Princess Know-It-All over in the {REDACTED} department has been a bit too prolific with her checkbook, and a little too unconcerned about the available balance in the account.

Word traveled down the pike that there were hot check warrants issued for LMPK-I-A, and the gendarmes chose this week to round people up and take them to the hoosegow.

I get a call from a frantic manager, wondering what she should do when and if the long arm of the law stretched out for LMPK-I-A, who reports to her.  LMPK-I-A has apparently been telling co-workers about the warrants, and knows she's being sought out.

"Why?" asks I.  "You're not planning on hiding her in a closet, are you?"

"No," sez she.  "LMPK-I-A has been telling everyone that since we all work for The Man, the police can't arrest her in the workplace.  Is this true?"

*CUT TO:*   El Capitan, laughing fit to bust a gut, trying to stay upright.

"This ain't Holy Ground, Ms. Manager," sez I.  "If they want her, she can't claim Sanctuary.  Nope, just call her up to the front desk if and when they arrive, then stand back and document the shit out of what happens next."

"What do you think will happen?" asks she.

"Well, with any luck, someone that ignunt will resist arrest, and they'll taser the stuffing out of her, then apply some pepper spray for good measure."

Damn, if I wasn't up to my eyebrows in moving boxes and junk, I'd go see the show myself.

C'mon, Johnny Law!  Get here quicker!!

Moving Day? Could Be...

Quod Differtur, Non Aufertur

Damn.  Looks like it's going to happen.

I've delayed, I've begged extensions.  I've procrastinated, evaded, and trod the fine edge of outright refusal to comply...

And yet...  The movers are scheduled for 8:30 in the morning.  Looks like my long solo stint on the old floor is at an end. 

Feh.  This annoys.  It really does.  Having a door built onto a cubicle does not an office make.  Plus, it's INSIDE another office, shared with 4 other drones.  Drones that I like well enough at a distance, but
will be sure to grate in close proximity.

Maybe it's time for a switch.  Which of The Man's divisions hasn't moved locations in 30 years???

Random Chunks Of Reality

It's Only Tuesday...

Well, that weekend went quickly.

Even with three days off, it flew by at an alarming rate. I'm scared to take a week or two off, for fear I'll go to sleep on the first night, and wake up back in July of 2011.

I went back to the local cigar shop for the first time in a few weeks. I'd tapered off my usage of the stogies in reaction to a nasty chest cough/congestion debacle, and I'm sorely out of practice. My usual pair of double toros just about walloped my ass, and I think I may have to go back to a milder blend and work my way back up. I haven't had the cold sweats after a 2nd cigar since grade school...

Watched some interesting flix. Some better than others, for certain.

'Lawless' was a 1930's moonshine/bootlegger movie just about ruined by Tom Hardy's obtuse acting style and the usual crap acting by Shia Leboeuf. Guy Pearce is almost unrecognizable as a creepy FBI agent. Still, ya got straight-razor fu, Winchester 1897 fu, Tommy Gun fu, and a really nice nekkid redhead.

'The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel' was a frothy bit of fun starring just about every over-50 British actor in existence and a really nice nekkid Hindoo gal. Kinda made me want to take up residence in an old tumbledown Jaipur palace. The kid from 'Slumdog Millionaire' was good, but Maggie Smith steals the show.

'Brave' was not at all what I expected. A lot more bears, for one. Still, it was a fun romp, and reminded me that my friend Racy Coxx is NEVER to be given a longbow...

For you Western fans, rejoice that 'The Cheyenne Social Club' is now out on DVD. Yes, in case you've forgotten, those were indeed some bounteous mammaries behind a bit of gauze assaulting Jimmy Stewart. Welcome to "PG" rating circa 1969!

Went shopping over the weekend. I may post pics, I may hold off until after Xmas. This one's a doozy!