Off The Reservation

I'm Going To Dream About Playing Quake Wars...

It's almost 2 a.m. Just came home long enough to grab a quick nap & shower, then back up to far NW Houston for a weekend-long LAN party.

You wouldn't think a bunch of 40+ year old guys would grind away all weekend trying to kill each other over the network, but someone's got to keep all the 14 year olds out there from thinking they have a lock on all the First Person Shooter games...

The Burrito From Hell

The Continuing Saga Of Stuff I Can't Eat

So yesterday I'm taking a shortcut through the breakroom on the way back from the can, and I see one of my co-workers pulling something out of the microwave that smelled delicious. Well, the simple truth is, she smelled delicious, but taking a little nibble to find out how she tasted would get my ass tossed to the curb...

She was microwaving a burrito from Chipotle. I like their food, but I haven't eaten there in a long while. Since it's served out of a paper bag, I still consider it fast food, so it's been off the "LOLA Approved" list since last fall.

Even though they start out with a flour tortilla the size of a pillowcase, I looked up their nutritional information on their website just to see if there was a chance of being able to eat there. Heh. Wrong...

Here's the breakdown of a single burrito:

Tortilla - 290 cals
Rice - 130 cals
Black Beans - 120 cals
Grilled Veggies - 20 cals
Carnitas (Grilled Pig) - 190 cals
Red Tomatillo Salsa - 40 cals
Cheese - 100 cals
Sour Cream - 120 cals
Guacamole - 150 cals

Jeebus H. Keerist! 1160 calories in one burrito!

OK, so you could knock off 370 of those calories by cutting out the queso, crema y guacamole, but that'd mean one dry,. boring burrito.

What I can't figure is how the woman who admittedly hates to exercise can eat like that and stay a size 4...

Third Time's The Charm...

Incompetent Imbeciles On Parade!

Why am I not surprised?

For the third time in a row, my travel reimbursement documents have been "lost" by those responsible for processing them.

Every single got-damned time I leave this town on official business, the mouth-breathing jackholes who stay here manage to fuck up the paperwork.

This time, I thought I was playing it smart. I knew in advance which documents to file, who needed to sign them, and got it done before I even left town. It's a set mileage rate, no meals, no lodging, no registration fee, it should have been a slam-dunk.

Nope. Out of a 24 page stack of forms needed to travel 150 miles and back, one critical page WHICH WAS STAPLED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE #$%*&!@& STACK managed to disappear between here and Accounts Payable.

Next time they want me to go out of town, they better lay a couple of Ben Franklins in my hand on my way out the door, or my happy ass is staying home.

Schmucks...

Know Your Cat Vomit

A KittyBarf Primer For The Connoisseur

Anyone who shares a home with a feline has probably experienced the sublime joy of squishing a melange of half-digested kibble and festering hairball between their toes in the wee hours of the morning.

Dog owners are frequently serenaded by a constant chorus of yips, whines, barks and howls. Cat owners are used to a more quiet pet, except when they're treated to hysterical yowling at 3 a.m. for no apparent reason, punctuated by the dulcet tones of the cat regurgitating the contents of its stomach onto something expensive and impossible to dryclean.

I've had cats for most of my life, and have seen some truly spectacular piles of vomit. You'd think they ate themselves silly at a Golden Corral buffet, and followed it up with a pony keg of Heineken.

So, what did your cat eat to cause them to chunder on your bedspread? Read on:

Cat Vomit Is: Bluish liquid, somewhat foamy.
Answer: Cat's been drinking out of the toilet again.

Cat Vomit Is: Red & green scraps mixed in with kibble.
Answer: Cat's been eating the poinsettia.

Cat Vomit Is: Milky white mixed with raisins.
Answer: Cat ate most of your Raisin Bran when you got up and answered the phone.

Cat Vomit Is: Large moist lump the color of your cat.
Answer: Typical hairball. Apply sticky tape roller directly to cat to lessen occurences.

Cat Vomit Is: Suspiciously absent.
Answer: Look behind the couch, you'll find it.

Cat Vomit Is: Located next to the cat food bowl.
Answer: Subtle commentary on your choice of cat food. Consider upgrading to better cat food.

Cat Vomit Is: Chewed up legs, wings and antenna.
Answer: Cat ate a cockroach. Reward cat with delicious canned cat food for ridding house of vermin.

Cat Vomit Is: Disgusting lumpy fish-smelling glop.
Answer: Cat has vomited up delicious canned cat food.

Stuff I Can't Eat - #1

Le mataré para su pan dulce!

I'm beginning to understand how junkies must feel when they're locked in a room to kick the smack habit...

I caught myself staring at the pastry display at the grocery store today. I was there for my weekend dose of sushi, plus some cat food and canned soup.

I'm not sure quite how long I was standing there gazing at the array of tortes, tarts and truffles, but I think the clerk had asked me 2 or 3 times if I wanted anything before I snapped out of my indecent fantasy concerning myself, Monica Bellucci and the tray of profiteroles.

So, here's some food p()rn. If you can't eat it, at least you can fantasize about it.

Red Velvet Cake:

CandyGram For Jimbo!

"I Hear You Knockin', But You Can't Come In!"

Sooner or later, Jimbo, you'll forget to peek through the glass before you open the door, and then you'll be in trouble!

Project LOLA - Day 126

I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream For Ice Cream!

More than 4 months into the Long Overdue Lifestyle Adjustment, and I'm still managing to stick with it.

Mostly...

There's been some hits & misses. Mostly, it's me missing double cheeseburgers and chilidogs.

I'm really amazed I haven't broken down and had a fast food gorge or gone to a Chinese or pizza buffet and put the fear of God into the cooks. I keep telling myself it's OK to go have a steak once in a while, but can't bring myself to do that, either. It's not the steak so much as it is all the other goodies, the baked 'tater, the warm sourdough loaf with real butter, the thick slab of cheesecake for dessert...

It's easier just to say no to all of it.

I seem to have settled into a groove of about 2000-2100 calories a day. I just couldn't stick with 1800. I finally decided that rather than get out of bed hungry at 11 pm and go hork down a container of yogurt and a handful of pretzels, I'd just tack on an additional 300 calories with dinner, and avoid the munchies later on. You can eat a crapload of carrots and sugar snap peas for 300 calories...

Some ideas haven't worked out too well. Beef broth, for starters. Why drink hot tea and think about food? Have a hot cup of broth and have the illusion of eating steak! Wrong... It's way too salty, and it really doesn't taste very good. If you were to lay underneath a bull, spraying its 'nads with a hose and drinking the scrotal runoff, that's about all the beef taste you get from a can of broth.

OTOH, at the local HEB I've found Baxter's soups, which aren't cheap, but are low cal and taste pretty good. The Lentil & Smokey Bacon is excellent, and only 220 calories for the whole can.

Snyder's pumpernickel and onion pretzel sticks are pretty darned good, and a double handful is only 200 calories.

I made the mistake of going into the local Central Market, which is a Foodie's Paradise. Not only was their sushi much more spendy than the regular HEB, the whole place is set up as a diet-failure zone. There's free samples of everything all over the store!! Walking through the bakery section was pure torture. They sell about 40 different kinds of bread, and each type has a bag of sliced up samples luring you in with their seductive aroma... I only ate 2 or 3 or 12. Better that than the whole loaf, I suppose.

On the way out the door, a smallish wedge of Cotswold cheese leaped into my basket while I was surreptitiously dry-humping the giant wheel of Parmigiano-Reggiano. I tried to make the wedge last more than one day, but I'm just no good at long-term relationships...

GOC Gets An Owie In His Head!

I Hope He Doesn't Get A Swelled Head Over This...

If you haven't heard, everybody's favorite Grouchy Old Cripple went skiiing, and severely bumped his haid out on the ski slopes. The GOC's got big ol' set of brass balls, 'cause how often do you meet a paraplegic that willingly straps on skis and throwns himself down a snowy mountainside?

Alas, Denny was done a dirty deed by a dreadful douchebag, who plowed into him and sent the GOC to the ER, PDQ. It looks like the GOC will be AOK, but send him some X's and O's via the USPS, PDQ!

We used to have an award in my Scout troop called the "WOFTT!" (pronounced "woofed") award. It stood for "Watch Out For That Tree!", and was given out periodically to Scouts who managed to apply an imbedded layer of cellulose fibers to their epidermis via a forceful application of face to tree bark. The first recipient was running headlong through the woods at an orienteering meet, and broke his glasses, nose and his compass, all in one whack.

In Denny's case, he's now the recipient of the "WOFTOOCSD!" award, or "Watch Out For That Out Of Control Skiing Douchebag!"

There was a song to acommpany the award, a parody of the Beatles 'Blackbird', one of GOC's signature tunes at blogmeets. On advice of counsel, I'll hold off on posting that until Denny's back home and can laugh without requiring a dose of morphine.

Reach Out And Tongue Someone

Gene Simmons Is Jealous Of That Tongue...

Ya know, if it wasn't for the huge fangs, claws and the overwhelming salmon breath, bears might just replace toy poodles as the preferred pet of spinster women...

VelociPolka!!

Still More Phriday Photoshop Phoolishness

Jawja's premier punk polka band Slutrag & The SchiesseKopfs weren't too sure where their new baton twirler came from, but they all agreed... he could sure rock a dirndl!

They were somewhat less enthused when he hauled out Girth Vader to play the glockenspiel...



(Click To Embigginate!)

Fractal Cauliflower?

This Is *NOT* A Photoshop!

OK, this is kind of scary...

If you read that book 'Da Vinci Code' by Dan Brown, you might remember the sequence where the protagonist was listing some natural occurrences of the Fibonacci Numbers to an audience. Or maybe that scene was only in the movie. Whatever...

Apparently nature isn't satisfied with the Golden Ratio, and has moved on to complex recursive equations, in this case, what looks like the Julia Set.

Behold! The Fractal Cauliflower (Brassica Oleracea)!






Pretty cool...

OTOH, if I go out in the backyard and notice the St. Augustine grass attempting to solve the Riemann Hypothesis, I'm gonna go get some serious herbicide and remind the grass that it's just a vegetable...

Bits & Pieces

This Really Should All Be On Twitter...

Yesterday's Austin trek went well. Lunched at Threadgill's, and had a piece of pumpkin pie to make up for the piece I skipped at Xmas. I probably enjoyed that slice of pie more than any other in my life. OTOH, about an hour later the sugar rush was most unpleasant.

Adding to the "Keep Austin Weird" theme, after driving from Houston to get there, I sit down to the table at lunch, and the guy speaking at the conference (also from Houston) sits down at the table right next to me. How weird is that?

There's a women's sporting apparel store on Lamar called Title Nine. I thought that was pretty clever...

Got to see the niece & nephew afterwards. They've learned that an uncle is a perfectly acceptable substitute for a jungle gym.

Despite stopping at a 7-11 twice, I skipped the Slurpee this trip. One didn't have the sugar-free version, and the other that did had it in a nasty flavor. Oh, well. A Super Big Gulp of Diet Coke is almost as good...

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I forgot to mention anything about New Years... I went up to my buddy Cisco Kid's place, and doused myself in beer and shrimp gumbo. I followed through with my plan to do the TimTam Slam, and everyone agreed it was pretty damned tasty, if still a bit shy of "orgasmic".

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Despite January being a three-paycheck month, I'm on the ragged edge of poverty until Friday. Xmas and assorted adventures cost a lot more than I expected. Still, barring any automotive mishaps, I should be able to bank enough $$$ for a couple of blogmeets this year.

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Dad went in for an MRI Monday. After the Transient Global Amnesia episode a while back, we're packing him off to the doctor on a regular basis, even if it might be just a "Senior Moment". This latest event might be nothing, but if we can get him trained right, he won't fight us so much when things really do go pear-shaped.

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Y'all post some more hi-res pics online! I need some Photoshop Phodder! Become an enabler and feed my nasty habit!

The Amazing Technicolor Dream Pill

Nocturnal Weirdness In Generic Capsules

Quite some time ago, I blogged about going on the happy pills. In 5 years of blogging, I can't think of too many things I've written that made me hesitate to push the 'Publish Post' button more than that tale.

Even with the flood of encouraging comments and emails (Muchas Gracias, btw...) it's still a troublesome thing to have out there for all to see. It feels somewhat akin to being one of those poor kids forced to wear a hockey helmet because they can't keep from running headlong into trees. For better or worse, there's no hiding that your brain is wired a bit differently, and it takes pharmaceuticals to keep from entering the Endless Spiral of Doom.

It's now 9 months down the road since I popped Prozac Pill #1, and while I'm not ready to announce that it's a Brand New Shiny Me, there have been some unexpected developments.

I'm still a moody curmudgeon, and quite content with my own company. That probably won't change, I'm guessing.

There's this weight loss program that came out of nowhere. It'll be 4 months on Saturday, and I'm still on it. That's a good thing.

Work is getting extremely tedious. I'm ready to move on to something else in The Man's Woman's organization. 5 years is just too long with the same job title.

I'm having trouble watching movies or TV shows on DVD all the way through. In a theater, I can sit through it with no problem, but at the house, I'm only good for 30-45 minutes before I need to go read a book or websurf or just get up and move.

I had the "buzz" for a week or so in the beginning, but that was really the extent of any physical reaction. No headaches, nausea, jitters, or urges to jump off tall buildings. There's supposed to be a decrease in libido, but the local wimmenfolks have swapped sundresses and strappy sandals for tight jeans & tighter sweaters and tall leather boots, and they look just as tasty as ever.

I sometimes have trouble getting to sleep, but there's a definite correlation between my insomnia, and my consumption of caffeinated drinks. I used to be able to chug a Jolt Cola and go right to sleep. I fear those days are past, and it's probably not due to the Prozac.

The one major change I've noticed makes its appearance in the wee hours of the morning. In the past few months, I've had extremely vivid, detailed dreams almost every night.

Let me rephrase that... Not just vivid dreams, but hi-def Blu-Ray 1080p type dreams. Dreams that continue for much longer than they used to. Dreams where you aren't just a passive observer, but an active participant. Ever hear of lucid dreaming? It doesn't occur every night, or even every week, but there's been quite a few times recently that while asleep, I've realized I was dreaming, and made conscious decisions within the dream.

The dreams are sticking around longer, too. Normally they've faded from memory by the time I'm showered and heading off to work. Not recently. Also, I'm remembering past dreams and recurring themes with more clarity.

If you Google 'prozac side effects', you won't see much of a mention on the major sites. If, however, you Google 'prozac dreams', you'll hit pages and pages of stuff.

Is it the Prozac? I dunno. I've heard that various chemicals associated with recreational pharmaceutical use can store themselves in your adipose tissue, and prolonged dieting shakes them loose to run loose in your system once again. Still, it's been a long, long time since I last ingested any.

I don't see any reason to go running to the doctor about this. In truth, it's an unexpected benefit. If these dreams were unpleasant or causing me to lose sleep, that would be one thing. As it stands, I'm kind of enjoying it.

Oh, yeah... one more thing. I've long held the delusion that dreaming is our minds hanging ten on the waves of the Collective Unconscious Nebula. Some of y'all turn up in Dreamland from time to time. I'm going to play with this lucid dreaming idea, and make an effort to say a particular phrase if I see anyone I recognize. Should you wake up with a memory of me telling you something, let me know, will ya?

Haute Cuisine?

Je vous tuerai pour votre bifteck et pommes frites!

Many years ago I read a quote regarding innovative chefs that's been stuck in my noodle ever since.

Some foodie, and I forget who, said "Too many chefs stuff a banana up a duck and declare themselves a genius."

With that quote in mind, I bring you my buddy Festus in the latest PhotoShop buphoonery...

Chef de Cuisine Phaesteuse demonstrates the proper method of fruit insertion for canard avec banane à la presse.

Lubricate the duck with copious amounts of lard prior to stuffing, and lubricate the chef with a similar amount of bourbon.

Bon Appetit!


(Image de clic à agrandir!)

OM NOM NOM NOM NOM!!

Kid:1 Sammich:0

My adorable niece Gracie tries her first FlufferNutter sammich.

I think she likes it...

Tree Rockets?

American Ingenuity At Work!

OMG! This video is absolutely full of WIN!

Elisson! Eric! Yabu! Dax! We can improve on this!

Eric won't have to go searching for rockets out in the trees! We'll just launch the trees on the rocket!

Vikings In Florida???

Still More PhotoShop Phooling Around

So, Boudicca posts a review of the past decade, and includes a photo of herself wielding a rake. This one, to be exact:


(Click to embiggify!)

Well, naturally I just had to play around with it!

See, Bou's able to kick my ass up between my earlobes, due to her expertise in the chop-socky arts. It just didn't seem right for her to be wielding a rake and wearing rubber boots.

So, the idea was spawned... Bou the Warrior Princess! However, I really really hated that Xena TV show. Well, except that time Gabrielle got wet & nekkid. But I digress...

Anyway, a slight modification, and we have Boudicca, the Sunshine State Viking!


(Click to embiggify!)

Yeah, I know, the shadow's not quite right. Will I ever fix that?
Only The Shadow knows...

Taking matters to the logical extreme, here we have Boudicca the Valkyrie guarding the entrance to Valhalla!


(Click to embiggify!)

That makes appearance #3 for the swan wings. Hey, waste not, want not!

Oh, for the historical nitpickers... Yes, Boudicca was a Celt from around 60 AD, and Vikings didn't show up until 800 years later. Consider this Spike TV, not the History Channel...

Forecast: Actual Written Content

Just Not Anytime Soon...

I know, I'm spending a lot of time jacking around with photo manipulation...

I'll get back to the usual array of dick & fart jokes and tales of wayward youth before too long. It's just that every time I get ready to write something, one of y'all posts a picture on your blog that I can't resist playing around with!

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Can't wait to get home tonight. There should be a huge crockpot full of homemade vegetable beef soup just below the boiling point, stoked with a double fistful of fresh cracked pepper to add some tingle.

If the cats have knocked the lid off and sampled any, we'll be having kitty tempura tomorrow night...


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Santa brought me a bunch of nice things, but my digital camera's dead as fried chicken. I'll borrow a camera and show y'all my nifty new goodies.


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It's as cold as a welldigger's ass outside, and the snow is forecast for tomorrow night. I might actually have to go buy a heavier coat if this foolishness keeps up.

How's that GlowBull Wormening working out for y'all??

Midnight Movies

"Hey! Where All De White Wimmen At?"

Howdy, all you rustlers, cutthroats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperadoes, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, half-wits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass kickers, shit kickers and Methodists!

Instead of spending your Saturday night sitting at home, join me and the Cisco Kid at the River Oaks Theater for a midnight showing of 'Blazing Saddles'!

See you there!