Local Humor

Fun Is Where You Find It!

Sent the following graphic to a local business that has some of its shrubbery overgrowing into the intersection and blocking the view of oncoming traffic.



Hopefully they'll take the hint and treat the bush to a Brazilian wax job or a big jug of defoliant.


Earlier this morning I had the overwhelming pleasure of trying to find an open parking spot in the Central Business District downtown.

The Man has spent umpteen thousand dollars on these "smart" parking meters, but the ones anywhere near you want to park are usually out of order. Rather than allow you a day or two of free parking while they repair it, the greed-crazed shysters & tire-booting fascists employees of the Parking Management office usually hang a big green bag on the meter, post a "Park Here & We'll Tow Your Ass" sign for a few weeks and reap the higher rewards from tow fees.

I finally found an open spot two blocks from my destination, and shelled out the $5 tariff. Came back to find some assmunching douche had parked his Mercedes so close behind my pickup, his bumper was tucked underneath my tailgate.

I gotta wonder sometimes... When you buy a Mercedes, do you automatically receive an overweening sense of entitlement along with the car? When you take it in for service, does the dealership hook you up to an ego-inflation machine permanently set to "Insufferable Prick"?

Grrrr... Usually my wrath is reserved for the Mercedes SL drivers that treat Memorial Drive as their personal Nürburgring. Today I added the C-class sedans to that list.

The only bright spot came from the ticket the Mercedes driver had received for parking and not paying the meter. Naturally, I HAD to add insult to injury, so I got out my handy little notepad and tucked the following missive under the ticket envelope:

"Congratuations! Not only are you a cheap bastard that didn't pay to park, you park like a complete douchebag. Enjoy that ticket, dickhead!"

The driver parked in front of me got into his car and drove off as I was writing the note, so I didn't get to play my favorite game. You know, the one called "Which One Is Greater? My engine horsepower, or the friction coefficient of your tires on the pavement??

Drat! I really wanted to play that game...

To Friend, Or Not To Friend?

That Is The Question...

So, I got this Facebook friend request from someone I vaguely remember from high school. No telling how old the picture on the profile might be, so I clicked on their Facebook site to read their info.

Not much there, and only four friends listed. I'm a sucker for hard-luck cases, and usually I'd just friend the person and be done with it.

But then I saw this South Park episode...

So, now I might run the risk of having all MY friends dump me, or have this person glom onto me as their lifelong bestest buddy.

The choice seems clear. Just continue to ignore the request for another week...

The Reservation Is Made!

Reservations? Oh, I've Got Plenty!!

OK, got my room reservations for the Hysterics At Eric's coming up in November.

The red Ford willin' & the creek don't rise, I'll be there in time for the rocketry, booze-fueled shenanigans, and perhaps the resurrection of the punctured sheep.

Doin' it a bit smarter this time around. Making an overnight stop in Birmingham, AL to see a friend, and also booked an extra night in SWG-ville so I can get some decent rest before beginning the debauchery.

Hope to see y'all there! If you're on the way there or back, drop me a line. I'll need to stop several times to take a break. Love to see some lurkers along the way!

Not Quite The Jabberwocky

More Silly Poetry From El Capitan

Not Quite The Jabberwocky: A Poem
Mostly by Lewis Carroll,
With tweaks by El Capitan


’Twas Saturday, and the filthy sqwerlz
Did poop and fornicate on the roof;
All buzzy were summer cicadas,
And the hillbilly neighbors still uncouth.

“Beware the Wasps, El Capitan!
The butts that sting, the wings like swords!
Beware the angry yellowjackets, and shun
The paper wasps and hornet hordes!”

He took his Can of Raid in hand:
The awful wasps had spread too far--
So rested he by the live oak tree,
And smoked a big cigar.

And as in smoky thought he stood,
The angry wasps, with ass-spikes of flame,
Came speeding through the shady wood,
And buzz-shrieked as they came!

One, two! One, two! and through and through
The Raid Wasp Spray went splisher-splatz!
He left 'em dead, and with their nest
He fed the many tree-rats.

“And hast thou slain the angry wasps?
Have a beer, El Capitan!
O happy day! Wooohoo! Hooray!”
We chortled in our joy.

’Twas Saturday, and the filthy sqwerlz
Did poop and fornicate on the roof;
All buzzy were summer cicadas,
And the hillbilly neighbors still uncouth.

Mmmm! Tasty Cigars!

Friday Fun In Downtown Houston!!

In the quest to do something with my lunch hour other than eat, I wandered over to McCoy's Cigars on Main St. to see if they had anything interesting in the humidor.

Yup, they sure did!

Found a couple of boxes of these yummy sticks on the shelf:



They only had the #10 and the Lancero in stock, both smaller cigars than I prefer, but an Opus X is an Opus X!

Time to find out if there's any substance behind the hype...

I'll let you know!

It Sounded Like A Good Idea...

Oh, The Places You'll Go!

Ever catch yourself browsing through eBay Motors looking for an armored car?

No?

Oh.

OK. Just checking. Never mind. Go on about your business...

Lost Books Of My Youth?

Scrambled Brain Super!

I'm not sure I remember this particular Dr. Seuss book...

The Latest & Greatest

Odds & Ends From Sweat City

Holy shit! Is it Tuesday already?

I was Four Seasons hotel downtown all day yesterday. If you've got to be stuck in a hotel conference room for 8 hours, make sure it's one that's plush! Got to be one of the nicest places I've ever dropped a deuce, that's for sure...

Got force-fed the latest and greatest on my particular segment of employment law. Felt pretty good knowing most of the room were practicing attorneys, but didn't have the depth and breadth of experience that working for The Man has provided. Makes me seriously consider farming myself out as a consultant and earning a few shekels on the side, at least enough to fund an LLD at some local ambulance-chaser academy.

Well, something to think about, anyway.

In other news, got the results from the latest bloodwork at the doctor's office. here's the rundown:

Fasting Glucose - 89 (normal = 65-99)
A1C - 5.5 (OK = <5.7)
Cholesterol - 130 (normal = 125-200)
HDL - 39 (normal = >/=40)
LDL - 72 (normal = <130)

Everything else is in the normal range, so aside from needing to kick up the HDL level just a touch, I'm looking pretty damn good, at least on paper. Looking good in my underwear? Well, I'm not quite there yet...

So, LOLA's a PITA bitch, but she does the job.

Now, it's time for a drink. Not to worry, it's just medication! One or two drinks a day have been shown to increase HDL levels! Wooohoooo!! More booze for me!!!

Project LOLA: Day 365

Eating Healthy, Eight Days A Week

Well, here it is. Day 365.

One year ago today I began Project LOLA. For those of you just arriving, LOLA stands for Long Overdue Lifestyle Adjustment. I've quit eating junk food, fast food, sweets, chips, pizza, and basically any foodstuff that comes out of a paper bag, a drive-thru window or a vending machine. I eat a $h!tload of vegetation, and try to keep fats & carbs as low as possible.

So far, I'd have to say it's been a huge success. I've averaged between 10-12 lbs lost per month EVERY month, and somehow managed to keep from going on a chilidog or ice cream binge during that time.

Oh, I've stepped off the narrow path a few times, to be sure. Five weeks into LOLA, I posted a long list of foods that I'd quit eating, and did a followup around the 6 Month mark.

At the One Year anniversary, I have to report that a few more of the "forbidden" foods have gone down my pie-hole, but it hasn't become a habit. I've had a couple of cheeseburgers, two McMuffins, a couple of bratwursts, half a dozen servings of pasta, had a few steamed new potatoes, and even had 320 calories worth of ice cream. Oh, and beer. Probably a total of 3 6-packs over the course of a year, and maybe half a bottle of bourbon.

That stuff won't kill me, it'll just slow down my progress a bit. I know, you can pretty much rationalize anything, but LOLA isn't about permanent deprivation, it's about training myself to eat healthier and in more reasonable portions. Judging by my waistline, I'm slowly learning that lesson.

I've got a long way to go yet. I still look like a big fat guy, and I still feel like it most of the time. OTOH, my health has improved immensely, and my doctor is quite pleased with the progress.

I went out with the Cisco Kid this afternoon for a big plate of Mexican food. First enchiladas I've had in over a year! Call it a reward for services rendered...

So, the Project continues. I'll keep you posted, and as always, thanks to everyone for your continued support! I couldn't do it without y'all cheering me on!

Smoochas Gracias, amigos!

Out & About

It Keeps You Runnin'! Yeah, It Keeps You Runnin'!

Ooops. Sorry about the Doobie Brothers lyric there. Showin' my age again.

Here's a map of just a few of The Man's facilities. I'm working my way through most of them before the end of the year.



That map's 35 miles top to bottom and L to R. Somewhere around 1200 square miles, or about the size of Rhode Island.

Yup, they do things big in Texas...

A Lull In The Storm

Wanted: A 32 Hour Day!

Wow. First time in a while I've had a slow afternoon. It's been a madhouse around here lately.

With an ongoing hiring freeze, we're all getting used to doing more with less. Additionally, there's the usual political shenanigans that keep adding fuel to the fire, and I'm busier than an obsessive-compulsive squirrel in a warehouse full of walnuts.

For those of you who still pop in here from time to time, I'm aware that my usual wit and wisdom (Heh. As if...) seems in short supply. I haven't done any Photoshop Phunnies in a long while, and any sort of writing has been mostly in fits and spurts. I really miss the Fiction Friday diversions. Ah, well. One of these days, I'll find the time...

I haven't gone snooping in the Sitemeter logs up & down my blogroll, but I've read here & there that bloggers are seeing less traffic these days. I'd like to blame Facebook, but an accusing finger pointed at FB would have the other three fingers pointed back at me! I'm on there 2-3 times a day, though thankfully not wasting time playing Mafia Wars or Farmville.

I sure hope this blog thing doesn't die off. There's times I feel that it's been one of the strongest links connecting me with sanity.

There's a big anniversary coming up on Saturday. I'll do my best to give it a good writeup, assuming life doesn't intrude.

Y'all hang loose, and thanks for dropping by!

Attack Of The Chryslerati

Merda Cassa Italiana Falsa!!

I get home last night, and there's a Maserati parked next door.

I was about to get nine kinds of pissed off... The neighbors already park wherever they feel like, out in the middle of the cul de sac on the grass, in the middle of the road, completely blocking it, on the yard, etc.

It's aggravating enough to deal with the fleet of junkers parked everywhere, but having a Maserati in on the action? Grrrr...

Turns out the car was an inheritance from a dead relative. It's been parked in a garage for 10 years or thereabouts. And it's not really a Maserati. Not entirely.

It's a Chrysler TC. Body by Maserati, but the guts are all Chrysler K car.

So, it looks nice, but it'll be blowing smoke before too long...

Bundles Of Joy!

♫ ...Smoke Gets In Your Eyes... ♫

Had an interesting weekend after I got back from my sister's place.

First score was a big bundle of cigars. I'd stumbled across the Perdomo Fresco cigar a few weeks ago, and thought it was a pretty tasty stick. For under $2 apiece, though, they got a lot tastier. $47 buys you 25 at Serious Cigars!



There's another stick at Serious Cigars that's caught my fancy... At $28 each, though? I dunno. On the gripping hand, however, it's a monster of a stick. Big ol' 66 ring gauge (over an inch wide!) and EIGHTEEN inches long! That'll keep you busy all evening! Maybe I'll get one for Xmas!!



Next surprise was a huge box of reading fodder from Half Price Books. I used to play the board game BattleTech way back when, and had a pretty good collection of the novel tie-ins. I hadn't read most of these, and if they suck? Well, at $5 for the entire bundle, they can be turned into cat box filler without any regret!

When Your Reach Exceeds Your Grasp

Today, I Am Not Your Huckleberry...

There's a nice rig for sale over at Collector's Firearms.

It's a repro of the Doc Holliday birdshead-grip .45 (with matching dagger) used by Val Kilmer in 'Tombstone'. It's a shoulder rig instead of a crossdraw, but that's a minor quibble.

Despite some intense yearning, for the 2nd weekend in a row I did *NOT* put a downpayment on it. It looks like my trip out East in November is going to be my LOLA dividend for the Xmas season.

WANTWANTWANT!!!

Will someone buy it for me? You're a daisy if you do!

Well, Isn't That Special!!

Cheaper Than A Raise, Anyway...

You gotta love the efficiency of The Man!

Just got a certificate thanking me for 5 years of meritorious service.

Didn't get it until after 6 years and one month, though...

Back Home Again

Is "NumbButt" Covered Under Blue Cross?

There & back again in under 11 hours.

Niece & nephew are still cute, central Texas is still large, and I'm tired.

Nap time. See y'all later...

Not Gonna Catch The Midnight Rider

The Things I Volunteer For...

OK, so it's more like the 3 a.m. driver.

My nephew Sammy's kindergarten class is having a Grandparent's breakfast tomorrow morning at 7 a.m., and naturally my parents *have* to attend.

Of course, they couldn't leave Houston this afternoon and spend the night. Oh, no. Dad has to attend one of his numerous Civic Association meetings until after 10 p.m.

His cunning plan was to get up at 2:30, get Mom up at 2:55, drag her to the car, then leave at 3, and drive to San Marcos.

This is the same Dad who can sit down on the couch for a football game, watch the kickoff, and be sound asleep before the receiving team completes its first set of downs.

I heard of this scheme on Tuesday, and spent the next 48 hours fretting over the almost certain call Friday morning from the State Troopers about a rollover accident somewhere between here & there.

So, I put in for tomorrow off, and I'll be driving them myself.

I better go get some sleep myself. I'm no spring chicken, either.

Ah, well. At least I'll get a Slurpee from the San Marcos 7-11 and a free lunch out of the deal...

The Plane Truth

Do They Make Ass Shoehorns? AssHorns?

Does anyone know where one might find a coach-class airplane seat, or a reasonable facsimile, outside of an actual airplane?

I've promised a buddy of mine that I'll pay him a visit down in an unnamed banana republic once I've shrunk my capacious posterior down to a size that can travel on a single airline ticket.

Barring an actual seat, is there a guide to the relative seat sizes of various airlines? I could gin up a test seat if I had that.

Anyway, any info would be appreciated!

Take The Money And Run

Gold Is Where You Find It...

Y'all remember that case of the stolen gold bar from a few weeks ago?

Back in August, a couple of thieves removed a 4.5 pound gold bar worth half a million bucks from the Mel Fisher Maritime Museum in Key West, Florida.

The story jogged my memory, and sent me on a hunt for a 32 year old snapshot.

Found it!



That's me back in 1975 or 1976, at a museum in the Florida Keys. It may have been an early version of the Mel Fisher museum, but it was located on a sailing ship, and some Googling didn't locate anything of that type still existing today.

The photo quality isn't great, (probably taken with Mom's Vivitar pocket camera using 110 cartridge film...) but you can see the gold bar in one hand, and the long gold chain around my neck. As I recall, the value of the bar was $40,000, and the chain was around $250,000. That's in 1976 dollars, mind you. Melted down, it would bring a lot less since you'd be obliterating any historical value.

The exhibits were in the hold of the ship, and it was too dark to get a good picture. I'm amazed that they let us take them up on deck to get the photo. Nowadays, insurance companies would shit out rabid kittens just at the thought of that happening.

For good reason, too. Even at that tender age, the thought crossed my mind to take a running dive off the side of the ship and swim to the Bahamas...

Checking In

Hey, It's A Long Weekend. I'm Being Lazy!

No, I'm not dead. Nor have I given up on the blog.

Recent News:

Friday was Day 350 of Project LOLA. Things are still going well. Good news at the Doc's office. He's ratcheting down my BP meds, and making some other Rx tweaks since I've made significant progress on the weight loss. I was getting tired of the world spinning under my feet every time I stood up, and with my BP at 120/82, I don't need the dosage that would work for an elephant.


Despite a comfy rubber grip, shooting 100 rounds of 158 grain .357 rounds through a 3" barreled revolver will make your hand tingle just a bit. Also, .22 Magnum makes a nice little *pop*, but it's a bit spendy for casual plinking. Fortunately, there's a .22LR cylinder that works just as well in the Single Six.


I cannot recommend seeing 'The American'. It's a pretty film, but the numerous gun flaws will just piss off the shooters in the audience. Seriously, you're going to make an assassination weapon out of a Ruger Mini-14? Please...


Will the following people please leave my planet?
1) Slobs that leave dirty diapers on the pavement next to your car. Look, I realize that babies are little poop-geysers, but take that stinky shit with you!!

2) Assholes that bring toddlers to a late-night showing of an R-rated movie. Get a babysitter, or STAY THE FUCK HOME!!!

3) Douchebags that think that city streets are your personal NASCAR track. It's not a competition, Sparky. Passing me on the right and blocking me from my exit is a good way to get 5400 pounds of 4x4 on top of your fartcan-equipped riceburner.

4) Shitheads that tailgate. I drive the speed limit 'cause I like cheap insurance rates and don't like attracting the attention of Johnny Law. Want to find out what your airbag tastes like? Keep it up, dickhead...


More tomorrow. Maybe.

I Can Haz Otterz?

They're Aquatic Ferrets, Sorta...

OK, they sound like a room full of Chihuahuas attacking rubber squeeky toys, but they look like a lot of fun!

Fueling The Fire

Glucose Goes Gonzo!

There's a really good post on nutrition over at Atomic Nerds.

If you're wondering how & why you process nutrients, it's all spelled out in a clear & concise manner.

Two thumbs up! Go check it out!