Baboon Pirates

Scribbles and Scrawls from an unrepentant swashbuckling primate.

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Location: Texas, United States

Monday, March 31, 2008

A Kiss Is Just A Kiss...

The Fundamental Things Apply, As Calories Go By!

Those Hershey's Chocolate makers are some serious bastards.

Look, it's no secret I need to cut out the carbs, sugars, etc. For the most part, I can steer clear of the candy bars.

But not the Kisses...

Those evil sonsabitches at the Hershey plant keep putting out these varieties of Kisses that are soooo tempting...

You caught me with the Cherry Cordial-filled Kisses. I'll 'fess up to that one. Couldn't resist buying a bag and devouring them in short order.

Other flavors, I could maintain my dignity. The Candy Cane Mint. The Truffle Mint. I stood firm and said "No! Nyet! Nein! Non! Chingate!" Even the Caramel-filled Kisses I shied away from.

But you had to do it, didn't you? You just had to wave under my nose the one thing I am powerless to resist.

Coconut Cream Kisses

I went through that bag like Panzers went through Poland.

Hershey... You evil bastards...

Friday, March 28, 2008

Tag, I'm Still It.

Friday Afternoon Low-Impact Blogging Redux!

1) I used to be able to visit Mom and raid her used paperback collection for several dozen books. She's as voracious a reader as I am, and usually piles up 6-8 paper grocery sacks of books before she'll recycle them at the 3-for-1 used bookstore.

Alas, Mom's taste in reading material has changed. Now, it's mostly sub-par detective or spy fiction, with the remainder consisting of "women's fiction" AKA touchy-feely emo garbage. Hell, there was even an Oprah Book Club selection in there. I nearly puked in horror.

The last time I raided her stash, I went through 5 bags and only found 4 books I was interested in, and of those, two I'm kinda so-so on, and the other two are so bad, I got them specifically to make fun of in a future blogpost.

2) I was given an inflatable party sheep once. It was kidnapped and nearly raped by a co-worker. I say "nearly raped", because apparently there's all sorts of technique and nuance that has to come into play to successfully mate with an inflatable sheep, or so I am told. I'm guessing from the coworker's story that if erectile dysfunction is quite embarrassing with a human female, ED with a PVC sheep is a soul-crushing experience.

There was only one orifice in the sheep, leading us to believe it was a male sheep doing a tuck job. It was named "Laaaaaambert", and eventually expired due to peritonitis caused by a broom handle. (I've blogged about this long ago, do a search for "sheep" and "broomstick" for the whole sordid tale)

3) I've learned that eating 3 day old Kentucky Fried Chicken cole slaw isn't a good idea. It's already starting to ferment by day three, and eating it just starts an internal kimchee factory in your colon. It will, in fact, cause you a day later to shuffle to the can remarkably like how Chaplin's 'Little Tramp' character walked in order to maintain pressure on your sphincter and avoid a blowout. I won't even get into the olfactory joy caused by that episode...

4) Apparently little green tree frogs like to hang on the inside of glass patio doors. When some unsuspecting human opens said door to exit, the little green tree frog gets startled and leaps in a random direction. When that random direction bisects the path of travel of some unsuspecting human, the frog might just land on the unsuspecting human's neck and crawl down his collar. This causes unsuspecting human to freak out, assuming a cockroach or other unspeakable nasty has invaded his garments.

So, some morning when the little green tree frogs are active, park by the house and watch the show. You just might see a big fat man leap 3 feet in the air, tearing off his shirt and undershirt before he hits the ground.

5) It's been almost exactly a month since I've had a drink. 'Twas a double Johnny Walker Black at Pappas Seafood House following a harrowing offsite meeting Feb. 29th. I can still taste it...

I'm not sure why I'm so disenchanted about drinking. Hell, I've got two or three dozen bottles of various liquors scattered throughout the house. I'm sort of tempted to toss all the foo-foo liqueurs and the stuff I'll never drink, and just keep on hand in case someone wants something other than bourbon, scotch, rum or gin. To be honest, my rum phase is passing. I used to consume a case of Captain Morgan Private Stock in a year, easily. I've been working on the current bottle for 4 years now.

6) The days of buying Beaujolais by the case are also in the past. For one, I'm not back to the income level I had when I started down the road to Wine Snobbery. These days, I just can't afford anything more pricey than White Zinfandel, and as we all know, Friends Don't Let Friends Drink White Zin!

Also, I'm down to about 3 wines I still enjoy enough to go out and buy. This is not to say if you drop a glass of Penfolds Grange or some 98-octane California Cab in front of me I won't enjoy the heck out of it!

My current tipples, when I'm tippling:

Pacific Rim Dry Riesling - From Pacific Rim Winery, a spinoff of Bonny Doon Vineyards, this dry Riesling goes with just about anything. It's not too pricy, and so tasty you'll guzzle a bottle if you don't watch yourself! About $10/bottle

Italian Barbera or Barolo - Brunellos and Super Tuscans tend to empty your wallet. I dearly love a nice Amarone, but they're pricy too. Chiantis are either really good (and $$$$) or really bad. For a solid Dago Red, try a $10-$15 Barbera or a Barolo. Goes with pasta, prime rib, and poached penguin.

Ravenswood Cabernet Sauvignon - If you're going to drink a red, don't fuck around. Go for a nice big cab, and ignore that foo-foo merlot and Peeno Nwah. This'll put hair on your chest for about $14 a bottle.

7) We all ought to be sitting on a couch with a refreshing beverage watching Rocky & Bullwinkle cartoons right now.

If you wanted to be tagged, consider it done. Taggus Ominous Dominus. Yea, verily, thou art tagged!

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Do Not Park Near My Sister...

Her Career In Demolition Derbies Continues Unabated...

I happened to catch a glimpse of my Dad's car recently, and was shocked to notice a huge gouge in the front passenger-side fender. It starts just abaft the headlight socket, and continues about a handspan into the passenger door.

Now, having caught a ride from Dad's Taxi Service twice recently going to drop off and pick up my truck at the mechanic's, I've noticed his driving skills have noticeably deteriorated since the last time I rode with him. He's not paying enough attention to the cars in front of him, and occasionally wanders out of the lane he's in. All things considered, he's doing OK for a 72 year old, but he needs to learn his days of looking out at the scenery are over!

So, when I saw this huge gouge, I immediately assumed that Dad had gotten careless and sideswiped something, or scraped along a parking garage wall.

I was wrong. Dad was blameless. Turns out that my sister failed to check her mirrors before exiting her garage, and plowed into Dad's Taurus in her rush to get to work Friday morning.

I wouldn't be so bent out of shape over this, except this is the second time she's done this to Dad's car, in the exact same location. Last time was just like this one, just hop in the car, start the engine, back up until you hear a crunch...

My sister is death on cars. Of course, I'm still bitter after she ran my Ford Ranchero under a parked semi and totalled it. And burned up the AMC wagon. Almost forgot about that one...

I now learn that there was no insurance on her vehicle, either. So, this probably comes out of Dad's pocket, 'cause my sister and her husband barely have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of after buying too much house and hatching two yard-apes in quick succession.

Amazing how your little sister can still annoy the hell out of you, even when you're both all grown up...

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Delayed Cat Experiments

A Brief Moratorium On Fun Feline Frolics

OK, I know I mentioned including a rodent in the cat experiment last week, but my life's already being made miserable by a Crazy Old Cat Lady in the neighborhood, and I don't need any more drama.

Making a short story longer, this Crazy Old Cat Lady roams the neighborhood looking for cat owners (even going so far as to peek in windows at cats perched on windowsills), and then demanding entry to the domicile in order to "inspect their living conditions".

Her bona fides are that she used to volunteer for a local vet, and therefore is qualified to judge your fitness to share living quarters with felines. Hmmmm... seems a lot like Hildebeest "Sniper-bait" Clinton in that regard...

Refusal to admit Crazy Old Cat Lady to poke about your house and fondle your cats leads to a complaint of animal abuse filed against you with the local SPCA by the aforementioned Crazy Old Cat Lady. In discussion with neighbors who've also dealt with Crazy Old Cat Lady, it seems that the SPCA might be aware this is a completely deranged individual, but with the money coming in from that Animal Planet show 'Animal Cops', they've got time and funding to dick around with bogus leads.

I'm not worried about the SPCA. I've got two plump flea-free cats that are spoiled rotten. OK, Betsy Cat would benefit from a thorough shampooing, and Pookie Cat could stand to lose a few pounds. She's almost at the stage where she can buff the floor just by walking around, but most of that is a belly-pooch caused by having kittens sometime before she joined the household. Basically, the Crazy Old Cat Lady and the SPCA can go f#ck themselves.

I'm going to start carrying a shovel in the bed of the truck. The next time I see a dead cat on the road, I'm going to relocate it to the Crazy Old Cat Lady's street, and set up this rig:

Maybe she'll have a stroke and crawl back to her house to die, and her cats can eat on her for a week or so. I'm such a fan of poetic justice...

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Caption This Photo!

Part Of The Rachel Lucas "Punch A Hippie In the Nuts" Initiative!

Time for some creativity, dear readers!

Slap a caption on this gaggle of Code Pinko protestors!

Here's a blank template should you wish to take it back to your hole in the web and decorate. Otherwise, just leave a comment with your best caption in the comments below!

No prizes this time, just bragging rights!

Here's mine:

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Finally! The Perfect Chair Seat!

I'm Guessing It Was A Guy That Built This...

At long last, a non-cushioned chair seat that seems built for comfort!

Friday, March 21, 2008

Tag, I'm It.

Friday Afternoon Low-Impact Blogging!

I get tagged for memes about as often as Jeremiah Wright invites some ofays over for milk & cookies....

Anyway, Terri of Terri's Weird & Wacked Out Life! tagged me with the "7 random things about me" game. I s'pose the "100 things about me" list in the sidebar just wasn't enough... ;-)

1) I'm really attracted to shortmediumtall LatinoIndianAsianwhiteblackVulcanTrillBajoran women with a petitelankyathleticstocky build, redbrownblondblackmulticolored hair, greenbluebrownblackhazel eyes, tinyhugeABCDcupperkybouncyfakereal breasts, slimwideroundedbonybulgytoned hips, longshortskinnymuscularmeaty legs, a firmsmooshywidethinperky butt, and a nice smile. A light scattering of face & chest freckles a plus, shoulder freckles on top of toned deltoids a doubleplus realgood. What can I say? I know what I like...

2) I've been out of school for 13 years now, and I still have the "woke up late and missed the final exam" or the "can't find the correct classroom" dream. I wander around campuses I don't recognize, but are so detailed I feel I should know them.

3) I put cans of chunk pineapple (in natural juice, no sugar added, please!) in the fridge so they'll be good & cold for snacking. I'll polish off a big can, then pour in a hefty snort of rum on top of the pineapple juice, and have a nice cocktail.

4) I'm looking for some time/money for voice lessons before I get any older. If you give me a large bucket, I can carry a tune, but I never learned to sightread music for voice, and I'd like to be better at singing harmony.

5) It's been so long since I've seen a dentist, I'm surprised I still have teeth left. My wisdom teeth sort of trainwrecked their way into my mouth, and I'm not about to have some dentist hack them out now. I can talk, I can chew. Good enough for guv'mint work...

6) The older I get, the less I like the Beatles. I constantly marvel that people put Rubber Soul and Revolver in the Top 10 Rock Albums list. That being said, in a perfect world, Yoko would have jumped in front of John.

7) I feel a good deal of guilt for not updating my blogroll in over a year, and for not doing a better job of commenting on other people's blogs, See, I get really bent out of shape when I write what I think is a great post, and it goes totally unremarked on. However, since I'm such a slack commenter myself, it's more than a bit hypocritical to feel that way.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

I'll See Your Duck & Raise You A Pig!

The Joys Of Outdated Tinned Meat!

On Sunday, Elisson introduced us to the pride of his pantry, Dead Duck in a Can.

As the story goes, the Can O' Mallard was a gift in the spring of 1994, and is now woefully out of date.

As it happens, I too have a Pantry Mascot from approximately the same era. I gradjitated kawledge in Spring '95, and a good friend preceded me by 3 semesters. He gifted me with this canned meat treat not long after he left school, a souvenir of his short-lived job working for an agency that received USDA food assistance.

Here it is, in all its steel-cased glory:

The rear reads - Ingredients: Pork- not less than 99%; Salt- not more than 1% (flavor).

This Pork is fully cooked in its own juices and is ready to use. Use cut-up Pork for salads, sandwiches, soups, stews, barbecue or spaghetti sauce, meat pies, casseroles, or creamed pork. Use juices and fat from canned Pork to flavor cooked vegetables, soups or gravy.

Creamed pork?? EWWWWWWWW!!!!!

The can is still not rusted or bulgy. I imagine I'll keep it until it explodes. Hell, I may put a codicil in my will that it gets opened and poured on my corpse just before the tray gets shoved in the cremation oven.

After graduation and before I landed my First Real Job, there were a few weeks here & there of extreme poverty, where ramen noodles and pinto beans were the mainstay of my diet. Even when I would have killed for a chilidog, I never could manage to crack open my can of USDA Pork With Natural Juices. It was just too weird to eat, you had to just look at it and wonder what was inside.

Reason #2 for not eating it? The Guv'mint never specified ingredients beyond the generic term "Pork". I was (and still am) terrified that I would open the can and find 29 ounces of USDA Prime Pork Snouts...

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

More Cat Experiments

Some Additional Fun Feline Frolics

This week's scheduled experiment, tying buttered toast to a cat's back for antigravity experiments, was delayed due to a critical lack of butter. I used the last stick a couple of weeks ago to make Mac & Cheese, and forgot to buy more.

I had some of that newfangled heart-healthy margarine available, but conducting high-energy feline rotation experiments using an unproven lubricant/power source might have resulted in the cat, the margarine, the toast or myself unwittingly being sent into an alternate dimension.

So, ya know how when a cat curls up to sleep, they greatly resemble a comfy pillow?

Well, if you pick up your cat, they rapidly uncurl, and don't much resemble a pillow anymore. However, you can hold 'em in your arms like you would a baby, and stuff your face in their belly fur and make motorboat noises with your lips. The resulting vibrations should, in theory, have a soothing and relaxing effect upon the feline experimental subject.

Just for the record, both cats objected to the whole procedure. In fact, they objected most strenuously, and made their displeasure quite clear. This researcher needed Bactine as a result...

Our test subjects: Betsy Cat & Pookie Cat

Next week: We place a small rodent in a large inflated Ziploc bag to test feline depth perception and spatial awareness..

I Hate Carthaginians

A Civilization Composed Completely Of @$$holes!

I know, I know... I've blogged about this before.

I love wasting time playing Civ II. It's hard to say which is more fun, building your own empire, or callously crushing the other cultures beneath your hobnailed jackboot.

When you draw Carthage as one of your opponents, though. Damn, they're annoying! Like playing against a grumpy badger that's got a diaper rash and instead of smearing on Boudreaux's Butt Paste, you applied napalm, and ground out your cigar against the badger's bunghole before sealing up the diaper.

All I did was occupy a Carthaginian city! Honest! I was exploring a mostly empty continent, and one of my explorers happened to begin his turn right after one of the Carthaginian settlers created a new town.

Hey, we heard hammering and sawing sounds. We were curious. Just wanted to use the restroom. Yeah, that's the ticket! A pee break!

Well, with no Carthaginian troops to guard the town, when my guy rolled into the gas station for a pit stop, ownership naturally transferred to me.

Man, these Carthaginians hold a grudge like nobody's business... Even though they retook the city (I wasn't all that interested in it right then) they stayed PO'd right up to the Nuclear Age. As soon as they were able, WHOOOSH! Up goes one of my towns in a mushroom cloud.

Of course you know this means war...

I built a Nuke Missile, and flung it into one of their larger metropolii. Crispy-critterized probably a couple of million residents. Had a hearty meal and slept well afterwards. I figured that would be the end of it. Oh, no.

10 turns later, they built another one, and fried the same city again. Bastards...

Enough pussyfooting around! Out comes a boomer sub, loaded with a baker's dozen of ICBM's.

I park the boomer off the coast of the main Carthaginian continent, and start pushing buttons. I decline to call on The Red Phone beforehand. This time, maybe 50 million Carthaginians bite the big one.

Think they learned their lesson? Obviously not... (See pic below)

All those skulls ringing orange towns are where I nuked them, and still they're trying to achieve MAD...

Well, it'll be a huge shiny sheet of glowing glass in a couple of turns. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated into the Pirate Collective!

Monday, March 17, 2008

Bird Brains

The Early Bird Catches The Asphalt?

I'm driving to work the other day, and while stopped at a light, I can see up ahead two birds dogfighting in and out of some shrubbery by the road.

I'm not a birdwatcher, so I couldn't say whether these were flickers, thrushes or orioles, but they were fairly aerobatic, gray colored, with broad wings with a white stripe down the center.

The light turns green, and I approach their shrub, and they're still doing Immelmans, hammerheads, etc. One seems to be dominating the other, in that it's the one doing all the chasing.

Suddenly the lead bird dives directly for the road, not three feet in front of my truck's grill. I lose sight of the pair, but looking back in the rearview mirror, I spot a spray of feathers expanding in my wake, and a grey lump in the road.

So, here's the question...

Did the lead bird sucker the other into an ill-advised maneuver, leading to it getting squooshed under my tires? Or, was it the lead bird that had a brief moment of glory facing the steel-belted radial?

Hell, maybe both birds bit the big one. I didn't see one fly off afterwards, though they were fast enough I might have missed it.

At any rate, there's fewer birds in the air than there were the day before.

Friday, March 14, 2008


Poetry For The Inner Carnivore

Tomorrow is IEATAPETA Day!

In the words of founder Meryl Yourish: "On March 15th, we make sure we eat meat, fish, or dairy products — all the stuff that pisses off the PETA vegans — in protest of PETA’s deceptive and execrable tactics."

It's not that exclusive of a holiday for me, to tell the truth. I do my best to eat a hefty part of an animal every day, and always give thanks to PETA for reminding me that animals have feelings and experience raw terror just before they're slaughtered. That touch of adrenalin in the quivering flesh gives just the right bit of spice to any meal! Just before I *OM NOM NOM NOM!!* on a delicate plate of baby calf, I always trace out PETA in the bloody juices with my fork.

I'm busy all day tomorrow eating dead animal, so here's a post in advance:


Yards of fresh bratwurst
Bacon rashers dripping grease
Who needs a colon?

A mountain of flesh
Dead bovines piled to the sky
Tunnel with my teeth

Cute little hamster
You will not escape my fork
Thou art made of meat

Very soothing when
Applied to one's appetite
Slabs of bloody steak

To eat elephant
Take small bite and then repeat
Ad infinitum

The briny oyster
Safe from my depredations
Looks just like wet snot

Bathing in bull's blood
Offering to great Mithras
And a damn fine snack

Truly exotic
Eating deep fried gorilla
Fossey spins in grave

Anally raped sheep
Are useless for fine cuisine
Spunk leaves a strong funk

Pound of cabrito
Tortillas, salsa and beer
Stuff your damn Big Mac

I don't eat haggis
Sheep stomach, liver and lungs
Don't count as real meat

Brand new restaurant
Dogs missing for miles around
Must be Korean

(I've heard enough horror stories about gae bulgogi & boshin tang... No need to add any in the comments!)

Movie Quote Update

Sorry, No Chaplin Quotes...

Well, Rockhauler sort of ran off with the contest, getting most of them right. Then again, he & I have been watching movies together for the last 20 years or so, and have remarkably similar tastes.

The ones not guessed?

#8 is from 'Uncommon Valor', a 1983 Gene Hackman flick. It was spoken by Reb Brown playing the role of "Blaster". The film was one of dozens of Vietnam-related movies that were made in the early 80's and was better than most. Randall "Tex" Cobb, the boxer/kickboxer had a memorable role as "Sailor". He went on to play the Lone Biker Of The Apocalypse in one of my cherished favorites, 'Raising Arizona'.

#10? I am so depressed no one got #10. I mean, all the clues were there for you!
How many "Bruce Leroy"s are there in cinema?? It's from 'The Last Dragon', a mid-80's chop-socky spoof. The line was spoken by Julius Carry playing "Sho'nuff, the Shogun of Harlem", a memorable character if there ever was one!

Oh, the hidden mystery quote in the subhead was from 'Young Frankenstein', spoken by Igor (Marty Feldman)

So, thanks for playing! I'll have to do this one again sometime!

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Movie Quote Meme

"Say Nothing! Act Casual!"

Just when you're in dire need of blogfodder, Elisson delivers! Actually, he got it from Mark Rayner of The Skwib, but hey, who's keeping track?

At any rate, Elisson said "Please feel free to play along.", so I did.

Here’s how it works:

1) Look up 15 of your favorite movies on IMDB.
(I had a few quotes by memory... Oh well...)

2) Take a quote from each and post them for your readership to properly identify.

3) As your movie-savvy readers correctly identify the quotes’ cinematic origins in the comments, strike out the quotes and name the commenter who answered correctly.

4) If the commenter also identifies the name of the speaker (the character or the actor), he or she gets bonus points in the form of a link to his or her site.
Simple, huh?

OK, here's 15 quotes from 15 of my favorite movies! Some are considered cinema classics, some are a complete waste of celluloid.

Have fun!. Oh, no cheating! Using IMDB or other Internet-related sources to get the answers is strictly verboten!! It’s more fun if you try to figure these out from memory:

1. "Get out... And don't come back until you've redeemed yourselves..." - Rockhauler

2. "Smile, you son of a bitch!" - Rockhauler, Eric SWG

3. "Do you think I'm just anybody, Ali? Do you?" - Rockhauler

4. "By the authority vested in me by Kaiser William II, I pronounce you man and wife. Proceed with the execution." - Rockhauler, Eric SWG

5. "Why don't you pass the time with a game of solitaire?" - Rockhauler

6. "Which Lo Pan? The little old basket case on wheels or the ten foot tall roadblock?" - Elisson

7. "It evened out in the end. They locked me up; the dog sprung me." - Joan of Aaaargh

8. "Most human problems can be solved with an appropriate charge of high explosive."

9. "The important thing is the rhythm. Always have rhythm in your shaking. Now a Manhattan you shake to fox-trot time, a Bronx to two-step time, a dry martini you always shake to waltz time." - Rockhauler

10. "I am sick and tired of hearing these bullshit Superman stories about the *WASSA!* legendary Bruce Leroy catching bullets with his teeth!"

11. "Relax, all right? My old man is a television repairman, he's got this ultimate set of tools. I can fix it." - - Dash

12. "I apologize for calling your wife a bloated warthog, and I bid you good day!" - Rockhauler

13. "Harry didn't think that he did a very good job, so he grabbed the nearest thing to hand, which just so happened to be a 15 inch black rubber cock, and proceeded to beat poor old Smithy to death with. And that was seen as a nice way to go. Now, that, is why you pay Hatchet Harry, when you owe." - Rockhauler

14. "You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!"?" - Rockhauler

15. "Do you mind if we dance with your dates?" - Elisson, Dash

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Cat Experiments

Some Fun Feline Frolics

So, ya know how when a cat curls up to sleep, their bellies pooch out up past their legs and make a little belly pillow? Bellow? Billow??

Well, if you take your index finger and gently poke it in the middle of the pooched out bit, while chanting "Poke-a...Poke-a...Poke-a...Poke-a...", and you try to set up a series of belly ripples (unfortunately not a self-sustaining oscillation sequence due to the dampening effects of the fur)...

Just for the record, the cat really objects to the whole procedure. Both of 'em did, and I tested my hypothesis twice each.

I dunno how this extrapolates to the feline population as a whole. I mean, my sample size was kind of small, but 2(n) = 100% of the test subjects available. I tried to sneak up on the tabby next door, and Stump-Tailed Bob across the street, but being outdoor cats, they're amazingly light sleepers.

Next week: We attempt to tie buttered toast to a cat's back for antigravity experiments.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Sick Day

Beware The Shrimp Salad! It Makes Your Colon Go "Moooo!"

Well, I've gone 1314 calendar days without a sick day at work until today. Truth be told, I could probably have made it through the day without blowing chunks out of either end, but I just wasn't up to dealing with it.

I don't get sick all that often, and for perfect attendance during the year, you get three extra vacation days. So, even when I was better off staying in bed, instead of losing those bonus days I'd schlep into work and hole up in my office as to not spread my noxious germs everywhere.

Today, I just didn't give a damn. I'm sitting on hundreds of sick hours that were going unused, and that you can't cash in when you retire. I can't remember if you drop to 2 or 1 bonus days for one absence, but I'm thinking that 4 or 5 "sick" days scattered throughout the year accomplishes pretty much the same thing. Space 'em far enough apart, and maybe no one notices I mostly get sick on Mondays...

The downside is, I really don't feel up to going out for a movie later this evening...

Monday, March 10, 2008

New Age Dumbassery

Blue Light Special On Cherokee Hair Tampons!

Right up front, I'm gonna say that this post is not going to sit well with one or two of my regular readers. I've read your blogs, I know you dabble in this malarkey.

Look, it's not a personal attack. I do dumb things, too. Last night I watched 'Highlander: The Source', which ranks right up there with wearing magnetic belts and copper bracelets as a complete waste of time & money.

The bottom line is this... Homeopathy is a load of crap. Always has been. Any improvement made under homeopathic treatment falls squarely in the realm of the placebo effect.

Look, don't take my word for it... Take a gander at this presentation by James Randi. His foundation has had a million bucks up for grabs for over a decade for any Moronic Convergence woo-woo able to prove that their snake-oil works. No one's even come close.

So, what's got my knickers in a bind over homeopathy? Simple...

When you dose yourself with a solution of unobtainium-infused water to cure your piles, you're only deluding yourself. Aside from lightening your wallet and enriching a huckster, there's no harm being done. Well, other than your ass rotting off. But it's YOUR ass...

When I see something like this, though... Oooo... I just want to reach out through the Intarweb tubes and give them SUCH a smack!!!

This was posted on Craigslist:
Looking for a Holistic or Homeopathic Vet

I am looking for information on any Holistic or Homeopathic vets in the West, North, and Northwest areas of Harris County.


PS If you flagged this post earlier, please email me and tell me why! Otherwise please leave my post alone! Thanks!

Listen, you crystal-wearing, yoga-doin', tofu-eating, patchouli-oil smellin' hippie! The reason your posts are getting flagged is that you're a complete effing moron!! You do not subject animals to ignorant quackery! Take them to a real vet!! It's not right that the animal should suffer just because you don't have the good sense God gave a goose!

Here's how a homeopathic vet would treat a dog with fleas:

Pluck one flea off the dog.

Insert flea in gallon jug of pure water. (extra charge for special Orgone-treated water!)

Shake vigorously.

Decant flea. Put back on dog.

Pour some flea-flavored water into smaller jar.

Shake vigorously.

Pour some water into even smaller jar.

Shake vigorously.

Pour some water into still even smaller jar.

Shake vigorously.

End up with 1 oz. of flea water in vial. Shake some more.

Sell to gullible sap for $45, plus $55 for office visit.

Have gullible sap dab some "homeopathic flea repellent" behind dog's ears, on paws, and base of tail.

Laugh as gullible sap and flea-ridden dog leave your office $100 poorer.

Man, this quackeriffic stuff annoys me to no end. I think I'll have to go over to Whole Foods Market this evening and sneak some "You're a dumbass!" signs onto their homeopathic remedies display...

Oooo, wait... even better idea. I need some custom labels printed. After all, why dick around with just the homeopaths. Might as well include the vegans and Fair Trade weasels, too!

Imagine these labels slapped on some hippie goods:








Friday, March 07, 2008

Frozen Peas

Get That Dog An Overcoat!!

I don't often post pics of the canine end of the pet spectrum, mostly cause I don't own any. Rockhauler emailed me pics of Las Beegleperra con Helado following the recent snowstorm up in the DFW Metroplex.

Here's Sweetpea the Beagle, wondering what all this white crap all over the yard is.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

More Cooking Secrets Revealed

Oh, Now That's Just Not Right...

When Christina isn't stir-frying goat heads, she occasionally will hand off kitchen duties to one of the numerous houseguests that visit.

I promised not to "rat" out this special guest chef, especially when the sooper sekret ingredient is being added. Rumor has it he travels with gallon jugs of East Coast Gangsta Sauce...

I think those hamsters would taste better wrapped in bacon with a jalapeno, personally...

Cooking With Christina

Hubby Killz It, She Grillz It

I drop by Christina's place daily, mostly to see what's bubbling on the stove. For a certified food addict, it's always a worthwhile visit.

I'm thinking she's not entirely forthcoming about her recipe ingredients, as evidenced by this recently acquired photo...

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

E. Gary Gygax Dead At 69

Failed His Saving Throw Vs. Grim Reaper's Scythe...

The man largely responsible for the nerdification of millions of America's pudgy, acne-riddled youth has died today in Lake Geneva, WI.

Gygax, the creator of the role-playing game Dungeons and Dragons was an avid player of tabletop wargames, but felt it was his duty to create a game that would lead to impressionable youth selling their souls to Satan as they dabbled in the occult.

Gygax was a co-founder of TSR Games, which at its peak profited over a million dollars a year, largely in grubby dollar bills and jars of coins collected via the paper routes and pizza delivery jobs of TSR customers.

Old-school gamers across the country are weeping over their copies of the Player's Handbook and Dungeon Master's Guide, and fondling their dice bags like a rosary chain. Those blessed with a 1st Edition copy of Deities and Demigods are reading through the Cthulhu Mythos section, trying to decide what Elder Being to sacrifice their firstborn to in order to have Gygax's soul remain here on Earth.

In lieu of flowers, the Gygax family asks that donations be sent to youth fitness programs, dating services for Asperger's Syndrome sufferers, and the Clearasil Research Center.

--- All kidding aside, I was a huge fan of D&D when I was in Jr. High & High School, and for quite a few years afterward. Every now and then, I debate having one last grand adventure with my old D&D crew, most of whom are still here in town,. Alas, kids, jobs and the travails of adult life seem to keep us from the dank & orc-ridden dungeons.

Monday, March 03, 2008

Sunday Evening Indecision

Yes, I'm Aware Gas Is $3.05 A Gallon...

Some nights I just can't decide what to do...

Leave home, head for Half Price Bookstore up in Copperfield.

Head back to Hwy 6 & Clay Rd. to Los Cucos Mexican.

Decide the crowd & parking at Los Cucos Mexican is not to my taste. Leave.

Head to Los Cucos Steaks & Seafood, 3 blocks down.

Same deal. Head for steakhouse @ Hwy 6 & I-10

Remember that I spent a wad Friday night. Detour to Waffle House.

Avoid Waffle House, Cannot eat there until 2023 A.D..

Head to Lenny's Subs.

They're closed. Head to Nirvana Indian Food.

They're closed. Head to that little bistro on Memorial.

They're closed. Head to Berryhill Tamales.

They're closed. Head to Guadalajara Mexican.

Too crowded. Go next door to Denis's Seafood.

Remember that I spent a wad Friday night. Detour to Mason Jar.

Too crowded. Go next door to Salt Grass Steakhouse.

Remember that I spent a wad Friday night. Detour to Fuzzy's Pizza.

They're closed. Head towards Candelari's Pizza.

WTF are you thinking, heading inside the Loop @ 9 pm on Sunday!

Detour to Yia Yia Mary's for Greek food.

They're closed. Head towards Kenny & Ziggy's Deli.

They're closed. Head towards Ruchi's Taqueria.

Overrun with cholos, head towards Masala Wok.

They're closed. Head towards Red Robin.

Decide I don't want a burger as I pass by IHOP.

Curse myself as I enter IHOP for omelette & pancakes yet again.

Head towards home afterwards.

Detour towards Sonic for Mocha Java Chiller & Cherry Sprite.

Get home, note gas & mileage expenditure. Kick self.

Saturday, March 01, 2008

Hope, Change, & Free Sheepdip.

I Thought All The Texas Hippies Were In Austin...

I had a meeting at a facility being used as an early-voting location on Friday. To call it a circus would be an understatement. TV crews, fanatical partisans, the works.

I talked with the site manager about the spectacle, which has apparently been going on all week. Seems the voting is leaning heavily Democrat, about 4-1 over GOP. How much of that is due to GOP'ers sneaking in to vote the Dem ticket to sway the vote, I can't say. I can say that the crowd was extremely heavy on Birkenstocks and "Bush Lied" bumperstickers.

I had entertained thoughts of voting myself, but the two hour wait convinced me to instead celebrate payday and the end of a hard week with $50 worth of bourbon and seafood at a local eatery instead.

I eavesdropped on a few media interviews. Seems most of the people shilling for Obama were having trouble articulating just how he would be better than Shrillary or McCain. They sure were energetic, though...